A Bunch of Piss-Poor Writin'

The Invention Committee in my Old Folks' Home has met again. And, hoo boy, is it ever struggling.

Lisa Lapsitter: "How about nose warmers? You soak some Q-tips in lighter fluid, and when your nose gets cold you torch a couple of the Q-tips and shove them up your nostrils."

The committee voted this one down, 3-2, on grounds that we probably couldn't get a patent leather.

Gorgeous Alfred: "What this country needs is an Automatic Toilet Bowl Handle Jiggler. Half the time when I flush, the toilet keeps runnin', wasting gallons and gallons of water. Ain't probably nobody couldn't use one of these fixins'."

The committee voted to develop this one, pending a decision on whether to turn the project over to a computer expert or a porcelain manufacturer.

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Have you ever noticed that it takes a lot longer to travel north than it goes to travel south? That's because every map ever made shows north is uphill.

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I called the Oregon School for the Deaf the other day, and got put on hold. The on-hold music was "Do You Hear What I Hear?".

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George Bush got a tour of the White House before he became President. On leaving, he told Laura, "I can't wait to get in there. The Clintons have got a solid-gold urinal."

Hillary to Bill: "I think I know who pissed in your saxophone."

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There is no reward for honesty. This is why I am so poor.

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My favorite word for today is conundrum. I think I can slip it by the right-wing religious nuts in my kindergarten sex education class.

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Matey says:

Most general statements are false, including this one. --Alexander Dumas.