Hoss Changes the Pace

The other day one of my grandkids asked how I felt about being old. It's an interesting question, don't you think?

Growing older, I decided, is something of a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize for long.

As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I don't chide myself for not making my bed or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but that looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many friends leave this world too soon -- before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until midnight, and then sleep till ---? I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or when you have to put down a beloved pet? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

As you get older it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've earned the right to be wrong.

So I like being older. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be.

Live simply. Live generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And adhere to the golden rule: So it goes.*

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My favorite phrase today is steel wool. N., I wish I had hair like that. Def.: A group loofah for masochists.

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(Most of this I didn't write. I don't know who did, either. But it's still pretty good.)

That a Shriner Hat?

My pal Sudiegirl said I had to put this picture on my b**g. Well, maybe it wasn't Sudie. Maybe it was her cat, Chelmsford, who guest posted for Sudie and instructed: "You needs put picture in post too so everybody can see how bee-yoo-tee-ful it is. Dat way you share dee luv." (Her cat apparently is two ticks short of a minute.)

What the cat (?) wants to know is where I would put this monkey in my house if I had it. I am happy to oblige.

1. First I would see how well it fits in my garbage can.

2. Or, I would put it on the patio to scare the starlings away.

3. Or, I would put it on the front porch to scare vacuum cleaner salespersons away.

4. Or, best of all, I would convert it into a pinata, and give the illegal immigrants some punchbag time.

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Go here to see what lengths some guys will go to catch a ride.

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Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

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My favorite word today is ohnosecond. N., only takes a minute. Def.: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG error. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake.)

Here (at last) Is That Meme, Margaret

A long time ago (May 18 to be exact) the Teacher Woman, a.k.a. Margaret, laid a meme on me. This is because I am the best memer ever lived and it is a wonder I don't get 2-3 million hits on it but that's the way it goes and so it goes. I guess scientists would say that is "too bad."

But I will try to save some space in the Comments section for you, as you is my best buddies and huggers for which I appreciate mightily. Anyway, here is this here meme:

What are you most proud of?
I guess you could say that I am proud of having outlived two-thirds of the members of my high school graduating class. And I'm still picking them off, day by day. Purty soon I will be the last one standing, and then I will vote myself most likely to succeed.

On the other hand, I am utmost proud of being one of the leaders of the campaign to fluoridate the water in Salem, Oregon. This was a long time ago, and we got it done via ballot measure. So now all the little knee biters born in Salem have me to thank for the fact that they can bite my shorts.

Who is the least qualified candidate for President, and why?
Fifty-two percent of the people say they wouldn't vote for Hillary no matter what, so I guess unelectability is a pretty good reason. There are other reasons, too, like getting elected senator from New York when your hometown is Hope, Ark. And her failure to get a health program going. And that her husband is Slick Willy. And that she stole all the White House china when Mr. Slick left office. But I guess the worst of all is that she's got fat calves. Nobody wants a misshapen President.

What book or movie changed your life?
I am sure that it was Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, the one that's about 6 inches thick. See, when I was a little guy I couldn't see over the fence between us and the neighbor lady. But I got a little help from my friend -- the dictionary. By standing on it I could see over the fence straight into her bedroom. Hoo boy, what a education I got....

What made you decide to start b**gging?
Egotism, plain and simple. Now, of course, I do it because you all would go nuts if I didn't put a piece on here now and then. I have a big investment in your laugh wrinkles.

What is your favorite drink, non-alcoholic or alcoholic?
Did I tell you I was once a member of Alcoholics Anonymous? My kidney is still full of coffee. But I got over that and now I drink vodka, although sometimes I switch to bourbon, and occasionally get a hankerin' for Glenfiddich, and then, of course, there's your B&B. I'll let you pick my favorite, as long as it's at least 80 proof.

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My favorite word today is karmageddon. N., one of those ooommm things. Def.: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

The Kidney Thing Makes Beans

Have you noticed lately that gas prices are coming down? Big deal. Don't you remember when we thought $2 a gallon was outrageous? I hate being conditioned like this.....

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Okay, explain this.

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Somebody (my local newspaper?) listed some statements made by school students that lent themselves to frivolity. For instance:

Q. Name the four seasons
Ans. Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O and U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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My favorite phrase today is salmon day. N., three little fishies swam over the dam, boop boop... Def.: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

I Am Not Wholly Pure

I forgot that today is the Fourth of July, so I failed to ask you to send me some illegal fireworks. Rats. Well, just send me the money, instead.

