Some People Got More Talent Than I Do

All weekend I spent fixin' up my b**groll. It is now exactly right -- unless you don't think so.

Listed, on the lower left, are the b**gs I visit semi-regularly (and lemme tell you, 85 is quite a load). If you do not want to be listed, pls. tell me and I will rub you out. If you are somebody who thinks he/she should be listed, but ain't, tell me that, too, and I will rub you in.

Thanks kindly. You are all sweethearts (even Dave and Dave and Milt and Peter and Rich and Raymond and Jim and Robert and Tom and Sim and Paul and Mike and...).

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I find these ever now and then. And I like to show 'em up. Right purty, huh?









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My favorite word today is fester. V., don't squeeze that boil. Def.: Quicker than someone else.

A Voice Out of the Past

This is pretty silly, huh? But, what the hey, this whole b**g is silly. But not without merit. No.

See, nearly two years ago I wrote a little missive about my life in the Old Cacklers' Home, and it went somethin' like this:

"I asked Nervous Nelly this: If you were administrator here, would you populate this place with more people like you, or with more people like me?"

And so I just got to wonderin' how I could make this useful for more folks. So, here's my question: "If somebody has to die, would you rather it was you, or me?"

Take your time....

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A West Virginia sophomore calls Delta and asks, "Can you tell me how long it takes to fly from Charleston to New York City?"

Delta agent says, "Uh, just a minute...."

Sophomore says: "Oh, thanks." And hangs up.

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I was reading about bad error messages you might get from Microsoft or Unix. Here are two examples:

"Your system shell has changed. The Compaq software will work with your new shell, but the new shell will not work with your Compaq software. Do you wish to keep your Compaq software working? Click 'Yes' if you are unsure."

"You need to supply a fax number for your request not to have fax notifications to be processed."

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My favorite phrase today is pap smear. N., the ladies will love this one. Def.: A lie about someone's father.

Holy Lalapalooza -- It's a Harey Month

Happy grapefruit, Ollie, it's time to get lucky. You know how this works: You show your hare on the first of the month, say "Rabbit! Rabbit!", and all month long you'll have good luck. You know this is working for me, for here I am again. Anytime I don't show up for a week or so, you will know I am most likely dead. But, as you also know, I am reincarnatin', so be sure to keep checking on me. I might find some funnies on "the other side."

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The first of the month is also when we play Perfect Post, which is the brainchild of Momma K and her buddy Lucinda. What we do is tell you about some b**gger who has done a dandy posting and direct you to it. We also send along a little button for the winning b**g so she/he can show how right on they are. My Perfect Post for March is what Marti wrote on Feb. 14. Well, Marti says her kids wrote it when Mom was down with the puke. Go see.

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Two people has sent me a "contract of friendship." It goes like this:

"My Wish for You in 2007:

"May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.

"May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

"May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

"May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be those of joy.

"May you be forced to drop to your knees and feel a terrific need to thank the Lord for the tons of tons of blessings that have been dumped upon you.

"May your travels be safe, your friends be sincere, your loved ones be generous, and may you be as healthy as any 20-year-old.

"May the problems you had in the past year forget your home address! In simple words: May 2007 be the best year of your life."

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My favorite word today is varicose. Adj., sort of like a vein of gold. Def.: Nearby.

Singing a Song of Sixty Pence

Warnin'!! This ain't gonna be pretty.

See, what happened was that Laurie put a song on her b**g, called it to my attention, and told me I had to do the same. That was many moons ago (real moons, not the kind you're thinkin' of). So I looked up the site what lets you do this, and I sang songs and song-sang, etc. None was worth diddly squat.

So, I said to myself (I often talk to myself; it's the American Way), "Hoss, jest admit you ain't no country singer star, put up your best worst effort and see if that'll satisfy Miss Laurie Jane, a babe what hangs out at New Orleans in Texas.

So, play away, Laurie. Don't rate my effort higher than 100. That's just about all I was able to give it, but you know me: modesty personified.

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And then my 100 percent friend, Vicki also sent me some stuff, like

BUSH BUMPER STICKERS

If You Want a Nation Ruled by Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush Never Exhaled

We Need a President Who's Fluent in at Least One Language

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Handbasket?

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out Too

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

One Nation Under Clod

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My favorite word today is tumor. N., largish wen. Def.: More than one.

Can She Bake a Cherry Pie, Charming Guadalupe?

Why fewer and fewer young lads decide to marry.

