Hoss Gets Hit With Another Meme

How many times do I have to say it? I am 74 and 236/365 years old and I should get some respect! But no, because I happen to be a famous internet writer people keep dumping their work on me. It does not pay to be an intellectual; people will try to take advantage of your superior talent. Hell, just because I owned a little Enron stock people think I will gullible-up to anything.

The latest little schemer is Mike. According to a picture on his site, he is a reincarnation of Ernest Hemingway. What Ernie has done is assign me to write "10 Things I've Never Done." I have did just about everything, but these:

1. I was never kissed by a presidential candidate when I was a baby. I DID shake the hand of Dwight Eisenhower and Tricky Dick. Pat Nixon kissed me on the cheek (one of the ones on my face).

2. I have never been to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. So have everybody else.

3. I have never eaten octopus. "Live and let live" is my motto.

4. I have never had a heart transplant. My heart has always been in the right place -- not once did I let it out of my chest. "I 'heart' you" is just a figure of speech. It isn't like you're giving up anything, which is why I always vote against figures of speech.

5. I have never slid in with the winning run in a baseball game. "Many are called..." but most are called out.

6. I have never made so little money that I could avoid income taxes. All my employers paid me money, but it was little.

7. I have never watched a "Star Wars" movie. What is wrong with people, that they would pay money for this tripe? Don't you know "It's a Wonderful Life" will be on free teevee in just a few months?

8. I have never been high on marijuana, cocaine, LSD, morphine, heroin, steroids or ecstasy. I did once sing Bali Ha'i, but not on key. This is why I always vote against foreign islands.

9. I have never been shot to death. This is good, because I don't handle pain well.

10. I have never read the output of 8,927,000 people who write pieces and put them on the internet. I read the output of the other 73 every day, and you all are Master Card priceless.

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My campaign to stamp out the "B" word (the one that has a B, an L, an O, and a G in it) is not going all that well. Yesterday, Poopie used it 5 times!. Please go over and spank her.

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Matey says:

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.