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The reason I didn't get a G rating was because they detected I had used the word "shit" and the word "pooh." Guard your kiddies' ears, dudes and dudesses.

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There are two basic types of Yoga. One requires much practice, patience and discipline. Here is Yoga from India, the kind that my friend Bonnie enjoys.

The second kind of Yoga, not so much. Below is Yoga from Ireland.



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Consider:

1. When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

2. They keep talking about the Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Under the new Supreme Court, we are not using it.

3. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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My favorite word today is assmosis. N., seeping through the rye. Def.: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Vicki Makes Perfect Posts and Cookies

This is a sort of rabbit, which is good enough to get the job done: Say Rabbit Rabbit! and display a rabbit picture early in the month and have luck for 30 days hath September, April, June and November, all the rest have 31, save that stupid February.... The Pez Family does this, and I do it too, having caught on that my horseshoe was nailed wrongside up.

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The first (or second, depending upon how Sunday falls) is also the day when a whole passel of us announce the winner of our Perfect Post. This was invented, as you know, by Momma K and Lucinda so we could honor good readin' and writin', mostly writin'.

My Perfect Post goes to my pal, Vicki, for her post about husband Rich's discovery of the trash compactor. And if that wasn't enough, she also threw in her recipe for "Better Than Sex Molasses Cookies." Go enjoy.

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I rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin' dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Which one ARE you, then?"

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My favorite phrase today is percussive maintenance. N., what Ringo does. The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

And I'm Betting on Pluto to Win

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in South Korea).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), Joe sat down at his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could afford to spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in Indonesia), he got in his car (made in Germany), filled it with gas (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying job.

It seemed fruitless, so he decided to relax. Joe put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), turned on his TV (made in Myanmar) and wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in America.

(No shit, Sherlock?)

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Midlife has started when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. ~Miss Cellania.

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My favorite phrase today is laughing stock. N., use a feather on 'im, Grampa! Def.: What you call cattle with a sense of humor.

Single-Sitting Smorgasbord*

Two days ago was my 700th post. Hot damn. And I got at least two more in me.

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Smarts. That's what that does.

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Holey Moley! Let's go fishing in the flight path.

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All the problems we face in the U.S. today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. ~Pat Paulsen

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Where you work ought to say something about what you do in life. For instance, in Grapevine, Texas, you wanna be a gossip columnist. And in Fairbanks, Alaska, you wanna be a loan officer.

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The other day, Karen, of Jersey Tomatas, called me a "mensch". I was all ready to feel insulted, of course (you know how I can get in an instant umbrage), but I held my fire and probed deeplier. She did this in the course of lifting from my b**g, when she asked her readers to check me out. "Now I know," she wrote, "where all the mensches went."

Later on she offered this: "For those who need it, a mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being 'a real mensch' is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous."

I ain't taking none of this to my head. But I do love being decorated.

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Whatta you suppose got into Pinky, who was this animal farm's Cat of the Week? I think he is blowing his chances of getting adopted. Go here, to where it hurts.

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., hits me right where it itches. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles (American Idol, Paris Hilton) that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

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(* I don't know what this means, either. But it has a nice zing to it.)

Everybody Can Have a Bad Day

Yes, I mean everybody. Some of us seem to have more bad days than others, though. Take, for instance, ol' Dubya.

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I am told that this makes your computer run faster. I wouldn't know: I don't have a dog.

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A b**g buddy of mine last posted in January. I have been checking on her site almost every day, religious-like. Finally I got an email saying she's back in business. If you know her, you know her as The Purple Lady. If you would like to visit and re-up with her, she's J & J's Mom.

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Here's something I stole from Miss Cellania, who stole it from somebody else. It's pretty cute:

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Crosus replied: "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

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My favorite word today is generica. N., just things, in general. Def.: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

On the River Kauai

The Washington Post recently asked readers to merge two or more companies or products into a new firm or product. Here are some:

"Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips"

"Hair Club for Men and Brunswick Billiards merge to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees"

"Bridgestone tires, Honda motors, River Island clothing and Kauai coffee merge and become BridgeHondaRiverKauai"

"DeBeers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire merge into DeBeersIndyFridge"

"Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers merge and become PolyWarnerCracker"

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Several surgeons are discussing which kind of person they prefer to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "But you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

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My favorite word today is examination. N., what is the passing grade? Def.: Trying to determine whether the hair clinging to the bathtub overflow is yours, or his.

