How Are We Supposed to Do This?

"Next time, I'll take the pictures and you can let the bear out."

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Can you believe this cruelty?  These people is mean at heart.

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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possiblefor a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highball" and the just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."  Pepsi will market the new concoction bhy the name of Mount and Do.

Thought for the day:  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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A man boarded a plane with six kids.  After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No, I work for a condom company.  These are Customer Complaints."

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My favorite word today is appointment.  N., when you are sentenced to a room all by yourself.  Def.:  When you get one of these after a month-and-a-half wait is when the doctor says "I wish you had come to me sooner."

His First Day in School

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subrahmanhyam entered the fourth grade.  The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.  Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me Death?"  She sawa sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up:  "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.



"Very good!" said the teacher.  "Now, who said Government of the People, by the People, and for the People, shall not perish from the earth?"  Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.  "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.



The teacher snapped at the class.  "Class, you should be ashamed.  Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."



She heard a loud whisper:  "F**k the Indians...."



"Who said that!" she demanded.



Chandrasekhar put his hand up.  "General Custer, 1862.



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."



The teacher glares around and asks, "All right.  Now, who said that!?"



Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1999."



Another student, now furious, yells, "Oh yeah?  S*ck this!!"



Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair, waves to the teacher, and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."



Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit.  If you say anything else, I'll kill you."



Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandry Levy, 2001."



The teacher fainted.  And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh, shit, we're f**ked!"



And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."



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Remember Achmed?  He's back in tune, right here.



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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.  When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.



I don't think you should take one, Dad.  They're very strong and very expensive."



"How much?" asked Grandpa.



"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.



"I don't care," said Grandpa.  "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning I'll put the money under the pillow."



Later the next morning the son found $110 under the pillow.  He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."



"I know," said Grandpa.  "The hundred is from Grandma."



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My favorite word today is bugs.  N., wasn't he a Las Vegas mobster?  Def.:  Those little black things you find in enclosed light fixtures.

Things You Can't Say When Spiffed

Things Difficult to Say When Drunk



1.  Innovative

2.  Preliminary

3.  Proliferation

4.  Cinnamon



Things Very Difficult to Say When Drunk



1.  Specificity

2.  Anti-constituionality

3.  Passive-aggressive disorder

4.  Transubstaniate



Things Impossible to Say When Drunk



1.  No thanks, I'm married.

2.  Nope, no more booze for me.

3.  Sorry, but you're not really my type

4.  Taco Bell?  No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5.  Good evening, Officer.  Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6.  Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7.  I'm not interested in fighting you.

8.  Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance.  I have no coordination.

9.  Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.



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A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 



"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and nne of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.



"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"



After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said softly, "Wedding cake."



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My favorite phrase today is The Law of Public Speaking.  N., If the shoe fits, it's ugly.  A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Letters That Go Bump in the Night

If they put a man on the moon, they ought to be able to put all of them up there, according to Maxine.That would make a lot of women happy, which is what this day is about:  happiness.  Rabbit! Rabbit!  Say these words and you'll have good luck all month long, also according to Maxine.

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The Washington Post asked its readers to combine two words beginning with a letter from

S to Z and create a new word.  Here are some of the favorites:



Shishkabul:  Grilling prisoners in Afghanistan.



Slothario:  A man who lures women to bed just to sleep.



Spamputate:  To delete the entire junk mail file.



Sudafederales:  Brave agents who protect our nation from foreign cold remedies.



Viagrarian:  A farmer who can plow the land for four hours without stopping to rest.



Worshippodrome:  A megachurch.



Wiretapestry:  The drapes in the FBI building.



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Lame Joke of the Day:



Q.:  Why was the crow perched on the telephone wire?



A.:  He wanted to make a long-distance caw.



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After 42 years of wedding bliss, I took a careful look at my wife one day, and declared, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with a 19-year-old gal.



"Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big  bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman.  It seems to me you're not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find me a hot 19-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.



