More of Many Things About Hoss

The Administrator of the Home of Wizened Oldsters, where I am penned up, said they were gonna have a birthday party for me tomorrow.

Hoss: "It's not my birthday. I was born in October."

Administrator: "We're afraid you won't last that long."

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On the off chance that she is correct, I better get around to telling you more of the 100 (or 200 or 500) things about me. I know you want this list of historicals because I am so damn important you wouldn't want to go to your grave not knowin' me as good as I do.

42. Bend, Oregon, has lots of cold weather in the winter. In the 1930's there were no clothes dryers, and the washing of the laundry wouldn't wait, which meant sheets would go on the outdoor clothesline. Where they froze as stiff as my pecker used to get. My brother and I would bring the sheets in, make a fort, and fire imaginary pistols from behind our cover until the sheets melted. This game never lasted more than 6 minutes.

43. I was reading a piece by my new best friend, Angie, in which she was reporting on her wonderful Grandmother who could "take her finger and poke a hole in the soil, plop something in and it would grow." Ol' Hoss has always been like that. I would take my thumb and "poke a hole in the soil, plop my thumb in it and it would grow green thumbs." This is why I always vote for green eggs and ham.

44. I spent a summer at the home of my maternal grandparents down in New Pine Creek, a tiny town on the Oregon-California border. On the 4th of July a firecracker I threw didn't explode, so I picked it up to light it again. THEN it exploded. Gramma applied a paste of water and baking soda. I went back to play. Another firecracker wouldn't explode. I picked it up with my good hand and THEN it exploded. Gramma applied a paste of water and baking soda and threw the rest of my firecrackers down the shitter. This is why I always vote against New Pine Creek.

45. When I worked for the Capital Journal in Salem, Oregon, I did a story once about a portable device the hospital had bought that would record the user's heart beat for 24-hour period. It was useful in detecting anomalies. So I wore the thing for 24 hours. On the printout there was a place where my heart skipped a beat. The diagnostician said this is normal. I didn't die until a couple of days later. This is why I almost quit voting.

46. A lot of internet people are "stay at home Moms" or "stay at home Dads." I am a "stay at home Grandfather." This is a helluva lot better deal than being a Mom or Dad. The Old Bastards Home where I live does all my laundry and cleaning and brings me food. My kids bring me Fixodent, cookies and Wild Turkey. I don't do nuthin' for nobody. I gave at the office.

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My favorite word today is chimera, because it reminds me of me. ("Chimera" can be interpreted as "something unbelievable." It also can be something like a Minotaur, which I am thinkin' of gettin' reincarnated as. Based on reader comments from the other day, I will NOT be gettin' reincarnated as a merkin.)