'See Spot Run' and Other Books I Read

One of my newest buddies is Thoroughly Modern Millie, who is a 79-year-old lass on the East Coast who writes a piece now and then. Maybe I should say "former buddy," because she has saddled Ol' Hoss with a "meme" -- the one where you gotta guess what books you have read and are reading. I am onliest doing this out of respect for the aged (Millie has me by 5 years), but I hope nobody memes Hoss much more. I got some baking to get done. So don't get me riled. I got hot cross buns.

So here's what Millie laid on me:

"1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?"

Crapamighty! You mean, Do I want to get burned up now or later? I ain't gonna be no damn book in a bonfire. It is clear, though, that in the movie I should be cast as an intellectual.

"2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?"

Damn right, Velvet Brown, the horse rider in "National Velvet." Elizabeth something or other, who just happens to be onliest 2 years younger'n me.

"3. The last book you bought was..."

"Locust," by Jeffrey Lockwood. I thought it had the recipe for chocolate-covered locusts. Turns out it was an insect-oriented shoot-'em-up.

"4. The last book you read was..."

"Ancient History," by J.M. Roberts. I am very big on things in the past, since I spend so much time there.

"5. What are you currently reading>"

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

"6. Five books you would take to a deserted island."

Don't nobody need no five books to get along anywhere, no how. You only need ONE book: The Oxford English Dictionary. It has all the words anybody could put in any book. All you gotta do is arrange and rearrange these words, and you got all the writin' anybody every done or will do. I guess the trick is in knowin' what order you wanta put the words in. It's a trick Ol' Hoss mastered years ago. As you well know.

"7. Who are you passing this job onto and why?"

I do not have any enemies to lay this on. So I guess the buck stops here, as Harry and I like to say. This is probably why I always vote against old ladies.

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Because of the swell dream I had last night, my favorite word today is incubus.

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Matey says:

On Jeopardy, the answer is: "Dr. Livingstone I presume."

Question: "What is Dr. Presume's full name?"