Hoss, the Unmatched Matchmaker

Lots of people commiserate with Ol' Hoss the Ancient in his single-minded pursuit of The Almighty Dollar, of which I need plenty to finance my Hoss-carryin' rocket ship to the Saggitarius Galaxy, where I will be brought back to life, Ted Williams-style. (Naturally, if I don't die I will probably donate all my money to a worthy cause, like maybe a porn site that doesn't get a lot of hits.)

The latest commiserator is my good buddy Vicki, who writes snazzy Internet pieces on accounta she's so talented. What brought Hoss's needs to mind was Vicki's experience at an airport. There, a very elderly woman in a wheelchair needed to go to the bathroom, but her son didn't wanna take her to the ladies convenience. So Vicki did the duty. The lady got all teary-eyed that someone who didn't work at the airport would help her out, and Vicki says no problem, because time might come when she would need similar assistance. The wheelchair lady said, "Oh, you'll get help when you need it."

Well, maybe so, maybe not. But Hoss wants to make it so. Therefore, my latest investment opportunity is now open for business. Welcome to the ground floor of, Ta-da!..."Dialing for Dildos and Other Help."

This is a matchmaking scheme the likes of which ain't never been seen. For openers, I will post unemployed Irish potato-eaters in all the airports in the land to help people go pee for a fee. I probably will dress 'em in white sheets so they don't stand out too much.

Or say that whacky Aunt Sarah wants to get across the country in her 2005 Bentley but can't drive. Well, I hook her up with some ne'er-do-well from the ghetto and pay him $4 an hour to drive Sarah to Oshkosh. Sarah pays ME $8 an hour. Everybody wins: Sarah gets to Oshkosh, Hoss gets rich for doing nothin', and the City of Salem rids itself of a gang-banger. (I can see a Citizen of the Year Award in this.)

There are all kinds of possibilities. I could hook up horny college professors with students willing to be abused for a price. I could get a cop a promotion by feeding him a bunch of easy arrests of purse-snatchers who are tired of sleeping in the rain. I could provide high school students with shifty-eyed characters willing to buy the kids some booze. I could hook up some of the lecherous old goats here in The Old Folks Home with some hot young surfer babes.

I'm not sure my new company will be selling any dildos. I just like a catchy name.

I'm kind of anxious to get this started. So if all you hot young surfer babes will email me about your availability and proposed hours of work, *wink wink*, I will much appreciate it.

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My favorite word today is happystance. n. sophomorism. Def.: The position of one who discovers the previous occupant of a pay phone booth has left a quarter in the coin return slot.

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I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. --Stephen Bishop.