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My local newspaper recently ran a picture of a lady, Guadalupe Rodriguez, at a makeshift shrine dedicated to a cooking sheet in Houston. Here's what the caption said: "Rodriguez, a cafeteria worker at Pugh Elementary, discovered the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a cooking sheet while cleaning lunch dishes on Ash Wednesday."

I have seen lots of stories like this. I have never seen the newspaper ask, "Which Virgin Mary?" Consider:


Now then, whicha these Virgins is the real deal? To those who find the doll all over the place (on a piece of toast, in ice-frozen windows, for instance), the Virgin Mary is the classic Virgin Mary. So what do we make of these Virgin Marys? Did you know that Da Vinci, Rembrandt, Titian, Botticelli and hundreds of other painters have painted "pictures" of the Virgin Mary -- all of them looking different from each other. We don't know which is accurate, for they did not have any Canon digital cameras when the V Mary was alive.

My guess is that Guadalupe is deceiving herself and others. That is, everybody knows they didn't have cooking sheets back then.

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Try this: When you next get hiccups, eat two green olives.

Let me know if it works. I never get hiccups, myself.

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My favorite phrase today is Cesearean section. N., close for me, please. Def.: A neighborhood in Rome.

I Went Me Me Me Me

My Washington State buddy, Margaret, has sent me this meme. She sent it a long time ago but I have been letting it putrify for a bit. See, I wanted to be sure of my answers, which as of you know, kinda, how I am about memes and always want to make sure they're okay kinda. Sort of.

1. What is your occupation? I have been retired so long I can't remember what I did.
2. What color are your socks right now? I don't own any right now socks.
3. What are you listening to right now? The sound of silence.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Abalone. No shit! It's true. I got it from some outfit in California and cooked it up for myself. Scamp turned nose up.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Ain't nobody any shiftier than me.
6. Do you like the person who sent this meme to you? Hoo boy. How about love?
7. How old are you today? Same as I was yesterday.
8. What's your favorite drink? Whatever she brings.
9. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, and it's still dead.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Women fighting over me.
11. What was the last movie you watched? Something with the Three Stooges in it.
12. What's your favorite day of the year? When the tax refund comes.
13. What's your least-favorite day of the year? When those assholes go shamrocking all over the place.
14. Hugs or kisses? One thing leads to another.
15. What did you do last night? Watched people on TV make fun of Dubya. Actually, this is what I do EVERY night.
16. What's your favorite smell? The odor of Bush leaving the White House for the last time.
17. What inspires you? Can't think of anything. Well, maybe Barack Obama.
18. What are you afraid of? That the wrong woman will win the fight.
19. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? No, no, never! Here it's portobello or tofu.
20. Your favorite car? One that lets me remove the back seat. (Hoo boy!)
21. Number of keys on your key ring? Two: Home and car. Why would anybody need any more than that?
22. Your favorite day of the weeks is? Any day where I wake up.
23. Your favorite holiday? National Dung Beetle Day. (Although I might be the only one that observes it; not many people like to roll manure around.)
24. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? You know if you ride a motorcycle slantwise across railroad tracks in the rain you are going down?
25. Pets? Boy howdy, I have lived so long I musta had 80 or 90 dogs, 50 cats, 20 birds and a partridge in a pear tree.

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My favorite phrase today is terminal illness. N., how long we gonna sit in this here plane, ma'am? Def.: Getting sick at the airport.

It Takes a Licking and Keeps on Lifting

So the teacher asked Michael, "If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute. I have to go pee."

The teacher (this is my buddy Margaret, I'm thinking) replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Margaret responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'"

(Credit where credit is due: I got this from Theresa, but I don't know which b**g she owns. You're a bad boy, Hoss.)

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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

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My favorite phrase today is far out. Adj., Where's Captain Kirk? Def.: The distance between your outstretched fingertips and the hand of the guy who's trying to save you from falling off the roof.

I Hope You Love Calvin

Change of pace-wise, I am changing the pace. Here are a raft of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons some poor soul sent me and naturally I forgot who it was. But I am deep in debt for I am a true lover of C and H, and that ain't sugar. If you click on these, they will enlarge enough for you to read the captions.

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My favorite word today is diet. N., how to raid the refrigerator. Def.: What you go on two of, for one won't give you enough food.

Can She Bake a Key Lime Pie, Charming Billy?

Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel, a black, was asked what he thought about President Bush.

"Well," he said, "I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all."

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GIANT SQUID CAUGHT ON CAMERA

"Researchers follow bloated spineless creatures who dwell in the darkest depths. Then they get tired of politics and start looking for big squid."

