Reach Out and Touch Someone

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, this person's condition touched my heart.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long-ago Parochial School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out! Reach out!"












And so I did. I will not be in church this week.



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My favorite word today is dust. N., ashes to ashes, butt to butt? Def.: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

He Has It Backwards

The singer and professional bad boy Tupac Shakur has this to say:

"My only fear of death is reincarnation."

Well, if I were him, I'd be feared of it too. Nobody wants to see Tupac coming around again. But since I'm me, and not him, my only fear of death is that the local Reincarnation Man hasn't paid his dues and might not have the oomph to turn me into a dung beetle, or Clark Gable, whichever comes first.

Anyway, I know you will be glad to see me, again.

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If you have about 8 minutes to spare, take a gander at this Lion Hunt. In this clip, lions haul down a water buffalo, a crocodile gets into the act, then....Well, go look.

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Here’s a lift from Garrison Keillor, writing about Bush visiting the site of the downed Minneapolis bridge: “The Current Occupant came to view the wreckage and to express, in that intense and aimless way of his, his hopes for a better life for us. And then, having raised our hopes, he did not resign from office after all.”

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I have added to my B**groll lately some nature freaks lovers who are pretty masterful with the camera. A super-duper flickster is Paddle Tales. Here's a swell picture she recently posted after kayaking in Florida.

Two others: Piney Flatwoods Girl and The Birdman. Both also are nifty with the Sony.

Then there is a humorist, Badabing. He is weird funny, like me.

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My favorite word today is egotist. N., which came first, the chicken or the ego? Def.: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

1, 2, 3, 4; What the Heck Am I B**gging For?

Two gems from my buddy, Paul Nichols:

Lawyer to witness: "All your responses have to be oral, okay? So, where did you go to school?"

Witness: "Oral."

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Harry praised Big Ernie for letting him die peacefully, not like those screaming passengers in the rear seat.

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Sam the Bellhop was a merry old soul. He has this tale of the cards that is hard to fathom. At least, he unfathomed me. Go take a peek.

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A prize-winner in the Bulwer-Lytton contest (an award for the worst start to a novel):

"A par on the first hole would clinch the U.S. Open for the in-form Tiger Woods but, in truth, this mattered little to Herbert Cruddle as a gigantic wave swept him over the side of the floundering shrimp trawler."

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I had the toughest time of my life when I was a senior in high school. First I got angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and appendicitis, followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. Then, I don't know, there was diabetes, rheumatism and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. Just let me tell you it was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

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My favorite word today (via Miss Cellania) is skeptic tank. N., sort of like a swimming pool. Def.: A militarized army vehicle filled with disbelievers.

At Last! A Tomato By Any Other Name Would Soothe the Savage

Okay, Mizmell. You don't have Ol' Hoss to kick around any more.

Witness: CHERRY AND PEAR TOMATOES, grown by hand. I know, I know, you had tomatoes over a month ago, way ahead of Ol' Hoss, because you live in a greenhouse. But did you have Salmon in Sensei Sauce, accompanied by These Very Same Tomatoes, Kohlrabi, Lemon Cucumber and Corn on Le Cob? And the vino? Anyway, this was lunch. Which I munched.

Oh, anyone? I got zucchini, too, if you want some. Don't all speak up at once.

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You know you're watching a bad movie when it's showing on an airplane and you STILL think about walking out.

You know you're watching a bad movie when there's a crying baby in the audience who is more interesting than the film.

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A widowed lady was sunbathing on a Florida beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach," she continued. "Do you come here often?"

"First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied, and returned to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely. Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, "over in Boca Raton."

Still trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted: "Sir, do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped on her, pulled off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate time of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

"And I'd like to know how you knew my name was Katz."

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My favorite word today is inflation. N., higher and higher, never lower and lower. Def.: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

I Swiped a Meme

My friend Jana did this meme and said anybody could do it. (Ho! I am waiting for the Cavemen!)

She didn't say I HAD to do it. As a matter of fact, she didn't say diddly squat, as I recall. But, you know Jana....

So here's this meme:

Two Names You Go By
1. Hoss
2. Gene. 3. Lowell. 4. Slats. 5. Clark Gable

Two Things You Are Wearing
1. Slippers
2. Bling

Two Things You Want Badly
1. Walnettos
2. Gimme a pack of Pepsin Chewing Gum please

Two Pets You Have
1. I don't have any pets
2. I don't have any pets

Two Things You Did Last Night
Hoo boy, now we're getting somewhere. Let's see.....
1. She had a headache
2. I slept on the couch

Two Things You Will Do Tonight
1. Be armed with headache medicine
2. Sleep on the couch

Two Favorite Holidays
1. Labor Day, when we give thanks for The Beer
2. Thanksgiving, when we drink The Beer
(I don't know; this could be vicee versa.)

