Look Out Folks; She's Gonna Blow

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

I have added several of my best pals to my Geriatric Ward over there on the left. If you're one of my best buddies and you're not listed, let me know. I love everybody.

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Since I'm in an Old Folks' Home, I may be thought of as too old to be around for the end of the world celebration. I hope I can hang on, because that will really be something to see -- regardless of which scenario proves to be the one we gotta use.

See, one imaginative theory is that we're gonna get us an Armageddon war thing and everybody will be divided up into the "saved" and the "lost." Various religions have different takes on who's gonna be salvaged and who's going in the dumpster. This World Ender could occur any time, so I may be around for that one, though it doesn't sound like much fun. I have always voted against Armageddon.

Another theory, which don't rely so much on Dead Sea Scrolls and Guesswork, is that in about 5 billion years we will be in for some serious sunburn when the sun starts getting bigger. The comeback book of the year will be "Black Like Me." No. 1 on the song charts will be The Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun."

What's gonna happen is the sun is going to swell up into a Red Giant and burn up the Earth, and everything else it can get its hands on. Everything will be crisper than a fresh Pringle's. Naturally, any people who are around will be turned into greasebags. That would be pretty good for the birdlife, to have 6 or so billion people turned into suet, but I guess the birds are headed for the crisper as well.

This will be recorded as a Mass Extinction of Distinction. Saddam Hussein will get the blame for using the ultimate WMD. But look on the bright side. We will finally get rid of all the mosquitoes, spiders, snakes and blowflies that cause so much trouble. We will get rid of summer colds and some other bad stuff. So Hosanna to that. I have always voted against blowflies.

Casey Outlooker, my down-the-hall neighbor, was asking me the other day how we ought to plan for this Great Ball of Fire Catastrophe Thing: "Since we ain't been boxed up yet," he said, "we might last till then. Who knows?" Yes indeed.

I think it is pretty clear that some scientist types will have figured out some other place we can move to and desecrate. And some engineer types will have some spaceships ready to take us "saved" people there (non-tithers will be left behind). But there's more to do. You know how it was with Noah, where he got to take two of everything? I showed Mr. Outlooker my short list of what mankind will need to survive in the New World That We're About to Ruin:

Two cows. We will need milk for the little ones born on the way out.
Two pigs. Farmers on our spaceships would be lost without being able to slop the hogs. Mental health is a plus on long trips.
Two succotash plants. No use taking separate corn, carrot, pea and bean plants.
Two pelicans. No sense workin' outselves to death in the New Order of Things. They can do all the fishin'.
Two books. "How to Make Salt," and "How Flush Toilets Work."

If we need anything else, we can scrounge for it.

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My least favorite word today is knob-rot. n. Slang. Def.: Masculine venereal disease.