My Contribution to Epic TV

"Desperate Housewives," huh? Bunch a fornicatin' and no baby-makin'. This is not real world stuff. It is left, then, to Ol' Hoss to straighten out the viewing public with what goes down in the real world. Which I am happy to do, bein' so multi-talented.

The title of my TV show will be (ta da!) "Ordinary Housewives." Now then, as I am not a housewive, I might need some coachin'. So you ladies with the stretch marks can feel free to jump right in anytime I stray from truthdom.

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Act 1, Scene 1

Berniece Hardscrabble has barely gotten to sleep when "Wah wah wah waaaaaa!" is heard from the next room. Gamely she trudges to the baby's side, feels his diaper (dry), and gives him a stiff uppercut. "Night night," she says, "you bastard."

Act 1, Scene 2

Berniece's eyes flutter open as her ears hear the raucous snore of her helpmate, Bubba. She stabs him in the chest.

Act 2, Scene 1

After the coroner has left ("accidental drowning" is the verdict), Berniece cooks breakfast for her three booger-laden kids. None of them eats. "We'll catch a donut and a Coke at the convenience store," says Bubba Jr., who cops a tenner from Mom's purse.

Act 2, Scene 2

Berniece wakes the baby and puts him on the layette to change his diaper. Naturally, he has a woody and sprays her in the face. Finished with that, she looks at the list of her chores for the day (reading her list out loud for the benefit of the visually impaired):

DothedishesDothelaundryMakethebedsVacuum7rooms-
BlogGrabthebabyandgotothegrocerystore.

Act 3, Scene 1

Berniece takes call from the school. Bubba is acting up. Go get Bubba, lecture him and get smart-mouthed. Stabs Bubba in the chest. After the coroner leaves (cause of death: "O.D.ed on whole grains"), Berniece begins to pay the bills. Bills total $3,545. Income totals $3,015. Bills go unpaid because Berniece cannot afford to buy stamps.

Berniece goes in mid-afternoon to the school to take No. 1 daughter to soccer practice and No. 2 son to curling practice. Another six-pack of Mountain Dew goes down the tube. Back home, Berniece PicksupthetoysWaterstheplantsMowsthegrassWaterstheyard
WeedsthegardenPicksupthekidsMakesdinnerDoesthedishes
ArrangesforababysitterGetskidsstartedontheirhomework
GoestoParentsClubmeetingGetselectedchairwomanforcookie
salesGoeshomefindsthebabysitterwithherboy
friendandthekidssurfingporn.

Berniece stabs herself. Cause of death: "ordinariness."

Next Week! Another thrilling episode of "Ordinary Housewives," brought to you by the makers of Prozac and Ritalin.

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My favorite word today is sidestep. Vb., avoiding a banana peel. Def.: Taking evasive action against the sidewalk crazy who wants you to take one of his handbills.