You Want Two Bloods and a Blood Light?

This is from Lois Lane:

On a hot day in Minnesota, Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hodt," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She was passing by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?", so she walked in a took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hodt I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed a little, but replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

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And this is from Marti:

A neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned it out and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccuring she should go to the store and get some "Nair," and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So she goes into the drug store, and as she is getting the Nair rung up, the druggist says, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using this on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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My favorite word today is charity. N., this will hurt me more than it helps you. Def.: Taking Cinderella's ugly sisters to lunch.