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In 1998, Richard Harter, a retired methematician, wondered if mathematics could be applied to various positions of the toilet seat.

At the outset, he discounted the possibility of the woman agreeing to raise the seat when she is done, noting "no instance of this behavior has ever been observed in recorded history."

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According to my pal Vicki, a man enters a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiousity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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My favorite word today is enema. N. bottom's up! Def.: Antonym for a friend.

Open Wide

So Scamp and I are in Medford. Apparently a lot of gay people live here, for the city advertises itself as "The Fruit Capitol of the West."

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Good ol' Maxine (left) told me about her new diet. She altered her drive to work to avoid passing her favorite bakery. But she accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as she approached she saw in the windshield a host of goodies. She felt this was no accident, so she prayed, "God, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

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Near Colorado Springs, Colo., the Air Force conducted tests with a special radio frequency that would communicate with first responders in the event of a homeland security threat. Unfortunabley, it was discoverred that the frequency also instantly opened an estimated 50 million garage doors in a seven-state area.

Now then, how 'bout them UFOs, huh?

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A husband is in his backyard, trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this several times, with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. She finally opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

"Make up your mind," he said. "Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

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My favorite word today is dammit. N., and Bob's your uncle. Def.: You're on vacation, you're driving, it's raining, and the kids are making you a nervous wreck.

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(Heaven's to murgatroyd. I just discovered that Medford has a bunch of pear and apricot trees. They might have gays, too, but I don't know for sure.)

Pondering, Pondering

So here we are at an Internet connected motel in beautiful downtown Brookings, which is about as far south as you can go in Oregon without being in California. And to get where we're going, we need to go into California before we can find our next destination in Oregon. Pray for us.

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It seemeth to me that I recently ran a b**g telling the truth about men. This is about women, sorta:

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba. "But we don't have a ladder."

The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

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My favorite phrase today is ham and eggs. N., good for dinner, too. Def.: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I Think I Read About This

Well, lookie here. I found another Internet connection at a motel in Yachats (YAH-hots), which is on the Central Oregon Coast but near the Southern Oregon Coast, which is where the Banana Belt resides. You are so lucky I'm such a good finder

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Every now and then I run across a jewel or two that I think should be shared with you. For instance, there's this one around the swim pool where nothing (well, almost nothing) turns out as planned. You want to see this? Sure you do. Go here.

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Doctor Paul had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Doctor, don't cry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering....

"Paul......

"Paul......

"Paul......

"....you're a veterinarian."

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My favorite phrase today is banister of life. N., ain't we got fun? Def.: Where the splinters point the wrong way.

A Missive From Miss Chicago/Florida

Hoo boy. I found a friendly library in Manzanita. So far, so good. Nine days to go.

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My good buddy Vicki has sent me a worthy post. You all know Vicki, late of Ann Arbor, MI, now of Chicago, but more recently abiding near Tampa, FL, watching tornados fly overhead.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to anotehr gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't hve to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5,000. Tux rental: $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister of mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

(Ain't that swell? But I still like women like you, Vicki.)

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My favorite phrase today is digital watch. N., byte me. Def.: Its days are numbered.

A Horse Is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course

I am goin' be gone for maybe 10 days, during which I will try to post from places sundry. If I don't manage it, see ya about Feb. 18. You too.

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INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when peoople take things out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably a dog.

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Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. --Ann Landers.

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. --Penny Ward Moser.

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My favorite phrase today is the ace physician. N., got a kidney you can spare? Def.: One who is the fantastic inspirer of hope.

Out of the Mouths of Babes Dept.

I swiped this from someplace, maybe over where the perverts hang out:

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over, sliced the man's weenee off, and angrily tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple were a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the johnson smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...it was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

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From my newspaper, The Oregonian: "The Walt Street Journal reports, 'Todays simple truth: Half of all children are below average in intelligence.'"

(Hey, kids, look at the kid next to you in class. Is he or she stupid? If not, it's you.)

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The redneck's pickup line: Your face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

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My favorite phrase today is food. N., eat before the ants get here. Def.: An important part of a balanced diet.

Honors to Pluto and Bre'r Rabbit

As you all know, rabbits are the Big Kahuna when the first of the month rolls around. What you do is say Rabbit! Rabbit! and all your cares and woes and troubles and so on disappear and you get good luck the whole month long. THIS WORKS! I know it does, because I have not died in any preceding month, and how much better luck than that do you want?

