Symbols of Oregon

Here I am cooped up in a Domicile for the Elderly and Otherwise Used Up People, and I'm happy as a fruitcake (fruitcakes are happy because they never die). I think I'm in a good mood because I've discovered I'm just about a perfect specimen of homo sapiens. But I confess I'm a little hacked off that the Oregon Legislature has not recognized this.

Being mad doesn't make me any less perfect. In fact, I guess it shows my sensitive side. And I get pretty damn sensitive when the Legislature fails to recognize my contributions to taking this state to pretty near the bottom in unemployment statistics. See, my theory is that the more people you got unemployed the cheaper you can hire 'em to do drudge work, like swamping out sewer lines. So that's been my contribution -- making sure we have few people employed.

What has got me pissing up a rope is that I was not named State Fossil by the Legislature. I also was not named State Mammal, State Rock, State Nut or State Flip the Bird. This is a shame, because we got some really shitty symbols, if you ask me, which I think you did. Just take a gander at what we got in this state:

Mammal: Beaver, the live version of a merkin.
Fish: Whatever is one of those things that is born every minute.
Flower: Skunk cabbage.
Dance: What you do when the hombre aims his six-shooter at yer feet.
Fruit: Pear (not the fruit, but the body shape of the present Governor).
Gemstone: A chip off the old block; formerly a chip on a shoulder.
Insect: Oregon rain beetle.
Mushroom: Peyote.
Nut: Henny Youngman.
Rock: Gibralter. (Rock of Ages was considered, but legislators decided that it could be too easily cleft.)
Song: "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy (I Got Love in My Tummy)," by Julie London.
Tree: Japanese kudzu.
Fossil: McDonalds french fry.
Beverage: Bathtub gin (Western Oregon); bathtub beer (Eastern Oregon).
Bird: Lesser Dodo.
Shell: 8 With Coxswain. (The resolution requires the team to observe the Rules of the Rowed.)
State Mother: Fucker.

Nowhere in that list do I see the name of Old Horsetail Snake. Bastards. I think I'll form my own state. Elect myself State Flower Child.

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Because the State Legislature is doing such a crappy job, my favorite word today is miffed.

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There are two great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.