Older women; they sure know how to settle the mid-life crisis.



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My favorite phrase today is sense of humor.  N., In case you have one, keep it.  Def.:  This does not mean you have to tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

Children Have All the Answers

Here be some Children's Science Exam answers.  These, purportedly, are real answers given by real children.

Q.  Name the four seasons.

A.  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q.  Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A.  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q.  How is dew formed?

A.  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q.  How can you delay milk turning sour?

A.  Keep it in the cow.

Q.  What causes the tides in the oceans?

A.  The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.  All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon, and nature hates a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q.  What happens to your body as you age?

A.  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.



Q.  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A.  He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



Q.  Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A.  Premature death.



Q.  What is artificial insemination?

A.  When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.



Q.  How are the main parts of the body categorized (i.e., abdomen)?

A.  The body is divided into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.



Q.  What is the fibula?

A.  A small lie.



Q.  What does "varicose" mean?

A.  Nearby.



Q.  Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A.  The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.



Q.  What does the word "benign" mean?

A.  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



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My favorite word today is mattress.  N., holes in the mattress mean I missed her completely.  Def.:  Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Science Fun for You

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb.



(Now that's more like it.)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.



(In my next life, I will be reincarnatin' as a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.



(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.



(Don't try this at home. Maybe better not try it at work, either.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to it body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.



("Honey, I'm home! What the .....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.



(30 minutes....lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



(I still want to be a pig in my next life....quality over quantity.)



Butterflies taste with their feet.



(Something I always wanted to know.)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.



(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)



Starfish have no brains.



(I know some people like that, too.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



(What about that pig?)



Now that you may have gotten one chuckle out of this, it's your turn to spread this craziness to someone who needs cheering up.



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My favorite word today is fuzzball. N., comparably uncomparable. Def.: A small white dog which resembles a throw rug and, if it is not dead, it ought to be.

Everybody onto the Short Bus

It was visitors' day at the lunatics' asylum.  All the patients were standing out in the courtyard singing "Ave Maria," and singing it beautifully.  Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.  "I am a retired choir director," he said.  "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes," replied the conductor, "I'm very proud of them."

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor.  "What are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem," said the conductor.  "One inmate wanted to call them 'The Big Apple With Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam.'  But I told them it was too long a name, and none of them was from Siam, besides.  Another thought 'The Pencil Leads' was a pretty good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"

"I thought it was obvious," said the conductor.  "They all agreed to call themselves.....

......The Moron Tapanapple Choir."

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Maxine's Slide Down the Banister of Life:

1.  Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.  It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2.  The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

3.  My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant flash and it's gone.

4.  The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

5.  It used to be only death and taxes.  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

6.  A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

7.  My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

8.  A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.  I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

9.  Definition of a teenager?  God's punishment for enjoying sex.

10. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

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My favorite word today is husband.  N., a useful little thing.  Def.:  Someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

I Swiped This From Della

Some (or all?) of you are aware of the Perfect Post awards, which were thunk up by Momma K. and Lucinda.  Each of us players picks a "best blog" we have read during a given month, and puts the author down as having done a "Perfect Post."



I missed August.  Or at least I missed giving my Perfect Post to Della the Dragon.  So I am going to sort of make up for it and reprint here what she wrote on Aug. 23 (and she got it from her mom's friend's husband):



Question given on a chemistry exam:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.  One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.



Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as new souls are added.  This gives two possibilities.



1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks

loose.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then No. 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

(The student received an A+ -- of course.)

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My favorite word today is skydiving.  N., sailing, sailing over the bounding something or other...  Def.:  If at first you don't succeed, don't do this even once.

The Devil Made Me Do It

I just cain't he'p it, when Bugs Butt mentions Kid Relish, tears flood my eyebones.  The Butt did this recent-wise in commenting on one of my pieces, and it purnt near clobbered my heart valves.



