Bigfoots: Mr. and Mrs. Everyman

Did you ever wonder, like me, what is your purpose in life? Maybe, like me, you are quite useful. I have many purposes in life, such as:

1. To give people headaches.
2. To exfoliate, so my carpet beetles have something to eat.
3. To make the owners of my Old Folks' Home rich.
4. To drink your booze.

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I have a friend up in Forks, Washington, that is practically in the heart of Bigfoot territory. I asked her why she never wrote about this in her internet piece. Here's what she told me:

"There is not much to tell, really, about the Bigfoot families. They'are about like everybody else; oh, a little more hairy, and sort of tall in the saddle, but they're nice enough. It's sort of too bad they all have the same first name -- Bigfoot -- but we work around it, calling them Bigfoot Mister, Bigfoot Missus, Bigfoot Baby. And Bigfoot Next-to-Oldest, Bigfoot Parolee, Bigfoot Pope, and so on.

"I guess outsiders would think it is a little strange to see the Bigfoot people going naked all the time. For for us who live here it's really nice to see what a real whang can grow up to be.

"We have Bigfoot Bowler and Bigfoot Soccer Mom over to dinner now and then. We usually eat outside so we can be with them as they graze in the garden.

"Bigfoot children are fun to play with. I guess their favorite game is Hide and Seek, which explains why they're so difficult to find once they're in the woods. They also like Kick the Can, where they have a really big advantage. And they especially like basketball. Shaquille O'Neal sends them shoes. Word is he was a Bigfoot Baby but got converted by some missionaries.

"I think the Bigfoots are somehow related to the Grizzly Bears. But the Bigfoots have much better penmanship.

"I guess the Bigfoot people are so ordinary you wouldn't think of writing anything about them. Maybe if one of them married Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall that would be worth a mention."

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Matey says:

You are scrupulously honest, frank and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.