Joe Can Get It for You Wholesale

FOR SALE OR RENT: Congressman Joe Schneid. 8-term congressman with powerful committee slots (Appropriations, Agriculture, Defense). Log-rolling specialist. Adept at placing your needs well up on the Christmas tree. Past successes include $500,000 grant for study of porn’s effect on the porn industry; $6 million for takeover of unfunded pension liability of Bubba Bob’s Auto Wrecking; $1.1 billion to cover lawsuits against defense contractors who failed to armor armored vehicles; $400 million subsidy of tobacco farmers; $400 million for medical costs of smokers; $14 million for sponsorship of Iowa State Ear Wig Races. Available by the hour or by the project. No job too small because that’s The American Way. PH: 202-555-4444.

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now, class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family. But that’s it: No other excuses whatsoever,” she says.

The smart ass in the back of the room asks, “What would you say if I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

“Well, then,” says the teacher, “I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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A truck driver comes upon a sign saying “Low Bridge Ahead.” Well, it certainly was, and his trailer got stuck.

A police officer arrives and says, to belabor the obvious, “Got stuck, huh?”

“No,” said the trucker. “I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

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My favorite word today is oblivious. Adj., I know you’ll be fascinated.. Def.: Descriptive of the gentleman who thinks you need to know everything about his recently successful bowel movement.