Inventions Wanted

I am putting up a sign in The Oldest People's Home where I live that says: "Inventions Wanted." As you know, I need to Make My Pile before I die so I can Take It With Me. It seems that St. Peter has raised the ante. So many Arabs are blowing themselves up for the Greater Glory of God that Heaven is getting a little crowded.

St. Pete has got it made: a seller's market. I can't much blame him. Paving streets with gold and hiring virginal seraphims takes a lot of gelt. Dough-re-me. Moolah. Jacksons.

You remember that old one: "How many angels could dance on the head of a pin?" This is difficult for most people because in the question it doesn't say whether or not the angels need any elbow room.

This is a lot like that poser where two trains are going in opposite directions at 40 miles an hour, etc., etc. The thing is they never tell you whether the trains are headed to Pittsburgh or Philadelphia. How can you do math without having all the information?

About the inventions: If I get some good ideas I plan to take about 80 percent of the profit. This is because I had the bright idea of putting up the "Inventions Wanted" sign. I have to do everything.

Lucinda Mae Botkiss told me she was whisked away in an UFO last night. I told her to keep thinking about my problem, because UFOs have already been invented. She didn't say whether she was diddled.

Inventing is not all that hard, it seems. For instance, the husband of Jamie Dawn has just come up with "Moon on a Stick." This, she says, "is nylon-covered foam, shaped like buttocks and placed on a stick. Whenever one thinks a fellow driver is deserving, the buns are smashed up against the window. They look pretty real, too. I'm so proud."

After Jamie Dawn reported that, she had at least eight comments, and almost all of them said they'd buy a "Moon on a Stick". Well, who wouldn't? What with there being so many witless drivers on the road.

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My favorite word today is victuals*. If you can pronounce this correctly without looking in the dictionary, you win a Rolex watch, or a prize of lesser value, such as an umbrella (as in "let a smile be your umbrella...").

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Anonymous contributor says:

Always drink upstream from the herd.

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* We always had "vittles" at my grandmother's house. Along with some provender.