See, Kid Relish was my semi-sidekick back in the day when Latigo Flint and I was dicking around in the hills just east of L. Angeles.  Relish owed more to Latigo than he did to me, so they palled paled bosom-buddied with each other more than Relish did with me.  But now and then Latigo was off chasin' grizzlies by hisself so Relish and I had our own adventures.  And the purpose of this piece is to tell you about one of them adventures.



On this occasion, Kid Relish and I were floatin' about in Tasmania where, you know, the Tasmanian Devil resides.  We had been hired to catch some of these dudes so scientists could try to find out why they was getting this cancer of the mouth.  Easy pickins, I figured.



Turned out, it warnt no easy job.  These Tas Devils is swifter 'n Peregrine Falcon, stronger 'n Superman's sister, and more powerful than a diesel-fueled locomotive.  It was tough pickins.



Tell the truth, we was about run off the job the very first day we went to work.  Kid Relish backed one of these cancer-struck Devils into a cave and reached for his rope (ever'body knows Relish was a master with his lasso).  But no sooner had he got it whirlin' around than Mr. Devil sucked his face off.



The Kid said "ouch" and maybe he said "man that smarts" and some other stuff.  I pulled out my six-gunshooter and blasted that Devil into the next county.  Or maybe it was a district, or a parish, or some other territory like that.  Anyways, it was far away.  When I get goin', I don't leave nothin' in the barrel.



We kept at it for a couple more days and got nowhere.  Found Judge Crater, though.

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My favorite phrase today is broken leg.  N., Worse than compound interest.  Def.:  When I told my doctor I had broke my leg in two places, he said don't go to those places.

They Gotta Learn Some Way

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These here is just trainin' pictures.  You know a child has got to learn some way to act when he gets older.  Well, these are some of the ways.....

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Two blondes (what else?) decided to go out in the country for a hike and to enjoy nature.  They were walking along, admiring nature's beauty, when one of the blondes looks down and says, "Oh, look!  Rabbit tracks!"

The second blonde says, "Those are not rabbit tracks.  Those are deer tracks."

The first blonde says, "No, they are rabbit tracks.  There are lots of rabbits out here."

The second blonde says, "My father goes hunting all the time.  Those are deer tracks."

The first blonde says, "I have a book on animals.  Those are rabbit tracks."

They argued back and forth like that until the train hit them.

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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card:  "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

The florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this:  Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note that says, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

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My favorite word today is father-in-law.  N., dear old Dad.  Def.:  This is the man about whom no jokes are told.

What Married Women Know

After today, no more.....

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.



It scared the crap out of me.



So that's it!



After today, no more reading.......



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Three women:  one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.  That night, all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.  A few days pass, and they meet up for lunch.



The engaged woman:  The other night when my fiancee came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life.  I love you."  And we made love all night long.



The mistress:  Me too!  The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat.  When I opened the raincoat he couldn't say a word -- but we made wild sex all night.



The married woman:  I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night.  When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  As soon as he came in the door and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"



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I was outside admiring the flowers when the neighbor lady approached, church bulletin in hand.  "Gene," she said, "you should come to church Sunday.  The pastor's topic is going to be 'Jesus Walks on Water.'"



"Uh...I don't think I can make it this Sunday.  What's the topic for the following Sunday?"



"Searching for Jesus," she said.



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The telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor's office asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem.



Twenty-nine percent answered:  "Yes, it is a serious problem."



Seventy-one percent answered:  "No es una problema seriosa."



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My favorite phrase today is Law of the Theater.  N., hot damn!  Clark Gable is in this one.  Def.:  At any movie, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

This Won't Hurt a Little Bit

A midget in New Mexico complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. So, his buddy suggested he go to a doctor.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor to tell him what the problem is. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The doc lifted one testicle, then the other, checking for a hernia. "No, no hernia," said the doc, but what about this?"

The doctor reached for his surgical scissors and snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side. Then the doctor told him to put on his clothes and see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget dressed and then walked around the room. No ache! "Gee, Doc, what did you do?"

