I Love Me Best of All

When they whisked me outta the Old Folks' Home and trundled me to the hospital, I had no idea what was in store for me. Now I have found out: I spent $5,143.47 at the store. In three days. And I brought my own bedpan (I have the tricked-out Ferrari model, lined with fur off a baby seal).

To not coin a phrase, they must think I'm made out of money. "Money doesn't grow on trees," to not coin another phrase. "A fool and his money are soon parted," as long as we're busy not coining phrases. "Money is the root of all evil," ad infinitcetera.

So I sent the hospital a note, saying, "Please check your bill." They wrote back, "We checked with Bill, and Mr. Gates, the owner of this hospital, wants his money now!"

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Trundle is my favorite word today.

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Getting along with the 100 (or more) things you need to know about Ol' Hoss:

30. I was at a bar in Houston, and the band playing there was led by the famous James "Pappy" Self, who wrote the greatest fiddle tune of all time, "Orange Blossom Special." Pappy didn't make a dime off that song, because he never got a copyorvillewright on it. I shook his hand. Now I'm infamous too.

31. I have never had a "near-death experience," but my cousin did. When she came back to life I asked her what she saw. She said, "I saw my body from afar. I was really fat, and I was eating a Krispy Kreme." And then she died of hunger. I guess this won't be of much help to the Near-Death Experience Research Foundation.

32. I have a LOT in common with Bill Gates. My name is Gene. His name is Bill. We both have four letters in our name. Not everybody is so well-blessed.

33. I don't have a lot in common with Bill Gates. My apartment is 535 square feet. His house is 4,900 square feet, and counting. I am old; he is young. He's got lots of money; I got zilch. But someday I am going to invent something that will raise my net worth from nada to piddling. This is why I always vote in favor of inventions.

34. I once had a garden at home in which I raised celeriac, salsify, yard-long beans, ground cherry, kohlrabi and gophers. I was never a go-fer personally, but I knew some. They were afraid of my shadow.

35. I have been married five times -- twice to my present wife. This is not a brag; this is an admission of ox dumbness. This is why I always vote in favor of abortion of me, except it's too late.

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Matey says:

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.