Two Things You Can't Live Without
1. Air
2. Water
(3. I need food too. Eventually. How come I have to think of everything?)

Two Favorite Numbers
1. I'm not telling
2. If I told, you would know how to get into my bank account and I don't want you to know how tall short My Pile is.

Two Favorite Sports
1. I dressed in drag and was a hit at the Blogher Convention
2. No I didn't

Two Good Drinks
1. BourbonVodkaScotchRumBeerB&Band.....
2. See above

Two TV Shows You Like
1. None
2. Less than that

Two Favorite Foods
1. Marijuana milkshake
2. Milkshake marijuana

Two Favorite Passions in Your Life
1. Dung beetles
2. Making My Pile

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My favorite word today is tomorrow. N., manana and so forth. Def.: The greatest labor saving device of today.

Farmers and Professors Know Best

These tape worms you wanna buy? Please specify whether you want them packed in oil, or water.

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I don't think I have told you about this book I have been reading, called "Oregon Desert." It's written by a desert rat, Reub Long, and an Oregon State University professor, E.R. Jackman. Jackman is not funny, but Long is.

He writes: "Juniper posts have been known to wear out three sets of postholes."

"They say it's too frosty here for watermelons, but I got some that grow so fast the frost can't catch 'em. They ain't practical, though -- them vines just spread so fast that the friction from the sand grains wears the melons out. They get drug to death."

"He hates water as much as the grimiest small boy, who has been defined as a loud noise entirely surrounded by dirt."

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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for half an hour.

Then this big, trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said, "Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing.

"I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I discovered that I had left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...."

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My favorite word today is skeleton. N., ankle bone connected to the knee bone... Def.: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Rabbits and Poifect Poisters

Rabbit! Rabbit!

This is what you say at the first of each month if you want to have good luck. And am I ever having good luck. Nobody has stolen my identity this year, and all of Nigeria seems to have lost my email address.

The rabbit is mine. Or, rather, Scamp's. I hung him on a shelf and made this fine picture, just for you. I am good that way.

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And the first of the month is also when we name people who done good in B**gland. My Perfect Post award goes to Pointmeister Dave for his "new" rendition of various books and movies. It's a reprise to which he has added new stuff. You rock, Dave.

Poifect Posting is the dreamchild of Momma K and Lucinda, who are pretty perfect themselves.

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Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother there was nothing they could do. He would just have to live with it.

The years passed, and they were hard for the boy, as everyone who saw the screw made fun of him. Then one day when he was fully grown, a mysterious stranger told him that a swami in Tibet could get rid of the screw for him. The next day the man took his life's savings and bought a ticket for Tibet.

When he arrived, he was told to sleep in a room at the top of the mountain. While he slept, a purple fog floated in through an open window bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver had been used to remove the golden screw, and then it had floated out the window.

The next morning, the man noticed the screw lying beside his bed. Gently, he reached to his navel and discovered that, indeed, the screw was gone.

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

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My favorite word today is mosquito. N., cursed, wretched bug. Def.: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Music Hath Charms and Walnettos

It turns out that I have quite a musical bent. My mother never mentioned it, but it is just a terrific gift. I can play any song ever written after hearing it just once or twice. Probably I will be on You Tube soon.

The thing is, this got me to thinking about a way to Make My Pile. Which I haven't done much of lately. But this seems like a real prize-winner. See, what I can do is advertise to sell lessons for, maybe, $50 or $250 a pop, and in no time at all I will have my reincarnation fees covered. (They say Big Ernie don't take checks.)

So, if you are interested in learning how to play a musical instrument, let me know and I will let you in on the ground floor for $49, or $249, a pop, whichever seems right to you. So let me know when you get your kazoo, and we will get right into training you.

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Probably you didn't also know that I am quite the gardener. A regular Jolly Green Thumb am I. But, foolishly, I made a bet with Miz Mell about who would have the first tomato. This was foolish because, as I later discovered, I live in growing season #7, and she lives in a hot house. So she has had lots of tomatoes while I am still waiting for just one of my babies to turn red.

I also planted some Giant Pumpkins, which will grow like Jack's Beanstalk. Funny thing, that. I hate pumpkin pie.