Writing a B**g Is Easy. Sure It Is.

Talk about futility. Somebody wrote 101 ideas for a b**g, and left poor Sudiegirl to show it to us. I think whoever wrote that list was desperate indeed. For instance, here are some of the ideas:

"Make a post that is inspirational." (Lots of opportunity here -- Mother's Day, Flag Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, your birthday, your Mom's birthday.... Do this some day when you're feeling inspired. Ho ho.)

"Write a funny post." (Holy shit!! You just sit right down there and be funny. Really easy, pal.)

"Create a huge list of your best posts." (But what if all of them are pretty crappy?)

"Post a picture that speaks 1,000 words." (And then write 1,000 words explaining your lens stop.)

"Create a post that incorporates the words 'desperate' and 'futile.'" (Been there; done that.)

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Speaking of inspirational, go check out Great Britain's version of American Idol. Winner of their most recent competition sings opera for Christ's sake! You would have voted for him too. For a peek, please visit Paul Potts. And if you liked that performance of his in the semifinal, which you did, you can catch him in the finals at Britain's Got Talent. Simon Cowell fans can catch Simon being nice.

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A new study just released by the American Psychiatric Assocation is about women and how they feel about their butts.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their butt is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their butt is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

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A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty nice. Where'd you get him?"

"In France," the parrot says. "They've got millions of 'em."

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My favorite word today is artist. N., with both ears left. Def.: Someone who tends to give you the brush.

Of Course There's Something Wrong

Ma came in the house and yelled, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse." He says, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is! Now get out there and fix it!"

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse!" She replied, "Stick yer head in the hole." To which Pa responded, "I ain't stickin' my head in the hole." But she insists: "You gotta stick yer head in the hole to see what's wrong."

So now, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells to Ma, "There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse, I tell ya." "Now," she yells back, "take yer head outta the hole!"

Pat proceeds to back out of the hole, but then starts yellin', "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

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Big Ernie addresses Al Gore first. "Al, what do you believe?"

Gore replies: "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was Your will that I not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

Ernie thinks for a minute and says, "I admire your humility. Come sit at my left."

Big Ern then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe?"

Clinton replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

Ernie thinks this over, then says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come sit at my right."

And then Big Ernie calls on George W. Bush. "George, what do you believe?"

Bush says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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My favorite word today is intaxication. Adj., oh giddy hoo ho. Def.: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Sleepin' Wit Da Fishies

Here be some lovely pictures with odd quotes. Enjoy.










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My favorite word today is adult. N., one of those things that likes Hoss's b**g. Def.: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.

So Long, Baldie

The government today announced that it is changing the country's emblem from a Bald-Headed Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It does not eat carrion. They got Cheney for that.

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I have been much too nice to you women of late. Not that you don't deserve it, but still.... So, this little cartoon and this little story:A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife: "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer before it starts."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, and said, "Oh, shit. It started."

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My favorite word today is shuffle. Adj., "Walk like this." Def.: An awkward walk used by two people in a hurry accidentally getting into the same segment of a revolving door.

Oh, I Remember That One

At first, I thought this was a picture of the star of this piece, Jimmy Whetlip. But maybe it isn't...

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A b**gger friend of mine was doing some reminisce t'other day and had come across an old entry of mine which she thought was pretty good. And so it was:

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Jimmy Whetlip is sort of new here in The Manor of the Old Folks Bred, so I don't know much about him. I DO know he's one of those exacting kinds of guys -- you know, "My piece of pie is littler than his piece of pie." "My room is one square foot less than you advertised."

So it didn't surprise me none to see him parked at the gas pumps arguing with the attendant. I parked at another pump and went over to see what was the hassle.

Jimmy to the Attendant: "No, I want exact change."

Attendant: "I can't make exact change. The U.S. Mint did not make any mills yet."

Hoss: "Hi, Jimmy, S-up?"

Jimmy: "I drove in here and asked for exactly one gallon of gasoline, which costs $2.89 9/10. I am offering him full price when he can make change."

Hoss: "Uh, Jimmy, there ain't no one-mill coins.'

