And, Boy, You Have Earned This

To: Seniors of Schlotz High School

From: Ol' Hoss

Howdy, Bubs. The chairman of your School Board has asked me to speak to you on your gradation night, on accounta I am one of the leaking graduates. Hardly nobody has topped what I done since I gradually gradated. But no matter how many good things I have done in the area of dung beetles and buttcrack, this is about you'uns. So listen up.

Firstly, I seen you have sweated through 12 years of pubic school so as to get on with your life. So you done good. Let me give you some statiticians: 63 percent of you never thought you would get this far. 37 percent of you didn't. That adds up to 100 percentages if you are keeping score.

28 percent of the remaindering of you say you are going on to college. That is a worthwhile endiver...endovering...endevur thing. I want to warn you, though, that all is not peaches and sour cream at the collegial level. No, see, they have these classes that sometimes start at 8 a.m. and you don't want none of that, prolly. No, better you stay home and work at the Burger King or Sid's Mouldings which has different hours, such as 9, 11 and 14.

I think that was secondly and thirdly.

Fourthly, you wanna decide which way to go. There is a lot of discussion about sex in the Capitol (gays vs. straights, etcetera) but you need to decide for yourself. See, you can be heterosexual, unisexual, bisexual, multisexual, gay, lesbian or even get a sex change. Anyway, it's time to quit experimenting and pick one.

Now then, fifthly, this will be good news. Effective right after gradation you can go ahead and screw the teacher. See, she won't be your boss no more so there is nothing wrong-headed about it. (Oh, hoo boy, I said "head." Ho ho har de har har.)

Let us pray.

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My favorite word today is shortcut. N., I've never gone this way before. Def.: When did they put that fence in here?