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My favorite word today is reintarnation. N., y'all come back, ya hear? Def.: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

A Traveling We Will Go....

A couple days ago, Scamp and I went motoring (heh. how the British speak) westward to a place called Butteville, which is pretty close to Champoeg, which is where Oregon was born. (Are you keeping up?) I didn't get any pictures of Buttville (cq) for I had no camera. But I did get an ice cream cone. And on returning home, I got THIS picture, from our very own garden.

Stargazer, who b**gs under that name and also as my buddy Teacher Woman, will love this. For her stargazers were a bust this year. Not ours. Our stargazer plant is healthy, and it is pretty because I said so.

So, about Champoeg. Many years ago (around 158 years, or so), a bunch of free white men (that's a slur) got together in a field at Champoeg, and one of them says, "Who's for a divide?" So they did -- one side for joining the United States, and one side for joining....wait for it....FRANCE!! As you might expect, France did not win.

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Some preacher is appearing in Portland who claims you don't need to be worried about going to Heaven, because everybody is. He has this weird claim that it doesn't matter if you're saved, just as long as you believe IN HIM!! I love this, for it means we atheists skate. Muslims, too, for all that means.....

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If God has no home address, is he homeless?

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Strange facts: In Romania, a convicted murderer sued God. Pavel Mircea, who is serving 20 years, filed suit against God two years ago for not protecting him from "evils." Mircea also wanted financial compensation for all the money he spent on candles and church services that he claims did not help him, either.

Unfortunately, it looks bad for God, for no lawyers have ever made it to Heaven.

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My favorite word today is Frisbeetarianism. N., sail me on a slow boat to China. Def.: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Words From My New Buddy

One of my new buddies is a guy named Paul Nichols, who is funny and also hip. The other day he said I complimented him -- and I think what that means is that I stole from him. But I sometimes don't give credit cause I forget where I get these things. However, THIS one I didn't forget, for it comes straight from Paul:

"I just learned that when Adam woke up from a deep, deep sleep he discovered a new, beautiful, two-legged creature over in the meadow. 'What the...?' he wondered. The Lord suggested that Adam go check it out. So Adam went over to see the beautiful new creature. A few minutes later he hurried back and breathlessly asked the Lord, 'What's a headache?'"

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all conversing one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

And the Hunchback said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They all then decided to go to the library and look into the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty read the book first, and said, "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and was triumphant. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Then the Hunchback checks out his credentials in the book. He emerges looking utterly confused. He asks, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

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My favorite word today is personality. N., don't mess with Mr. In-Between. Def.: What lawyers use for birth control.

Lady Uterus Have Two Part

Before we get into the bit that matches the title, we have to go visit Monty, who is a b**gging fiend. Pretty soon she is going to put up a post on her site
every 30 minutes, for 24 hours. It's in the way of a fund-raiser for Cerebral Palsy research.

You go over there (PLEASE) and pledge anything from $1 (if you're really that skimpy) on up to several quintillion dollars; whatever you got on you and that you won't miss. We (her b**gger friends) have so far pledged over $500, which entitles us to an online song from Monty. And a second song will forthcome when she gets to $700.

This is a good cause, folks, so please dive in.

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Here's from the marquee on the church down the road:

"Exposure to the Son may prevent burning."

Twisted, huh?

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Okay, about the title: Kristi, a b**gger ("Here in Idaho") acquaintance of mine, listed some searches that had gotten to her b**g. Here's what the search question inquired:

"how many of part of lady uterus"

Idaho's answer: "Lady Uterus have two part: the woo-woo and hoo-hah."

Ho ho har de har har, Hoss chortled.

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You ain't seen nothing till you seen this Bush boy.

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My favorite word today is lymph. N., I'm so gland to see you. Def.: To walk with a lisp.

A Tisket, Etc.

This here is my non-Indian basket, made by my new friend, Leslie.

You think this is easy? Ho. She has to go out in the spring, in Alaska, to find just the right tree that got its sap goin' mile a minute. Then she gotta trim and slice and organize big pieces into little pieces.

Then she has to decide whether she wants to spend the next several days (weeks?) making a basket for Ol' Hoss. Which she did. And I treasure this mightily, so I had to show it off.

Hoss is blessed.

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Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System:

OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence:

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

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George moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it to her.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A week later he receives a letter from his grandmother, which says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle.....it makes your nose look too short."

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(The last 2/3rds of this is from my sis, Tan Lucy Pez. I told her I wouldn't tell, though, so please button up.)