Jimmy: "Then how come they advertise in mills? Nine/tenths is nine mills. Ten mills is a penny. I want what's mine, and what I want is one mill in change. And I'm going to sit here till I get it."

Well, you know what happened after that. More of us came to realize he was In the Right, and we all ordered one gallon of gas, just on principle. So, at first there was a hot dog stand. Then a full-blown 7-11 store came in. Starbucks built on the corner, a bank came in, a bed and breakfast, GI Joe's with their sleeping bags, a mattress store, a dirty book store, hookers, drifters, crackheads and cops -- pretty soon it was just a normal American neighborhood.

My car's still down there. I notice the service station attendant is getting a little long in the tooth.

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My favorite word today is pomeranian. N., animal about the size of a rat. Def.: A small dog that resembles a throw rug and appears to be dead.

Please Send Raggedy Some Cheer

While I am not doing nuthin', I am substituting for my pal Raggedy, who is in a world of hurt with something they're calling "spinal headaches." She cannot sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time or she gets the excruciating kind of bad head. And I am not the only sub. So if you get a chance, run over there and see and leave a few kind words.

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A guy is driving around Tennessee (where also lives my buddy, Janie,) and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." So he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes there and sees a Labrador Retriever.

He asks the dog, "Do you talk?"

"Yes I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my government, so I told the CIA about my gift and, in no time, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

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My favorite word today is ant. N., nit one, purl two. Def.: A small insect, though always at work, that still finds time to go to picnics.

Time to Dry Up

You know about WD-40, right? The Duct Tape of the shiny world? Here's one thing I didn't know:

"Keeps flies off cows." (Now all I need is a cow. And a tube of WD-40, I guess.)

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Two days of 86 degrees and it's not even July yet. So, topfive.com gives us some songs about global warming:

"I Want to Scald Your Land"

"The Ballad of George and Kyoto"

"Dry Me a River"

"(I Can't Get No) Fridgeration"

"Brown, Brown Grass of Home"

"Fry Like an Eagle"

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So this guy fills his car with gas at a self-service station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

He thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road. He figured even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," the man thought. "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better, because it locks....."

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My favorite word today is port. N., surely this is about computers, right? Def.: Fancy schmancie Spanish wine.

Detoxifying the Mysteries

In my last post I appear to have mystified some of you. Frinstance, couple people said they had never heard of Walnettos (boo! hiss!). Here are a couple of pictures of a Walnetto in action and out of action. Picture on the left shows real Walnettos, which were chocolate covered caramels with crushed walnuts. (You can still get 'em. Just go Google.)

The picture on the right is from the old Rowan and Martin Laugh-in Comedy of sometime in the 1960's (maybe 70's?). The fella on the ground is Arte Johnson, who regularly would sidle up to Ruth Buzzi and say, "Want a walnetto?" She then would pummel Arte with her purse.

I hope you all got that straight. There will be a test next week.

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And I stuck some people with my thing-that's-shaped-sorta-like-a-pear-that's-green-inside-but-isn't-avocado. Surely I thought everyone knew that this is guacamole, which I could eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Vicki got it right and then wondered if maybe I mean guava jelly. C'mon, Vicki, be a princess. I don't know what guavas is (are?). Guacamole is made of mashed avocado, chopped green onion, chopped jalapeno and chopped tomatoes.

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Miz Mell wanted me to put up a picture of my tomatoes. This is because I challenged her to a tomato-growing contest. She has tomatoes bigger than a dinosaur coprolite. I am still waiting for my first tomato flower. Is it time for me to declare I won this contest? (How was I to know she lived in some damn hothouse?)

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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. The doctor says, "That looks nasty." "Nasty!" replies the man. "This is just the tip of the iceberg."

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My favorite word today is ptarmigan. N., what feeds foxes. Def.: A pkind of pbird.

Hoss Nails Another Meme

"
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." --
Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

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Acton Bell, she of the Pez Family, hit me with a meme (and for those of you not imbued with an implanted dictionary, a "meme" is "a unit of cultural information"). I will do it, but I will not ask anybody else to do it because after I am finished there will be nothing left to say.

What were you doing 10 years ago?" Now, right there is where Acton Bell has got it all wrong. You do not ever ask a guy who is 76 what he was doing when he was 66. You will not get any information, because the 76-year-old (me) is just likely to say, "Damned if I know. Same thing I was doing 20 years ago, I guess." So it goes.(Pushy broad.)

