Just Call Me Jean

I have given a lot of thought to this b**g -- 30 or 40 seconds, minimum. See, it is a subject that sorely troubles Ol' Hoss: Why aren't there any girls named Bill?

I guess we can go pretty far back to find out that William nee Bill was a name given at one time to one child. What I mean is, there had to have been a No. 1 William because not every Mom and Dad named their kid William all at once. No, there was a No. 1 William, who instantly became Bill. Bill Shakespeare.

Makes sense, doesn't it? But how about this: Who was the No. 1 Kerry? And was it a boy or a girl? Same for Kelly, Carey and Beverly. And Shirley. Boys, or girls?

So, really, what I am wondering is, who came up with the idea that some names are for boys and some names are for girls? Think of this: Francis is a boy, but Frances is a girl. In France, Jean is a boy but in London Jean is a girl. My forebears started out in France, then moved to England. So I am Jean Gene? And my real first name? Lowell. Why can't girls be Lowell, since it's only a city in Massachusetts? Why can't boys be Shannon, since it's only a city in Ireland?

Why can't I get any of the pregnant ladies to name their kid Benjamin? There's this babe up in Canada who is going to name her offspring "Zoe Alexis". Horseshit. What's wrong with Benjamin?

Did the Neandertals give their kids names? Ooga, Oona and Hamfat -- boys or girls, take yer pick. God, I love that: Hamfat Gooch, source of every boy's DNA.

Monk was a boy. I never want to see no girl wandering around saying, "Hi, I'm Monk."

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My favorite word today is civilization. N., ever advancing. Def.: Figuring out new ways to kill people.