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My favorite word today is glibido. N., exercises for the tongue. Def.: All talk and no action.

I Told You This Would Be Easy

One thing I forgot to mention when I said b**gging is easy: You will need a big dictionary. Unabridged size. Whopper. This is one you do not stand on to look in the neighbor lady's bedroom. This one is for real and cool and all like that.

Now then, once you got your dictionary, you set it beside your computer, because that's where the words come from that you will need to make a b**g post. So, what you do then, is you select from your dictionary, say, 800 words of various leanings and put 'em in your b**g. (If you're stuck for a headline, gimme a heads up. I can handle that. For instance, here's an all-purpose headline: Eeny Meeny Meiny Schmo. No charge.)

The tricky part is knowing just which words to select from your dictionary. For instance, if you select "dung beetles," but your b**g is about your child's birthday party, you probably can't work that in. Unless, of course, you are having a picnic in Africa, somewhere around where the elephants go long. Also, you do not want to select the word "reproduction" unless you are writing a "birds and bees" post.

But there are plenty of other words you CAN select. For instance, this post is full of them.

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This is not funny. It is simply one of my favorite songs, from Speedy.

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I've been meaning to tell you. I know a whole lot of uses for lemon and vinegar. Unfortunately, I've never been confronted with a situation where this known-it-all would be useful. So I think I will work on remembering some off-beat uses for duct tape, WD40, and Phillips Milk of Magnesia.

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My favorite word today is caterpallor. N., Crayola's finest. Def.: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Look for Me on Your Dresser

Something I wrote recently has come back to give me a reminder. It said, "I am not going to live forever...." Pretty deep, huh? And for a guy who don't believe in the God thing, its also pretty bleak.

Well, it would be bleak for some people, but not me. As you know, I plan to reincarnate; the only thing is I can't make up my mind as to what to reincarnate as (or to?). But my mind, ever working working working, has come up with this: Why don't I just reincarnate as something you treasure? See, I don't think there's any limit about the number of reincarnations you can have, so I guess I can come back as your childhood shoes, your dog, your brooch hubby gave you, the smile your wife gave you, your cat, your car, anything you really like.

And I will like you back.

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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin, and truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers under the sheet as her husband undresses in the dark.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly.

A thoughtful silence ensues and he waits patiently. She eventually whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls....Numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks her:

"You want....Garlic Chicken wiff Corrifrowa?"

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My favorite word today is bozone. N., just this side of the Milk Way. Def.: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Hoss Changes the Pace

The other day one of my grandkids asked how I felt about being old. It's an interesting question, don't you think?

Growing older, I decided, is something of a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize for long.

As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I don't chide myself for not making my bed or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but that looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many friends leave this world too soon -- before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until midnight, and then sleep till ---? I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or when you have to put down a beloved pet? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

As you get older it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've earned the right to be wrong.

So I like being older. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be.

Live simply. Live generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And adhere to the golden rule: So it goes.*

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My favorite phrase today is steel wool. N., I wish I had hair like that. Def.: A group loofah for masochists.

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(Most of this I didn't write. I don't know who did, either. But it's still pretty good.)

That a Shriner Hat?

My pal Sudiegirl said I had to put this picture on my b**g. Well, maybe it wasn't Sudie. Maybe it was her cat, Chelmsford, who guest posted for Sudie and instructed: "You needs put picture in post too so everybody can see how bee-yoo-tee-ful it is. Dat way you share dee luv." (Her cat apparently is two ticks short of a minute.)

What the cat (?) wants to know is where I would put this monkey in my house if I had it. I am happy to oblige.

1. First I would see how well it fits in my garbage can.

2. Or, I would put it on the patio to scare the starlings away.

3. Or, I would put it on the front porch to scare vacuum cleaner salespersons away.

4. Or, best of all, I would convert it into a pinata, and give the illegal immigrants some punchbag time.

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Go here to see what lengths some guys will go to catch a ride.

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Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

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My favorite word today is ohnosecond. N., only takes a minute. Def.: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG error. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake.)

Here (at last) Is That Meme, Margaret

A long time ago (May 18 to be exact) the Teacher Woman, a.k.a. Margaret, laid a meme on me. This is because I am the best memer ever lived and it is a wonder I don't get 2-3 million hits on it but that's the way it goes and so it goes. I guess scientists would say that is "too bad."

