Seeking the Fountain of Youngness

My buddy Surfie has noted my affinity for offbeat words and has challenged me to use the terms "troglodyte" and "loquacious" in the same sentence, and it must make sense. Hell, there ain't nuthin' Ol' Hoss can't do, because I just did it. Don't you see both words in the sentence above? Hoo boy I get a kick out of out-sharpin' people.

Well, okay, an honest try:

"That Hoss is an iggerant sumbitch who just rattles on about nuthin'." There, troglodyte and loquacious in the same sentence. A sentence with much truth to it.

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Being as how I don't get out much, being confined by my oxygen tank to The Old Dinosaurs' Home, I do a lot of internet surfing. And one day, what to my wondering eyes did appear but a notice by a would-be Jonas Salk of plans to do some experimental medicine. On old people like me.

Well, I wasn't so much interested in getting worked over and on as I was in seizing an opportunity to Make My Pile. You see, I have made and been cheated out of more fortunes than Carnegie, Mellon, Rockefeller, Martha Bumfuck, Warren Buffett and my buddy Bill Gates ever had. Mostly I been ripped off by the Chinese, who copy my inventions and don't pay me any royalties. And then the IRS has busted my chops a time or two. So I'm still in need of Another Pile of Lucre. ("Lucre" is Messican for "rials.")

I got in touch with this experimenter fella, whose named happened to be Dr. Jonas Suck. I said to him, "For a piece of the action, say 10 percent royalty on any medicines you develop, I will provide you with all kinds of senior citizens: shut-ins, cast-offs, diaper-fillers, crips and fatsos. The worn out, the worn in, the dim-witted, the mute, the halt and the blind. Whatta ya need?"

Jonas, seeing as how I am a true American go-getter, levels with me. "What I am working up," he says in a conspiratorial way, eyeing the horizon for eavesdroppers, "is The Ultimate Pill. As a working title, I have designated it: The Ponce de Leon Special."

"Holy lickety brindle!" I busted out, like a bladder that has gotten too full. "The soda fountain of youth!"

"So what we need," says Dr. Suck, "is a volunteer to try these pills on. How about you, Mr. Ol' Hoss?"

"Hell damn NO," I sput (which is not quite a sputter). "I been young once, and it's like bein' the asshole of the universe. You got your colic, pneumonia, measles, diphtheria, whooping cough, acne, girl trouble, shotgun marriages, babies loading diapers with green shit, knee biters, Girl Scout cookie routes, athletic fees, drunken prom nights, college costs. The highlight of the month is delivery pizza.

"So, no thanks, Dr. Suck, to being young again. Once was too many. But I maybe got a candidate to do a trial run on -- Cassie Beenbad. She'll swallow anything. Well, I don't mean ANYTHING, if you get my drifter. But anyways, bring yer stuff over and we'll sluice it down Cassie's throat."

So, to make a long stupid story a little longer, that's what Dr. Suck and I did. And Lo the Behold! Cassie became young again. I mean, suddenly she is three months old.

"Look," I said, "this ain't gonna work out too good. If everybody gloms onto this pill, you and I will be the only people left to change diapers. AND I ALREADY HAD MY DAMN FILL OF GREEN SHIT!"

Both Dr. Suck and Ol' Hoss are still looking for a way to Make A Pile.