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This is also the time of the month when various and sundry ilk of us award our Perfect Post awards. Perfect Post is the childbrain of Momma K and Lucinda. Go to either site to see the URLs of all the Perfect Posters.

My Perfect Post goes to Sim, aka Pluto, and can be found here. It's a short little ditty about a much-needed New Year's resolution. Will take you only 10 seconds, so "go."

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I keep thinking about good ideas for Making My Pile. Please give me your honest thoughts: How many people would buy my new battery-operated battery charger?

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If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, then who will notify the next of kindling?

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My favorite phrase today is that other God. N., ol' sweetness. Def.: A liberal who gave Moses the Ten Suggestions.

Twice as Many Alligators

Here's one of those fine cartoons done by my buddy Sim, at Plutos the Bubblemans. You should visit him often, for he has a great turn of mind, cartoonish-wise.

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A fella reports to me how everyone seems to be concentrating on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

So he goes on to say that he concentrates, too, and has the solutions:

1. We dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. We use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans.
3. We put the Florida alligators in the moat.

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And from my buddy Vicki:

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large piece of property for many years. He had a large pond in the back, that he had surrouonded with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there in some time. He grabbed a five-gallong bucket to bring back some apples and peaches. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket over his head, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

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My favorite word today is memory. N., you must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss. Def.: What you forget with.

Sing Me a Headstone

For the record, Bernadette and Mamacita, I have indeed read H*y*m*a*n K*a*p*l*a*n. Great yarn about a Muslim who's holed up in a San Francisco gay bar, as I recall.

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LOUD SEX: A wife goes in to see a therapist and says, "I've got a big problem. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

The therapist says, "My dear, that's completely normal. I don't see what the problem is."

The lady responds, "The problem is, it wakes me up!"

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QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She: "You're never home."

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife -- cold as ever.'"

"Yeah," she replies, "and when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my husband -- stiff at last.'"

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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX: Her husband came home with a tube of K-Y Jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

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My favorite phrase today is perfect lover. N., nibble, nibble. Def.: What turns into a pizza at 4 a.m.

Teach Me What's Real, Teacher

I think that I have at least three regular readers who are teachers. And they are not just grading comes lately. They are: REAL TEACHERS.

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Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Costco.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teachers' lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks. Grading in church is permissible.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they learn that April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will appear at an open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a valentine.

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My favorite word today is fragrance. N., how sweet it is. Def.: What always remains in the hand that bestows the rose.

Guess What His Name Is

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to a long history of failed relationships. After much debate, she decides that the best thing to do is take out a personal ad in the newspaper.

"Wanted: A good lover to be my friend, one who won't beat me and won't run out on me."

After a week or so no one has responded, and she is feeling particularly depressed when the doorbell rings. She opens the front door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised, she asks what he wants.

He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."

"How can that be?" she inquires. "You have no arms or legs."

"I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out on you," he said.

"What about being a good lover?"

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

(Do you remember this guy's name? It was Matt.)

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I saw a little squib the other day that invited you to find out how many people share your name. There are 43,495 Lowells (my real name), 1,720 Maudlins (my realer name); but there are no other Lowell Maudlins. I am unique!! Hoo boy.

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Want some down-home country fighting 'tween Hillary and Condi Rice? Here you go.

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A doctor said to a little old man, "You're going to live to be 60."

The man replies, "I AM 60!"

The doctor: "What did I tell you." --Henny Youngman.

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My favorite phrase today is income tax returns. N., move that decimal over to the left. Def.: The most imaginative fiction being written today. --Herman Wouk.

Great News in the Morning

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and tells the bartender: "Gimme me a beer -- and how about one for the road?"

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My buddy Vicki has sent me a swell story, for which I am thankin' her mightily:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find trwo grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," says one trooper.

"Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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My favorite word today is seasons. N., what you put on your beef. Def.: There are two of these in Oregon: rainy....and wet.

Want to Go to Anorexia for Lunch?

Following are what are purported to be actual notes made on hospital charts. If this is apocryphal, I'm not sorry.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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My favorite word today is knowledge. N., Wikipedia memorized. Def.: The only things worth learning are the things you learn after you know it all. --Harry Truman.

Mr. Frosty Pays Ol' Hoss Big Bucks

I started this here b**g two years and two days ago. I hope those of you who have dropped by from time to time feel properly educated, because of course that was what I had planned. For instance, you now know when to write "So it goes." And you are buddies with Feelgood Haines. And you have contributed ever so mightily to my schemes plans to get rich ("Vivien Sleigh, Clark Goble and the Steamboat to Nowhere" -- a book ("Gone With the Wind and the Rain") stolen by the Chinese).