But I will try to save some space in the Comments section for you, as you is my best buddies and huggers for which I appreciate mightily. Anyway, here is this here meme:

What are you most proud of?
I guess you could say that I am proud of having outlived two-thirds of the members of my high school graduating class. And I'm still picking them off, day by day. Purty soon I will be the last one standing, and then I will vote myself most likely to succeed.

On the other hand, I am utmost proud of being one of the leaders of the campaign to fluoridate the water in Salem, Oregon. This was a long time ago, and we got it done via ballot measure. So now all the little knee biters born in Salem have me to thank for the fact that they can bite my shorts.

Who is the least qualified candidate for President, and why?
Fifty-two percent of the people say they wouldn't vote for Hillary no matter what, so I guess unelectability is a pretty good reason. There are other reasons, too, like getting elected senator from New York when your hometown is Hope, Ark. And her failure to get a health program going. And that her husband is Slick Willy. And that she stole all the White House china when Mr. Slick left office. But I guess the worst of all is that she's got fat calves. Nobody wants a misshapen President.

What book or movie changed your life?
I am sure that it was Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, the one that's about 6 inches thick. See, when I was a little guy I couldn't see over the fence between us and the neighbor lady. But I got a little help from my friend -- the dictionary. By standing on it I could see over the fence straight into her bedroom. Hoo boy, what a education I got....

What made you decide to start b**gging?
Egotism, plain and simple. Now, of course, I do it because you all would go nuts if I didn't put a piece on here now and then. I have a big investment in your laugh wrinkles.

What is your favorite drink, non-alcoholic or alcoholic?
Did I tell you I was once a member of Alcoholics Anonymous? My kidney is still full of coffee. But I got over that and now I drink vodka, although sometimes I switch to bourbon, and occasionally get a hankerin' for Glenfiddich, and then, of course, there's your B&B. I'll let you pick my favorite, as long as it's at least 80 proof.

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My favorite word today is karmageddon. N., one of those ooommm things. Def.: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

The Kidney Thing Makes Beans

Have you noticed lately that gas prices are coming down? Big deal. Don't you remember when we thought $2 a gallon was outrageous? I hate being conditioned like this.....

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Okay, explain this.

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Somebody (my local newspaper?) listed some statements made by school students that lent themselves to frivolity. For instance:

Q. Name the four seasons
Ans. Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O and U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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My favorite phrase today is salmon day. N., three little fishies swam over the dam, boop boop... Def.: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

I Am Not Wholly Pure

I forgot that today is the Fourth of July, so I failed to ask you to send me some illegal fireworks. Rats. Well, just send me the money, instead.

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The reason I didn't get a G rating was because they detected I had used the word "shit" and the word "pooh." Guard your kiddies' ears, dudes and dudesses.

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There are two basic types of Yoga. One requires much practice, patience and discipline. Here is Yoga from India, the kind that my friend Bonnie enjoys.

The second kind of Yoga, not so much. Below is Yoga from Ireland.



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Consider:

1. When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

2. They keep talking about the Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Under the new Supreme Court, we are not using it.

3. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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My favorite word today is assmosis. N., seeping through the rye. Def.: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Vicki Makes Perfect Posts and Cookies

This is a sort of rabbit, which is good enough to get the job done: Say Rabbit Rabbit! and display a rabbit picture early in the month and have luck for 30 days hath September, April, June and November, all the rest have 31, save that stupid February.... The Pez Family does this, and I do it too, having caught on that my horseshoe was nailed wrongside up.

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The first (or second, depending upon how Sunday falls) is also the day when a whole passel of us announce the winner of our Perfect Post. This was invented, as you know, by Momma K and Lucinda so we could honor good readin' and writin', mostly writin'.

My Perfect Post goes to my pal, Vicki, for her post about husband Rich's discovery of the trash compactor. And if that wasn't enough, she also threw in her recipe for "Better Than Sex Molasses Cookies." Go enjoy.

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I rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin' dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Which one ARE you, then?"

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My favorite phrase today is percussive maintenance. N., what Ringo does. The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

And I'm Betting on Pluto to Win

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in South Korea).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), Joe sat down at his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could afford to spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in Indonesia), he got in his car (made in Germany), filled it with gas (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying job.

It seemed fruitless, so he decided to relax. Joe put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), turned on his TV (made in Myanmar) and wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in America.

(No shit, Sherlock?)

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Midlife has started when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. ~Miss Cellania.

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My favorite phrase today is laughing stock. N., use a feather on 'im, Grampa! Def.: What you call cattle with a sense of humor.

Single-Sitting Smorgasbord*

Two days ago was my 700th post. Hot damn. And I got at least two more in me.