What were you doing 1 year ago? More history. Screw that.

What five snacks do you enjoy? Now we're in business. The best five snacks ever are Walnettos, Pork and Beans, Vienna Sausage, Red Hots, and that stuff you make out of the thing that sort of looks like pears but is soft and green inside whose name is not avocados. Don't attack this list in the comments. Old people know what's right.

Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. Ho ho har de har har. Chortle, giggle and gag. I know the lyrics to EXACTLY ONE song, and it is "Take an Old Cold Tater and Wait". You never heard of it. I do get a kick out of Kenny Rogers, though. Also Roy Rogers.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire. I hate you people who are holding me back. As long as you are giving me fictional money, make it a lot; something like 5 bazillion. Then I'd give it all to poor people so they can start over. In about 20 years, the rich people will have it, and the poor will be poor again. This is known as "the American Way."

Name your five worst habits. 1. Taking a meme hit from Acton Bell. Scientists say this is "too bad." 2. I dunno. 3. Hmmmm.... 4. This is really hard to do..... 5. Giving money to poor people.

Name five things you like doing. 1. I like it when you visit my b**g. Then I know you are still interested in educating yourself. 2. I like it when I visit your b**g. Then I see how much help you need. 3. Sleeping. 4. Getting up. 5. Booze-books-birds-travel-hugs from Scamp. (Did I mention sleeping and getting up?)

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My favorite word today is net. N., be sure to learn your Boy Scout knots. Holes tied together with string.

I Get the News When.....When I Can?

Okay, just....whoa!...easy now...damn that hurts....Quit pulling!.....WTF?..... Buttwipe...

See, what you do is, on the first of the month you run a picture of a rabbit in distress and all the month you will have good luck. According to the Pez family of B**ggers, anyway. But I think it works: I am the luckiest man in the universe, having landed with my once wife, Scamp.

(I'm not sure the rabbit has to be in distress. But, what the hey?)

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The First of the Month also calls for posting the winner of a Perfect Post award. This was invented by Momma K and Lucinda to reward "extra effort" by people who write so purty.

This month, my Perfect Poster is, once again, a humorist, who can be found at Holtie's House. He tells a tale about a pregnancy and a "middle wife". Go enjoy.

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Now, then: A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires last year. The smoke from the fires was so thick that taking pictures from ground level was impossible. So he got permission from his boss to charter a flight so he could take photos from the air.

He called the Local County Airport to charter a flight. He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and then shouted "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some closeup shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're NOT my flight instructor?"

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My favorite word today is reboot. N., something about computers, right? Def.: What you do at 2 a.m. when you have to get up to go to the outhouse.

Nothing Is More to Lose

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

Fine. This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes. If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing. This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin in Nothing usually end in Fine.

Go Ahead. This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!!

Loud Sigh. This is not quite a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

That's Okay. This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks. Don't read anything into this. Do not question it. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome." Sometimes that works.

Whatever. V., meaning screw you!

Don't Worry About It; I Got It. This is something a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

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My favorite word today is laptop. N., someplace to put the computer? Def.: Where the kittie naps.

Hoo Boy! I Am Going to Get Richness

This signboard may have well been written by Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary.

Whom, you asked, is Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary? Why she is the one who is going to make me richness. See, she wrote me a letter which I can share with you:

"I am Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary (see, I wasn't lying), a natinality of Sierre Leone, but writen you from madrid in Spain (I am glad it is not the madrid in Japan). I happily married to late Mr. P. Ansary, we were both married for 7 years without a child, and he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days (I suspect some people who are offed by their wives don't even last that long.).

"My late husband was a Gold and Diamond marchant based in West Africa, before he died he has sum of $23M (Twenty Three Million United States Dollars), in a depository box he deposited as a consignment in one of the security firm in Benin Republic under my name. (Only make deposits in a depository account. Use something else for withdrawals.)

"Presently am diagnosed with cancer of the breast (which one, for God's sake! I may have a preference.), and am writen you from my sick bed in one of the hospital in Spain where am undergoing surgical operation, and due to my health condition am unable to carry out the funds relocate myself.

"I seek for your help to make the change of ownership of the depository box containing the funds ($23M) to your favour, and relocate to your care in your country/resident state for joint partnership in the investment of the funds in a lucrative business (can't we just get by on the $23 million?), after my recovering from the break cancer surgical operation I shall join you for the investment project.

