Things That I Didn't Know Before

I got this idea for a meme from Ladybug.

Appetizer: On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest) how funny do you think you are?

Answer: 1 to 10. Oh, no way. They don't got numbers for my kind of humor. Let's see, the last time I was funny was B**g No. 84. I would reprint it here, but it wasn't that funny. Now my pal Lois Lane, now she's funny. Like a one-armed paper hanger with the itch.

Soup: Name a local restaurant you would recommend to visitors.

Answer: McDonald's? No, wait, that's not so local. I think you get the best bang for the buck by going to a Mom and Pop restaurant, where you can get three eggs, sausage, a pile of home fries, and great coffee. We don't have any of those.

Salad: What's a lesson you were lucky enough to learn as a young child?

Answer: Do unto others before they can do unto you. Hit the other guy when he's not ready. A bird in the hand gathers no moss. I got a lot of lessons like these. All good.

Main Course: Where would you like to be 5 years from now?

Answer: Hoo boy. See, this depends upon whether I am alive or not. If I am alive, I think I would like to be polishing off my 2,500th b**g in my continuing effort to get one that's funny. If I am dead, I would like to be reincarnated in time to polish off my 2,500th b**g in my continuing effort to get one that's funny.

Dessert: If you could see the front page of a newspaper 10 years from now, what would the main headline be?

Answer: Reincarnation Real, Hoss Says. ("In a blow to science, the reincarnated Old Horsetail Snake held his first press conference today. 'Crossing over from live to dead and back to live was really kind of funny, sort of like a Lois Lane b**g,' Ol' Hoss declared.")

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My favorite phrase today is raw sewage. N., from the old dumping grounds. Def.: What it is before you cook it.