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Smarts. That's what that does.

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Holey Moley! Let's go fishing in the flight path.

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All the problems we face in the U.S. today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. ~Pat Paulsen

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Where you work ought to say something about what you do in life. For instance, in Grapevine, Texas, you wanna be a gossip columnist. And in Fairbanks, Alaska, you wanna be a loan officer.

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The other day, Karen, of Jersey Tomatas, called me a "mensch". I was all ready to feel insulted, of course (you know how I can get in an instant umbrage), but I held my fire and probed deeplier. She did this in the course of lifting from my b**g, when she asked her readers to check me out. "Now I know," she wrote, "where all the mensches went."

Later on she offered this: "For those who need it, a mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being 'a real mensch' is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous."

I ain't taking none of this to my head. But I do love being decorated.

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Whatta you suppose got into Pinky, who was this animal farm's Cat of the Week? I think he is blowing his chances of getting adopted. Go here, to where it hurts.

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., hits me right where it itches. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles (American Idol, Paris Hilton) that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

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(* I don't know what this means, either. But it has a nice zing to it.)

Everybody Can Have a Bad Day

Yes, I mean everybody. Some of us seem to have more bad days than others, though. Take, for instance, ol' Dubya.

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I am told that this makes your computer run faster. I wouldn't know: I don't have a dog.

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A b**g buddy of mine last posted in January. I have been checking on her site almost every day, religious-like. Finally I got an email saying she's back in business. If you know her, you know her as The Purple Lady. If you would like to visit and re-up with her, she's J & J's Mom.

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Here's something I stole from Miss Cellania, who stole it from somebody else. It's pretty cute:

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Crosus replied: "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

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My favorite word today is generica. N., just things, in general. Def.: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

On the River Kauai

The Washington Post recently asked readers to merge two or more companies or products into a new firm or product. Here are some:

"Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips"

"Hair Club for Men and Brunswick Billiards merge to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees"

"Bridgestone tires, Honda motors, River Island clothing and Kauai coffee merge and become BridgeHondaRiverKauai"

"DeBeers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire merge into DeBeersIndyFridge"

"Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers merge and become PolyWarnerCracker"

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Several surgeons are discussing which kind of person they prefer to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "But you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

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My favorite word today is examination. N., what is the passing grade? Def.: Trying to determine whether the hair clinging to the bathtub overflow is yours, or his.

Writing a B**g Is Easy. Sure It Is.

Talk about futility. Somebody wrote 101 ideas for a b**g, and left poor Sudiegirl to show it to us. I think whoever wrote that list was desperate indeed. For instance, here are some of the ideas:

"Make a post that is inspirational." (Lots of opportunity here -- Mother's Day, Flag Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, your birthday, your Mom's birthday.... Do this some day when you're feeling inspired. Ho ho.)

"Write a funny post." (Holy shit!! You just sit right down there and be funny. Really easy, pal.)

"Create a huge list of your best posts." (But what if all of them are pretty crappy?)

"Post a picture that speaks 1,000 words." (And then write 1,000 words explaining your lens stop.)

"Create a post that incorporates the words 'desperate' and 'futile.'" (Been there; done that.)

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Speaking of inspirational, go check out Great Britain's version of American Idol. Winner of their most recent competition sings opera for Christ's sake! You would have voted for him too. For a peek, please visit Paul Potts. And if you liked that performance of his in the semifinal, which you did, you can catch him in the finals at Britain's Got Talent. Simon Cowell fans can catch Simon being nice.

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A new study just released by the American Psychiatric Assocation is about women and how they feel about their butts.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their butt is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their butt is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

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A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty nice. Where'd you get him?"

"In France," the parrot says. "They've got millions of 'em."

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My favorite word today is artist. N., with both ears left. Def.: Someone who tends to give you the brush.

Of Course There's Something Wrong

Ma came in the house and yelled, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse." He says, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is! Now get out there and fix it!"

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse!" She replied, "Stick yer head in the hole." To which Pa responded, "I ain't stickin' my head in the hole." But she insists: "You gotta stick yer head in the hole to see what's wrong."

So now, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells to Ma, "There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse, I tell ya." "Now," she yells back, "take yer head outta the hole!"

Pat proceeds to back out of the hole, but then starts yellin', "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

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Big Ernie addresses Al Gore first. "Al, what do you believe?"

Gore replies: "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was Your will that I not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

Ernie thinks for a minute and says, "I admire your humility. Come sit at my left."

Big Ern then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe?"