"I offer you 15% of the total sum for your honorarium assistance, while we have joint partnership in the investment of 85% of the sum. If you have accepted to assist me, urgently contact me for more detail to proceed on this business without delays (I hope you have more than four days.).

"Thank you and remain bless."

My question is: Should I go on a spending spree now, or wait till she relocates?

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Gee golly whiz! I never knew flashers could be good for us. But it's true. Go see the lady get her purse back, here.

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My favorite phrase today is show and tell. N., is not always a child's game. Def.: What we don't do unless we're in Vegas.

Snatched From Babes' Mouths

Time for some cuteness:

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

Steven, 3, hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

Brittany, 4, had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

Marc, 4, was engrossed by a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

James, 4, was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Susan, 5, was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

Tammy, 4, was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

Debra, 5, was in church with her mother. The minister was speaking: "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust." Debra leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill five-year-old voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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Sometimes a copy machine can be a smartass. Go here to see.

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My favorite word today is Windows. N., when XP transmorgrifies into Vista. Def.: What to shut when it's cold outside.

He Laughed, But Not Like a Hyena Would

Here's a headline from my computer's Home Page: "Cancer Care Seeks to Take Patients Beyond Survival." Some cure; beyond survival is dead.

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Recently the Washington Post asked its readers to come up with amusing analogies:

"His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks."

"His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he ges hit with the automatic external defibrillators."

"As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps."

"There was something about him that just screamed money, as if he'd trained a myna bird to fly around him screaming "money."

"She was jumping up and down laughing hysterically, like a hyena duct-taped to a kangaroo."

"His mustache looked like a fuzzy caterpillar seeking shade under a big nose."

"The news hit hard, like a stack of Washington Posts thrown from a moving truck -- in fact exactly like that."

"Her pushed-up cleavage reminded him of two Charlie Brown heads."

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Want to see a great fake-out move? Go here.

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Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup, $150 for a cut and curl, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes, and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed these things to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

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My favorite word today is yawn. N., been there, done that. Def.: Technical name for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making of a porno film.

Things Are Beginning to Not Make Sense

This clipping (you will need to click on it to make it bigger) is apropos of something: My girl friend, former wife Scamp. See, we have His and Her TVs, so she came roaring in from visiting Hers.

"Gene, Gene, you missed this!" she emphatically announced. "They've found (this is the ubiquitous 'they') that Viagra will reduce jet lag 40 percent. They checked hamsters for this and it's true. I wonder where they got the hamsters?" (Ans: See the news clip above.)

Not finished, she announces "Oh, that reminds me. There is this guy (the ubiquitous guy) who has spent 20 years training mice to ride surfboards. He makes waves in this little tank about 12 inches deep and they ride and ride, all day."

"What," I ask, "does this scientist hope to prove?"

"Prove?" Scamp asks. "Isn't it obvious? Mice can ride surfboards. Boy, you are thick."

She turns to go, but rebounds. "One other thing. Somebody had some rats in a lab and when the testing was done they had all these rats left over and didn't know what to do with them."

"So," I said, "probably they drowned them. That's a pretty nice way to go, I'm told."

"Oh, no. Don't be silly," she said. "There was this lady (ubiquitous, again) who knew all about rats and she took them home and they run all over the house. She even sleeps with them."

"Is that it?" I asked. "Can I now watch the rest of the ball game?"

"So watch," she responded. "I guess you don't want to know about what happens when she feeds them some Viagra."

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My favorite word today is commencemint. N., who was summa cum lousy? Def.: An event at which green creme de menthe is served.

Over the Mountain and Far Away

Last weekend (5/18-20) Scamp and I headed over the Cascade Mountains to Bend (165 m.) to see Dick (bro) and Ann (SIL). And we (8) good, and downed lots of (xxx).

Okay, enough of that. While there my bro (Dick) showed me this benchmark he lifted when the Pilot Butte Inn was torn down about 100 years ago (25?). I don't know if you can read it, but it says you get fined $250 or go to jail (imprisonment) if you move this thing. My brother has moved it lots since he rescued it from the second concrete step of the Pilot Butte Inn. I think it's okay to tell you about this, 'cause I know you wouldn't tell nobody.

