Hoss Is SO Interesting

One of the ladies here in the Home for the Varicosed has an elevator that runs to the top. She is Maude Frickert. I asked Maude the other day why women wear brassieres and men don't. That's because in my time I have seen some men who could overflow a C-cup.

Maude said most women don't need a brassiere but they wear one out of tribute to the sweat shops that manufacture bras. "The existence of women's breasts has provided quite a bit of employment," Maude said. "Yes," I said, "titties have been fairly useful."

That statement of mine was so deep philosophically that Maude and I parted on the best of terms.

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I may soon be vacationing in the Virgin Islands. There is a house there that I can get for somewhere between $7,000 and $11,350 per week. I will have the money just as soon as my buddy Bill Gates answers my last email. That was the one where I said he should hire me to not write code for Microsoft. There is so much intrinsic value in my not screwing up his company that I might stay in the islands for two weeks.

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I am so enamored of me:

53. In high school, my buddy Don and I occasionally would walk downtown to a bakery on our lunch hour and buy a 20-cent loaf of french bread, hot out of the oven. The inside of the loaf was warm and yeasty. One day a teacher grabbed us and accused us of drinking beer. Until then, neither Don nor I knew beer had yeast in it. I would never vote against yeast.

54. There were two of us working on a road crew one summer for a logging company outside my hometown. The other guy was an anthropology major at the University of Oregon. I said, "What good is an anthropology degree?" He said, "You can use it to teach anthropology." That's when I first realized the meaning of "non-productive."

55. I actually did play "doctor" when I was 6 years old. Little Gloria from across the street and I did it on the bed of a trailer in the garage. Clever me, I was able to determine that Gloria had no crabs (and also no clams). She was able to determine that I couldn't get it up. This is why I always vote for sex education in kindergarten.

56. When I was writing speeches for Gov. Tom McCall was the last time we had an "energy crisis." There was a lot of talk about alternatives to oil, such as using methane that could be generated from cow shit. So I wrote, and Tom said, "Methane from cow manure is definitely a possibility. I would love to be able to drive into a service station and say, 'Shovel 'er up!'" This is why I always vote for me to be the speechwriter.

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My favorite word today is horsepucky. It's an epithet you can use in mixed company.

(Well, I don't know. You can also say Bush is full of horse doo-doo or horse apples, and still get your point across. Maybe horsepucky isn't very useful.)