Clinton replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

Ernie thinks this over, then says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come sit at my right."

And then Big Ernie calls on George W. Bush. "George, what do you believe?"

Bush says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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My favorite word today is intaxication. Adj., oh giddy hoo ho. Def.: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Sleepin' Wit Da Fishies

Here be some lovely pictures with odd quotes. Enjoy.










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My favorite word today is adult. N., one of those things that likes Hoss's b**g. Def.: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.

So Long, Baldie

The government today announced that it is changing the country's emblem from a Bald-Headed Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It does not eat carrion. They got Cheney for that.

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I have been much too nice to you women of late. Not that you don't deserve it, but still.... So, this little cartoon and this little story:A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife: "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer before it starts."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, and said, "Oh, shit. It started."

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My favorite word today is shuffle. Adj., "Walk like this." Def.: An awkward walk used by two people in a hurry accidentally getting into the same segment of a revolving door.

Oh, I Remember That One

At first, I thought this was a picture of the star of this piece, Jimmy Whetlip. But maybe it isn't...

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A b**gger friend of mine was doing some reminisce t'other day and had come across an old entry of mine which she thought was pretty good. And so it was:

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Jimmy Whetlip is sort of new here in The Manor of the Old Folks Bred, so I don't know much about him. I DO know he's one of those exacting kinds of guys -- you know, "My piece of pie is littler than his piece of pie." "My room is one square foot less than you advertised."

So it didn't surprise me none to see him parked at the gas pumps arguing with the attendant. I parked at another pump and went over to see what was the hassle.

Jimmy to the Attendant: "No, I want exact change."

Attendant: "I can't make exact change. The U.S. Mint did not make any mills yet."

Hoss: "Hi, Jimmy, S-up?"

Jimmy: "I drove in here and asked for exactly one gallon of gasoline, which costs $2.89 9/10. I am offering him full price when he can make change."

Hoss: "Uh, Jimmy, there ain't no one-mill coins.'

Jimmy: "Then how come they advertise in mills? Nine/tenths is nine mills. Ten mills is a penny. I want what's mine, and what I want is one mill in change. And I'm going to sit here till I get it."

Well, you know what happened after that. More of us came to realize he was In the Right, and we all ordered one gallon of gas, just on principle. So, at first there was a hot dog stand. Then a full-blown 7-11 store came in. Starbucks built on the corner, a bank came in, a bed and breakfast, GI Joe's with their sleeping bags, a mattress store, a dirty book store, hookers, drifters, crackheads and cops -- pretty soon it was just a normal American neighborhood.

My car's still down there. I notice the service station attendant is getting a little long in the tooth.

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My favorite word today is pomeranian. N., animal about the size of a rat. Def.: A small dog that resembles a throw rug and appears to be dead.

Please Send Raggedy Some Cheer

While I am not doing nuthin', I am substituting for my pal Raggedy, who is in a world of hurt with something they're calling "spinal headaches." She cannot sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time or she gets the excruciating kind of bad head. And I am not the only sub. So if you get a chance, run over there and see and leave a few kind words.

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A guy is driving around Tennessee (where also lives my buddy, Janie,) and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." So he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes there and sees a Labrador Retriever.

He asks the dog, "Do you talk?"

"Yes I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my government, so I told the CIA about my gift and, in no time, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

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My favorite word today is ant. N., nit one, purl two. Def.: A small insect, though always at work, that still finds time to go to picnics.

Time to Dry Up

You know about WD-40, right? The Duct Tape of the shiny world? Here's one thing I didn't know:

"Keeps flies off cows." (Now all I need is a cow. And a tube of WD-40, I guess.)

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Two days of 86 degrees and it's not even July yet. So, topfive.com gives us some songs about global warming:

"I Want to Scald Your Land"

"The Ballad of George and Kyoto"

"Dry Me a River"

"(I Can't Get No) Fridgeration"

"Brown, Brown Grass of Home"

"Fry Like an Eagle"

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So this guy fills his car with gas at a self-service station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

He thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road. He figured even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," the man thought. "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better, because it locks....."

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My favorite word today is port. N., surely this is about computers, right? Def.: Fancy schmancie Spanish wine.

Detoxifying the Mysteries

In my last post I appear to have mystified some of you. Frinstance, couple people said they had never heard of Walnettos (boo! hiss!). Here are a couple of pictures of a Walnetto in action and out of action. Picture on the left shows real Walnettos, which were chocolate covered caramels with crushed walnuts. (You can still get 'em. Just go Google.)

