Can Ol' Hoss Get a Job?

The chances that I can Make My Pile of Cash the easy way -- inheritance, win the lottery, embezzlement -- are not high. So, as much as I hate to do it at my age (74 and counting), I might have to get a job.

My pal Judy is helping me out by sending me a ready-made application to Walmart, which goes as follows:

Name: Ol' Hoss

Sex: Not lately. Prostates don't grow on trees.

Desired Position: Missionary. Or, whatever's available. If I could be picky you think I'd apply here?

Desired Salary: $185,000 a year, stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. I'm willing to haggle.

Last Position Held: Target for management hostility.

Reason for Leaving: Sexual harassment. By me or of me, I'd rather not say.

Preferred Hours of Work: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, except when my bowling league convenes.

Have You Received Any Special Awards?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

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Nobody can pay me to love you. I do that for free.

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The campaign that Judy and I have undertaken to elect Maxine Knowsall as President has withered somewhat. We have not had a mention lately in the New York Times, People or US. And nothing on ABC, CBS or NBC. Of course, Maxine is mentioned all the time on the other network, for she is indeed a Fox.

One of the problems is that she hasn't been involved in a scandal, which is always good for a lot of ink. For instance, Hillary drew lots of attention a few days ago when it was reported that a fund-raiser working on behalf of the Grand Dame had fudged some numbers. Like a million dollars, maybe; small change.

So if it takes a scandal, I'm on it. Expect to see it reported in Variety that Maxine will be giving birth to Ben Affleck's child. Maxine and Jennifer Garner will be roommates in the hospital.

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Dodehole: A hole drilled in a chipboard lavatory wall by homosexuals for any one of a number of purposes. -- Liff