Speakin' of which (how to get rich), here is Mr. Frosty, which I managed to whip up yesterday morning. I figure this picture will be converted into a Xmas (Season's Greetings?) card, which will be way popularized. I don't know whether to sell this to Whitman's Sampler, Hallmark or Mad Magazine. One way or t'other, I figure it will get me enough dough for my resusitory trip to Outer Space.

(Oh. It snowed about 3 inches, but it was plenty good enough for making snowballs and Mr. Frosties.)

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If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

Foods that are frozen have no calorites, because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream and frozen pies.

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Hoss found another swell link that will be enjoyed by cat lovers, of which I am one or two. You may go here to see what it's all about. Takes only about 8 seconds, so step right up.

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My favorite phrase today is "I must remember this..." N., "a kiss is just a kiss...." Def.: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

Shadows and Clowns

Following a link I got from my buddy Vicki took me to the (old) Boss, who sings while we look at some comedians at work. This is a VERY GOOD piece, about 4 minutes long. So you go here and I will not write so much that you will have to spend all day with me.

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The spinster's prayer: Dear God, if you can't make me young, give all my friends wrinkles.

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What if they gave a war and nobody profited?

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Okay, one more trip for you. To see an Amazing Shadow Trick click that link. Amazed me, might amaze you.

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My favorite phrase today is old age (again). N., crinkled and wrinkled. Def.: When it dawns upon you that you, too, are biodegradable.

My Sentimints, Exactly

New mints come in two different varieties. Ones with Bush on the cover are sold as "embarrassmints." Ones with the whole Bush cabinet on it are sold as "indictimints."

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The employee is making love to the boss's wife.

"Kiss me! Kiss me!" she cries.

"I can't," said he. "I shouldn't even be doing this."

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A black goes to this psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, "First, drop to your hands and knees and crawl to that wall over there." The black complies, and the doc says, "Kind of nice." Then he says, "Now, crawl to this wall over here." The black complies once again, and the doc says, "That's even better. Finally," says the psychiatrist, "crawl to that lamp over there." The black patient complies, and the psychiatrist says, "That would work, too."

The black stands up and says, "How is this going to help me, doc?"

"Oh, it won't help you," says the psychiatrist. "But I've got a black naugahyde couch coming in and I wanted to see where it looks best."

(I KNOW it's outrageous, but I couldn't resist. All in fun, see.)

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From the "Police Reports" section of our local weekly: "A men's pinky ring, reported lost on Dec. 28, possibly at Shari's Restaurant. A couple reported that they got home after dining out and realized it was missing from the man's pinky."

(This is when newspaper reporters pick up on police jargon.)

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My favorite word today is feathers. N., well I'll be flocked. Def.: This tickles me.

Pepsi Speaks Out for Reincarnation

When the big-wigs transfer their slogans outside the U.S., it sometimes don't work out. No sirree. For instance, Pepsi took its slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" to Taiwan, and saw it instantly translated as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead." And KFC took "Finger-lickin' good" to China, where it became "Eat your fingers off."

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Sign in Ballindaloch, Scotland: "BEWARE. Free range children. SLOW."

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President Lincoln, unlike me, believed in God. But he had his doubts about invoking God to be on his side in the Great War.

"In great contests, each party claims to act in accordance with the will of God," he said. "Both may be, and one must be, wrong."

You can take that to your friendly jihad meeting.

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A Jewish debtor, called in for an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

He asked the same thing of his lawyer, but got opposite advice. "Do not let them intimiate you," he advised. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The rabbi answered: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

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My favorite word today is uglified. Adj., short version of uglification. Def.: The kind of facial experession it is impossible to achieve except when you're posing for a passport photo.

What You Have to Look Forward To (To What You Have to Look Forward?)

Things are gonna be differmence in 2029, when I will be 99 and be the last person in the United States to get Social Security. For instance, we will find that ozone created by electric cars will be killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formerly known as California). White minorities will still be trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's second language.

A baby will be conceived naturally, stumping the scientists.

The Supreme Court will be asked to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France is taken over by Jamaica, appeals for help from the UN. UN Secretary-General Sidney Plotz of Jamaica says, "So?"

Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars now are legal in the U.S., but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first-class stamp to $13.49 and reduces deliveries to Wednesday only.

Results of an 85-year, 75.8-billion study: Diet and Exercise are keys to weight loss!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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Two businessmen are at the urinals. The first one says, "I'm going home for the day. Take care. You have a good one."