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

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Last night a friend and I were sitting in the den and I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, I hope somebody just pulls the plug."

So my pal got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

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Ed had forgotten Valentine's Day. His wife was really angry, and she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. It better be there!"

The next morning, Ed got up really early. Eventually his wife awakened. She looked out the window and -- sure enough -- there was a gift-wrapped box in the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand new Bathroom Scale.

Pray for Ed.

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My favorite word today is steamy. Adj., almost as good as a sauna. Def.: An unnamed but exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous film stars get up to in private -- but they don't.

The Great I Am

We now are in the summer/Barbecue Season.  Thus it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do (probably because there is an element of danger involved).



When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:



Routine

1.  The woman buys the food.

2.  The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3.  The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.



Here is the first IMPORTANT part

4.  THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.



More routine

5.  The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6.  The woman comes out to tell trhe man that the meat is burning.  He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.



IMPORTANT again

7.  THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN



Additional routine

8.  The woman prepares the salad, bread, utensils, plates, napkins and sauces, and brings them to the table.

9.  After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.



Most IMPORTANT

10.  Everyone PRAISES and THANKS THE MAN for his cooking efforts.

11.  The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.'  And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.....



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After his graduation, the son is asked about his future plans by his mother and father.  The student replies that he'd like to go to college, as other members of his family had.



Pleased with his respose, the Dad pressed on.  "What would you like to take when you go to college?" he asked.



After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied:  "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."



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Why you never leave stuffed animals on the ledge of your rear window.



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My favorite word today is results.  N., what you hope for when you have to go to the bathroom.  Def.:  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Having Fun With Your Brakes

Way back in 1936, before you were born, I was riding a little horse. Here is me, taking my folks to the cleaners. (Recall this is during the depression, and a horse ride/photo were going for $3.)



Anyway, I just wanted to show you this because I was so pretty then.  Still am, I guess.



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Today, over at Mamacita's Place, Jane is hosting some people who want to comment on this:  "What better way to keep informed about our children's education, i.e., our nation's future, than to read what concerned educators and parents have to say."  I am long past school-age parenting days and am not an educator, so naturally I threw my two cents in.  Go take a peek.



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This might come in handy sometime.  As shown on the Tonight Show, it was a crafty way to steal gas.



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So a mushroom walks into a bar, jumps up on the stool and orders a root beer.  The bartender explained that they don't serve mushrooms here and that he had better leave.  The mushroom was understandably angry, but left the bar.



Later, he thought it over and got dressed in his best '70s clothes.  He wore his best gold chain, put on his cool '70s sneakers, and returned to the bar.  As soon as he jumped back on the stool, the bartender asked, "Aren't you the same mushroom I kicked out of here earlier?"



The mushroom replied, "No, I'm just a fun guy."



(Ho ho har de har har.  Just twisted my knickers.)



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You've heard the old one, "Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck may be somebody's mother"?  Yes?  Well, you also want to be kind to your insect neighbors, especially my favorite, the dung beetle.



According to MSNBC, if not for dung beetles, manure on grazing land would attract more flies and parasites that farmers would have to control.  Also, dung beetles help return nutrients to the soil.  Without dung beetles, farmers would have to spend more on fertilizer.  Annual value of dung beetles:  $380 million.



Hoo boy and boy howdy.



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You will be surprised to learn that much of modern technology has roots that go far back into history.  For example, in the Middle Ages, workers in a popular food shop were allowed to eat anything in the store.



But there were a couple of conditions.  Workers were required to eat the food only during their lunch break, and one expensive item was off-limits:  thinly sliced smoked salmon.



So, you see, that was the origin of......anti-lox breaks.



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My favorite word today is cancelled.  Adj., possibly the play where you have the lead.  Def.:  This is what they do to a product that you really like.