This marker says the elevation of Bend at that point is 3,628 feet. Of course, it's not there anymore, so I don't know what its present elevation is.

By the way, the purpose of this benchmark is to be a benchmark. It helps them know where to put the other benches.

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When did I last show you Ellen DeGeneres chasing a ball? I think it was....No, wait. It was Ellen DeGeneres showing a dog chasing a ball, that's what it was. Pretty funny, too, so go here to see that.

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You know I am a word freak, for I wrote a post just a few days ago saying I am a word freak. I read this lately: "During World War II an English lady invited three Polish flyers from the nearby RAF aerodrome over for tea. She asked the first officer if he was married. When he replied affirmatively, she asked if they had any children. 'No, we cannot; my wife is impregnable.' The second officer said, 'No, his English is not so good. He means his wife is unbearable.' The third officer said, 'No, no. Both English no good. He means his wife is inconceivable.'"

And this: "Last night at Carnegie Hall, the Prague String Quartet played Mozart. Mozart lost."

Which reminded me of a review I wrote of a play during my newspaper days. The play was, as I recall, "The Time of Your Life." My review: "It wasn't."

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My favorite word today is pithy. N., meat of the coconut. Def.: How the harelip describes my b**g.

The Three Damn Bears

I see an ad in my comments section (put there by Google) for horsetail. So I clicked on it and eventually discovered that horsetail is, in one life, at least, a physical exfoliation. Hah! I think I will sell this stuff as an alternative to bikini wax. Clean up your entire hoo ha for pennies a few bucks a crack.

(Hoo ha again! I said crack!! Start saving. I'll put up an order form when I figure out how much I need to take a spaceship to someplace like Andromeda.)

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So, when you get to be middle-aged, you want to stay home, which these middle-aged women did not.

(Did I get this from you, Marti? If so, thankee.)

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Four hundred years ago, English-speaking immigrants slipped into Jamestown, Va. When will America start getting serious about protecting its borders?

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So Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Then Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

"For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

"It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mommy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who swept the kitchen. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mommy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mommy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their water and refilled their water bowls.

"And now you have decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mommy Bear with your grumpy presence. Listen carefully, for I am only going to say this once --

"I haven't made any f*****g porridge yet!!"

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My favorite word today is disgust. N., you cramp my style. Def.: Criticizing strong winds.

On the Wings of a Dove

MizMell has tagged me with a meme. You know how I am about memes -- I ace 'em, that's what I do. That's because they is all about me, and I know more about me than you do.

So what this is, is I am supposed to write 8, or 5, true-or-false, stranger than fiction, oddball things about me. MizMell wrote 8, and found it was pretty hard, and so is 5. I might do 3. I might just do one and you can imagine the rest.

1. I am a bird freak. I go pretty far to see birds. I have been to three bird refuges since moving to Wilsonville. At the last one they had dog/pony show with a bald-headed eagle, a California vulture, a great horny owl and a macaw that got too big for its britches. Meanwhiles, I bought expensive binoculars which are the greatest thing since beached whale. See, they're 10x30, which makes them hard to hold on a bird. But they got this red button you press and everything in the view becomes stable. Great scott it is good.

2. I am a word freak. I guess it comes from years of reading the dictionary, the Bible and the encylopedia. None of which I've ever finished. The dictionary and encyclopedia had all the seamy stuff. For instance, when I read my local weekly it reports on thefts (bicycles, laptops, cameras, etc.) and then usually closes by saying, after police failed to find anything, "It was gone." The last issue of the paper had 11 "it was gone"s. I also have corrected spelling for some of you, so that makes me really freaky. I should keep my big nose out of your nose.

3. I have a big nose. This is not for sticking into your business; it is for wearing on my face. I think I read somewhere that when you die your ears and nose keep on growing for awhile. Might not be possible for me; the way things are going my ears are going to overlap my nose any minute now. My nose has got a lot of broken blood vessels in it, so I asked a hot-shot dermatologist if he could use a hot laser and make me pretty again. He said, "Nah." Shit.

4. My damn hip hurts. For the last year or so I have had a bad right hip. So I have had two epidurals, heat packs, cold packs, cold laser and now a steroid shot. As so many of you know, having constant pain is not the road to a fun life. I have not mentioned this before because I know how much you want me to be perfect. Well, just because my hip hurts I'm still better off than you. I have low blood pressure.