And the second one says, "Thanks. I didn't know you were looking."

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My favorite word today is groupie. N., chasing Johnny Mathis? Def.: A big, friendly fish.

Hoss Is Once Again Coining Dough

It has been awhile since I touted you to invest in my latest money-making scheme. I have been stalling because I needed to wait for a new tax year. (My last idea made a lot of money, but Uncle Sam got most of it so I am once again in the "needy" class.)

So now then, loosen up your grip on your money jar because you will want to get a piece of this action, known hereafter as Ol' Hoss's Day-Glowed Ad Works. Which should tip you right off that this is another of my winners. And so's you know what you're gettin' into, I'll give you the company highlights:

We are going to do what Google is doing, only without a computer. Tah-rah-de-boom-te-ay: We will be putting ads on hearses (you can credit this one to Gerald Ford). Can't you just imagine the free TV time we would have got from an ad on Ford's hearse? (Think of it! We could sell a lot of tapes by advertising some tie-in music such as "Goin' Down the Road Feelin' Bad." Or we coulda advertised our own reincarnation business -- "Lassie Come Home.")

Serious, I think the TV gave more time to that hearse than they did to OJ's slow trip in a Bronco to some gloves that didn't fit. If we coulda got the Marlboro Man on the side of that Ford hearse we'd never have to work again in our lifetimes. (Well, maybe YOU wouldn't have to work again. But since I am not planning to die I might have to figure out something.)

Anyway, somebody dies every day, and if we get our ads on all the hearses that will put us in the Forbes List of 100 Billionaires, maybe as high as No. 10. Shares in my new company will be available soon. (Not all of them, of course. I have to keep some on hand to grant myself some backdated stock options. Us rich people didn't get rich by accident, you know.)

I don't think Ford would be offended by this. He WAS a Republican, you know. And jeeze, he would have loved the tie-in potential: "Ford Signals the Death Knell for the Taurus."

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My favorite word today is dilemma. Def.:

Perched in my shorts on the edge of the bed,
With a shoe in my hand and my teeth in a cup,
I'm looking for clues, so I won't have to ask:
Am I going to bed now or just getting up?

Dance Me the Loose Language

Somebody, I say somebody, sent me alink for a beauteous piece of magic, an amazingly quick change of clothes. I recommend you go see it here.

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For as long as I can remember, I have had amnesia.

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To set the parameters for the class, the professor began by asking some questions.

To a female student: "What is the opposite of joy?"

Student: "That would be sadness."

To another female student: "What is the opposite of depression?"

Student: "That is elation."

To a male student: "And you, young man, what is the opposite of woe?"

Student: "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

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So husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

The husband and the blind man decide to walk. After awhile, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

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My favorite word (again) today is old. N., as your skin turns into leather. Def.: When an attractive girl sits down next to an ancient male and asks, "Is this your good ear?"

The Slapping and Pulling Game Show

A baby penguin walks into a bar, and says to the bartender:

"Have you seen my Dad?"

"What's he look like?"

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The year is 2222. Mike and Maureen have accumulated a bunch of frequent flier miles, and they land on Mars, stuffing Santa on the way there, as you see.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" she asks.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member -- about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he says. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she responds, "it's just not long enough to reach me."

"No problem," he says, and he proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap his member grows until it is impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's pretty impressive, but it looks like a long pencil; it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow," she exclaims, and they fall into bed and have mad, passionate sex. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," Maureen says, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," Mike says. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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My favorite word today is old. Adj., older than dirt. Def.: When you can't find your glasses without your glasses.

Susie Has a F*#king Good Time

My buddy Susie is this month's winner of a "Perfect Post" for her swear-word-laden offering of Dec. 4, which you will find here. Hold onto your funny bone. "Perfect Post" is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. You can go see them, too.


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And the start of the month would be nothin' without a rabbit. You remember how to do this? You say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of each month and you will have good luck all month long. For instance, my computer was only down 5 days during December, which is pretty good considering it could have been down for 6.
I sure hope you're treating your rabbit right, like this one. This stuff is lots better than hay.

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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items:

Nurse: How much do you weigh?

Woman: 115.

The nurse puts her on the scale and it registers 160.

Nurse: Your height?

Woman: 5-feet-8.

The nurse checks and sees she is only 5-4.

She then checks the woman's blood pressure, and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!

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My favorite word today is closet. N., boy it's dark in there. Def.: Where you store your clothes, not where you come out of.