You Can Thank Me Later

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists (yeah, those scientists) have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed more than 1 kilogram of Escherichia coli (E.coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.



Remember: Water = Poop; Beer = Health.



Therefore, it's better to drink beer or wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.



(There's no need to pay me for this research. I'm doing it as a public service.)



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Your Living Will



I, (your name here), being of hazy mind and beautiful body, want to cash out quick, and do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means (meaning: the tubes). Under no circumcisions should my end days be put in the hands of pinhead politicians or uneducated Nurse Ratchits.



If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:



____a martini____a margarita____Scotch and water____a Bloody Mary____a gin and tonic____a glass of chardonnay____a beer____a Black Russian____a steak____the remote control____a bowl of ice cream____the Tide Table____chocolate____or ____sex



it should be presumed that I won't get any better and I probably should be pushing up daisies. I hereby instruct my holder of power of attorney and attending physicians (or Nurse Ratchit) to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Shortly thereafter one of you should call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral. They should open with "Silent Night and Days, Too."



Signature_____________________Date____________



Addendum: I have heard that in Ireland they have a Funeral Home with a Pub. They say the patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this puppy and its whereabouts, kindly send it to me. Be quick.



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My favorite word today is chances. N., risk-taking sumbitch. Def.: This is the odds of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering that is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

I Look Good in Ketchup

This is me. (Oh, you knew that. So it goes.)



What you didn't know is I'm wearing a commemorative T-shirt featuring "The World's Tallest Catsup Bottle," by gar. It's 170 feet tall and resides real close to my buddy Jana, right there in Collinsville, Ill. Jana gets to drive right past it every time she grocery shoppings.



This is a good time to have a T-shirt to wear. Few days ago it was 101 degrees here. But that's rare, and we're back to low 80's now. Also too hot, some scientists say.



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From The Oregonian:



The British Youth Justice Board recommended that youths who hang around in groups committing anti-social act should no longer be referred to as "gangs," because some youths who hangf around in groups committing anti-social acts might find the word offensive.



Poor babies.



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Boy howdy. Here's how the monks dealt with their "computers" in the Good Old Days.



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John McCain, the Republican candidate for President, is for banning all guns in America. And at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.



Then, he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."



Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, "Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"



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My favorite phrase today is  middle name.  N., it's a muddle.  Def.:  The sole purpose of this is so a child can tell when he's really in trouble.

For July, We Get Rabbits and Boids

I'm not exactly sure this is a rabbit, but at least it's a sort of a rabbit.  So let's all say rabbit! rabbit! and have good luck all month long. 



We do this on the first of every month because we want to.  Also because it means we'll have good luck all month long.



I love it here in America.



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Also, on the first of the month, is when we honor 1 b**gger for her/his best post.  This month I am tagging Vitamin Sea for her swell post about getting into bird watching, slow but fumblingly sure.



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WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--Congress today announced that the Office of the President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of now.



The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 annual salary.  "We believe this is a wise financial move," said Congressman Thomas Reynolds, R-Wa.  "The cost savings are huge.  We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay."



Mr. Bush was notified by email this morning of his termination.  He said, "So it goes."



Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai, India) will assume the office of President.  Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.  He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but with no health coverage or other benefits.



It is believed Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff.  Due to the time difference between the U.S. and India, he will be working primarily at night.  "Working at nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," Mr. Singh said.  "I am excited about this position.  I always hoped I would be President of something."



A spokesperson for the White House noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involving the President of the United States, this should not be a problem.  "President Bush was not familiar with the issues, either," he said.



Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment (today).  Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.



Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his job transition.  According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience.



A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested, due to Mr. Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.



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My favorite word today is others.  N., some of these, some of them.  Def.:  These are the people we are here to help; but what are THEY here for?

Here Comes the Money from Bill

When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie that's a mooner. I don't know where I got this. It is just short of classic, though. You gotta believe it.



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By Maude Frickert



I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.



