Nor Any Drop to Drink

The 92-year-old lady goes into the bar and orders "a Scotch and one drop of water." She says to the barkeep, "It's my birthday."

She drinks up, and the guy on the next stool says, "Hey, since it's your birthday, have one on me." So she says to the barkeep: "A Scotch, with one drop of water."

A fella down at the end of the bar hears it's her birthday, and orders another drink for her. She says: "A Scotch, with one drop of water."

The bartender says, "Excuse me ma'am, I've served a lot of funny drinks, but never with just one drop of water. What's the story?"

The lady says, "I'm 92, so you know I learned how to hold my liquor. But I could never hold my water."

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The Marx brothers did this:

What has a trunk but no key, weighs 3,000 pounds, and lives in a circus?
That's irrelevant.
Relephant! That's right.
That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
That's fine. I'll take some.
Some what?
Eliminate. A nice cold glass of eliminate.

That was from the comments section of Miss Cellania. This is from herself:

Bessie, an inmate of an old folks' home, runs into the lounge and yells:

"Whoever can guess what I've got in my hand can have sex with me tonight."

Albert pipes up: "An elephant?"

Bessie ponders. "Close enough."

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Somebody (I should write this stuff down) challenged me to make "decider" my favorite word. No sooner said, than:

My favorite word today is decider. N., plenipotentiary. Def.: What you make when you press de apples.