5. I care about politics. But I have not burdened you with it. There are lots of b**ggers who write about politics; for some of them, that's ALL they write about. I do have an Obama sticker on my b**g, but that's just so you who are supporting somebody else will not bother me with it. And I do post a riposte at the expense of George W. occasionally. But doesn't everybody? The reason I don't write about politics is because even if could convince you that you need to shape up and fly right, I wouldn't be able to mark your ballot for you. Scientists would say that is "too bad".

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My favorite word today is meme. N., a cultural for cults. Def.: The answer to: "Who was first in line?"

As Mortimore Snerd Would Say

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to perform at a West Virginia inn. He's going through his usual run of stupid jokes when a guy in the audience stands on his chair and says, "I've heard enough of your denigrating West Virginia jokes."

He continues to berate the ventriloquist. "What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected nationwide, because you continue to perpetuate discrimination against West Virginia, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the berater pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

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Two blonde girls are working for the City Public Works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But, today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

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My favorite phrase today is hard drive. N., better use Google. Def.: Getting home in the wintertime.

No, It Wasn't the Dog Food

When a mechanic works hard, he can pay his bills and feed his kids, no?

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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in this line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.....

Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby, so I told her:

"No," I said. "I am starting the Purina diet once again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time -- although I had lost about 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."

While her eyes began to bulge out of her head, I went on. "Actually, the Purina diet is really inexpensive. What you do is you load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package says the food is nutritionally complete, so I am going to try it again."

Horrified, she found her voice. "Did something in the dog food poison you and that's why you landed in the hospital?"

I said, "No. I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

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So a woman goes to the medical office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An old doctor found her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 and she has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and, without looking up, said "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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My favorite phrase today is log on. V., one of them nautical doohickeys. Def.: Making the stove hotter.

The Animal Who Went Crackers

Here's a short test for all you smart people:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Ans.: The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?

Ans.: Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door? Wrong answer. The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussion of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Ans.: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, if you're not doing too well on this, you have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Ans.: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

(According to a consulting firm, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. This conclusively proves the theory that most professionals don't have the brains of a 4-year-old.)

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My favorite word today is chip. N., off the old block. Def.: A pasture muffin you try not to step on.

What Typecast Is Jesus?

Just because I say God doesn't exist doesn't mean I have turned my back on Jesus. No, nevermore. Jesus was a hell of a carpenter and a fisherman and he knew something about oenology, too. Well-rounded guy. So consider this:

1. There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
He called everyone brother.
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.

2. But, then, there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

3. Then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with his meals.
He used olive oil.

4. And then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.

5. But maybe he was an American Indian:
He was at peace with nature.
He ate a lot of fish.
He talked about the Great Spirit.

6. Then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

7. But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was work to do.

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The phone rings at this hotel where a West Virginian is at the helm.

"I wanted to ask you something," said the caller. "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well," says WVa, "six of them are appointed west, and the rest are appointed east."

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My favorite phrase today is mouse pad. N., what if it was a real mouse? Def.: Hippie talk for where a mouse lives.

Think on This

Let's see....Should I get a dog...



Or adopt a couple of kids?



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This blonde (of course!) walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

Another blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special cruise. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first student asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

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This guy goes to visit his doctor and says, "Doctor, my arm hurts real bad. Can you check it out, please?"

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk: "Hello, Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty dollars? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha, I see the problem! Your arm is broke."

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My favorite word today is cache. N., where Adm. Scott left some frozen seal. Def.: What you need when you run out of food stamps.

Suddenly, She Felt the Stupids Coming On

You know what happens on the first of the month, right? It's when we run a picture of a bunny and say "Rabbit! Rabbit!" Then we have good luck all month long. If you don't do this, you might get eaten by a dog.

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The first of the month is also when we announce who is our poifect posterino (Perfect Poster to you people who didn't grow up in New Joisey). Perfect Post is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. They host all the monthly winners so we (you and me, bub) can honor them all with a visit.

My winner is Stacie, who has this pronounciation affliction. Please read this post and come back and tell me how belly-laughed you got.

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Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore at breakneck speed?

I'm a firm believer that animals -- and especially dogs -- have keen insights into the Truth. And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right...when impending doom is upon us...



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My favorite word today is wacked. N., loose as a goose. Def.: The final state of mind of Dubya just before the keepers come to take him to the home.