Thanks to you, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer have any savings because I gsve it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hopital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email program.



Because of a tip from you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.



I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pasttime while driving alone is picking your nose.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.



I send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even thought I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someoe will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have thier secret recipe.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



If you don't forward this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.



Have a wonderful day.



Oh, by the way.....



A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with one hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.....



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My favorite word today is originality. N., look what I (and two other guys) dreamed up all by myself. Def.: Undetected plagiarism.

Be Sly, or Obvious?

It's your first kiss, and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

Should you use some tongue?

And then you say, "What the heck!" and just go for it.



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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, I need to know: Are my testicles black?"

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles again, "are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!"

At this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and shouts, "Nurse! Are my test results back!!!?"

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local store when the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put it back. We can't afford that," demands the wife and so he does and they carry on with the shopping. A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So do 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

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My favorite phrase today is wrong number. N., have you got Prince Albert in the can?" Def.: If you dial this, you never get a busy signal and somebody always answers.

Tonto, Him Run Big, Fast

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked intgo a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a tall cowboy walked in and said, ""Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and, soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to get him well."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Oh, nothing, but you left your Injun running."

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An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The out-of-towner asked for help, and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Benny didn't move.

Then the farmer yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger!" Still, Benny didn't move.

So he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood in place.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

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My favorite word today is rehearse. N., sing me a song of sixpence. Def.: A do-over trip to the cemetery.

The Manglers Strike Again

Here are some excerpts from term papers, as collected in the book "Mangled Moments of History from Actual College Students:"

"The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

"(Egyptian) rulers were entitled Faroes. A famed one was King Toot."

"Fryers were required to take a vow of pottery."

"Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality."

"Sir Isaac Newton invented the newton."

"The major cause of the Civil War was when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West."

"Germany's William II had a chimp on his shoulder."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"Stalin, Roosevelt, Churchill and Truman were known as the Big Three."

"Cesar was assassinated on the Yikes of March when he was reported to have said, "Me, too, Brutus."

"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named Yahoo."

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Q.: Where do horses stay in a hotel?

A.: In the bridle suite.

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My favorite phrase today is hairy cheery. Adj., it's a not so lovely day..... Def.: A traditional mating rite. During the first warm day of Spring, all the men in the subway start giving up their seats to ladies. The purpose of the hairy cheery is for men to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.

Poor Little Johnny

Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears of even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came home. Little Johnny told his dad that he understood completely.

When Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?," asked Johnny.

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd he shit out of luck if he needed glasses."

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Two college accounting majors go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment -- the reels, rods, the wading suits, the boat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. Same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day......It goes on like this until on the last day of their vacation, one of the collegians catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. The driver turns toward his passenger and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

His friend replied, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."

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My favorite phrase today is John McCain. N., this is no little Johnny. Def.: A rabid politician who can afford to be that way because he married a millionairess.

Like Maggots in Hot Grease

Like, if we're not open we're, like, closed. Pay attention.

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How about some "Worst Analogies from High School Essays":

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse witrhout one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."

"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."

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This is How Pilots Should Talk, according to me.

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My favorite phrase today is twice-told tales. N., like something out of Aesop's Fables. Relating a funny story to someone without remembering it was he who told it to you in the first place.

Get'cher Left/Right Wing On

Larrigo Steelflint rode into the Univ of Virginia Campus with blood on his mind. There was no gettin' around it: Somebody had to die.

He whupped his hoss 'cross the withers to make up time he had lost swimming across the Puddin' Head River. The hoss, Emma Withers by name, figured it was Larrigo's fault for not leavin' camp on time......so, he just kept on amblin', as amblin' horse flesh is sorta bound to do. And so do Ramblin' Rose.

The fella that was to die that day was either Jack McCain or B.H. Obamer. Tell the truth, they both had it comin', bein's both had some high and mighty views, visions, outlooks and perceptions of theyselves.