The picture on the right is from the old Rowan and Martin Laugh-in Comedy of sometime in the 1960's (maybe 70's?). The fella on the ground is Arte Johnson, who regularly would sidle up to Ruth Buzzi and say, "Want a walnetto?" She then would pummel Arte with her purse.

I hope you all got that straight. There will be a test next week.

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And I stuck some people with my thing-that's-shaped-sorta-like-a-pear-that's-green-inside-but-isn't-avocado. Surely I thought everyone knew that this is guacamole, which I could eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Vicki got it right and then wondered if maybe I mean guava jelly. C'mon, Vicki, be a princess. I don't know what guavas is (are?). Guacamole is made of mashed avocado, chopped green onion, chopped jalapeno and chopped tomatoes.

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Miz Mell wanted me to put up a picture of my tomatoes. This is because I challenged her to a tomato-growing contest. She has tomatoes bigger than a dinosaur coprolite. I am still waiting for my first tomato flower. Is it time for me to declare I won this contest? (How was I to know she lived in some damn hothouse?)

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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. The doctor says, "That looks nasty." "Nasty!" replies the man. "This is just the tip of the iceberg."

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My favorite word today is ptarmigan. N., what feeds foxes. Def.: A pkind of pbird.

Hoss Nails Another Meme

"
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." --
Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

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Acton Bell, she of the Pez Family, hit me with a meme (and for those of you not imbued with an implanted dictionary, a "meme" is "a unit of cultural information"). I will do it, but I will not ask anybody else to do it because after I am finished there will be nothing left to say.

What were you doing 10 years ago?" Now, right there is where Acton Bell has got it all wrong. You do not ever ask a guy who is 76 what he was doing when he was 66. You will not get any information, because the 76-year-old (me) is just likely to say, "Damned if I know. Same thing I was doing 20 years ago, I guess." So it goes.(Pushy broad.)

What were you doing 1 year ago? More history. Screw that.

What five snacks do you enjoy? Now we're in business. The best five snacks ever are Walnettos, Pork and Beans, Vienna Sausage, Red Hots, and that stuff you make out of the thing that sort of looks like pears but is soft and green inside whose name is not avocados. Don't attack this list in the comments. Old people know what's right.

Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. Ho ho har de har har. Chortle, giggle and gag. I know the lyrics to EXACTLY ONE song, and it is "Take an Old Cold Tater and Wait". You never heard of it. I do get a kick out of Kenny Rogers, though. Also Roy Rogers.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire. I hate you people who are holding me back. As long as you are giving me fictional money, make it a lot; something like 5 bazillion. Then I'd give it all to poor people so they can start over. In about 20 years, the rich people will have it, and the poor will be poor again. This is known as "the American Way."

Name your five worst habits. 1. Taking a meme hit from Acton Bell. Scientists say this is "too bad." 2. I dunno. 3. Hmmmm.... 4. This is really hard to do..... 5. Giving money to poor people.

Name five things you like doing. 1. I like it when you visit my b**g. Then I know you are still interested in educating yourself. 2. I like it when I visit your b**g. Then I see how much help you need. 3. Sleeping. 4. Getting up. 5. Booze-books-birds-travel-hugs from Scamp. (Did I mention sleeping and getting up?)

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My favorite word today is net. N., be sure to learn your Boy Scout knots. Holes tied together with string.

I Get the News When.....When I Can?

Okay, just....whoa!...easy now...damn that hurts....Quit pulling!.....WTF?..... Buttwipe...

See, what you do is, on the first of the month you run a picture of a rabbit in distress and all the month you will have good luck. According to the Pez family of B**ggers, anyway. But I think it works: I am the luckiest man in the universe, having landed with my once wife, Scamp.

(I'm not sure the rabbit has to be in distress. But, what the hey?)

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The First of the Month also calls for posting the winner of a Perfect Post award. This was invented by Momma K and Lucinda to reward "extra effort" by people who write so purty.

This month, my Perfect Poster is, once again, a humorist, who can be found at Holtie's House. He tells a tale about a pregnancy and a "middle wife". Go enjoy.

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Now, then: A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires last year. The smoke from the fires was so thick that taking pictures from ground level was impossible. So he got permission from his boss to charter a flight so he could take photos from the air.

He called the Local County Airport to charter a flight. He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and then shouted "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some closeup shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're NOT my flight instructor?"

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My favorite word today is reboot. N., something about computers, right? Def.: What you do at 2 a.m. when you have to get up to go to the outhouse.