See, they is runnin' for President of the YewNited States and they bicker a lot. So one of 'em has got to get kilt because I can't stand this argumentative back and forth horsesh_t. (Note how I cleverly covered up that cussword? Nobody ever said Larrigo was ahind the door when the brains was passed out -- or on.)

Casemeier in pernt: Jack thinks rich people need a tax cut. B.H. thinks rich people need a tax increase. I cain't settle this, so one of 'em has got to go. At high noon, providin' the sun is out.

The way we're gonna settle this is just as they did in the old days -- mano a mano, with six-guns and pace-offs and bear meat for the winner. It is now 11:57 a.m., so we got only three minutes to get rid of one of 'em.

So I line 'em up, back to back, tell 'em to take 10 paces forward, then turn and fire in the hole.

Of course you know what happen. They both took 9 steps, turned and gutshot me.

I'll be home soon, Mom. Just let me drain a little more blood on this anthill, and I'll be there witchya.

I often wondered which one of them fellas was the biggest as_shole. But I can't get my brain around it. I think the REAL biggest a__hole is the current President of the YewNited States. He going around saying what he wants for Christmas is a peppermint stick so he can stick it up his _sshole. Oh, and a third term; he wants that, too.

Wish I had a coupla peppermint sticks right now. I'd shove 'em in these bulletholes and keep a few ants from drownin'.

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This looks like you ought to be buying a trinket from Scandinavia, but really all you need to do is click here then sit back and wait.

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My favorite word today is language. N., you could get used to this. Def.: A tranquilizer that leaves no side effects.

Ice Broken

From the local press:

A guy walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman sitting alone, so he takes the barstool next to her. A minute goes by, then he turns to her and says, "Fat penguins."

The woman turns to him, "Pardon me?"

The guy looks at her and says, "I just thought I would say something to break the ice."

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This is how things are going to be when women rule the world.

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Q.: Why did the peanut go out with the grape?

A.: He couldn't find a date.

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Q.: What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree and hit you, it would kill you?

A.: A refrigerator in a Wrangler jacket.

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See if you can figure out what the following words have in common:

Banana, Dresser, Grammar, Potato, Revive, Uneven, Assess.

Give up? (I did, very early on.)

Give up now?

Okay. A.: In all the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Nifty.

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To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?", you can say "Sorry, got these sacks."

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My favorite word today is ballet. N., lift that babe, tote that bale, etc. Def.: To me, boxing is just like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Never Thought Eve Would Look So Fine

As I always say (don't I always say this?), there is nothing like a good Bible story to make your day. Or your several days.


"How Adam Got Eve"

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely. So Big Ernie asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So Big God said, "I will fix that. I will make you a companion, and its name shall be 'woman'."



Big Ernie said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing she will wash it for you."



And further, he said, "She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. SHE WILL PRAISE YOU!

"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it!"

Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"

Big Ernie replied: "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course, the rest is history.....!!!



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Question: What did the magician say to the fisherman?

Answer: Take a cod, any cod.

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This nerd is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane, the nerd grabs the radio: "Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!" he screamed.

Ground control receives his call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position."

Nerd says, "I'm 5-foot-10 and sitting in the front seat."

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My favorite word today is hog. N., one of them guys with the pork belly. Def.: One able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of the seat in either the movies or the plane.

Give Me My Boots and Saddles

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets and boots; BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"So, from now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" His wife promptly took off all her clothes. When he yelled "BELL 2!", his wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a couple of minutes, his wife yelled "BELL 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is BELL 4?"

"Roll out more hose," she replied. "You're nowhere near the fire!"

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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Pastor asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All raised their hands except for one.

"Mrs. Neely?," the Pastor continued. "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?" the Pastor said.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

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A college student was infatuated with a freshman, but he was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt as insignificant as a pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder."

("Ewwww".)

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My favorite phrase today is poor listener. N., whut you say? Def.: One who has Van Gogh's ear for music.