More of Many Things About Hoss

The Administrator of the Home of Wizened Oldsters, where I am penned up, said they were gonna have a birthday party for me tomorrow.

Hoss: "It's not my birthday. I was born in October."

Administrator: "We're afraid you won't last that long."

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On the off chance that she is correct, I better get around to telling you more of the 100 (or 200 or 500) things about me. I know you want this list of historicals because I am so damn important you wouldn't want to go to your grave not knowin' me as good as I do.

42. Bend, Oregon, has lots of cold weather in the winter. In the 1930's there were no clothes dryers, and the washing of the laundry wouldn't wait, which meant sheets would go on the outdoor clothesline. Where they froze as stiff as my pecker used to get. My brother and I would bring the sheets in, make a fort, and fire imaginary pistols from behind our cover until the sheets melted. This game never lasted more than 6 minutes.

43. I was reading a piece by my new best friend, Angie, in which she was reporting on her wonderful Grandmother who could "take her finger and poke a hole in the soil, plop something in and it would grow." Ol' Hoss has always been like that. I would take my thumb and "poke a hole in the soil, plop my thumb in it and it would grow green thumbs." This is why I always vote for green eggs and ham.

44. I spent a summer at the home of my maternal grandparents down in New Pine Creek, a tiny town on the Oregon-California border. On the 4th of July a firecracker I threw didn't explode, so I picked it up to light it again. THEN it exploded. Gramma applied a paste of water and baking soda. I went back to play. Another firecracker wouldn't explode. I picked it up with my good hand and THEN it exploded. Gramma applied a paste of water and baking soda and threw the rest of my firecrackers down the shitter. This is why I always vote against New Pine Creek.

45. When I worked for the Capital Journal in Salem, Oregon, I did a story once about a portable device the hospital had bought that would record the user's heart beat for 24-hour period. It was useful in detecting anomalies. So I wore the thing for 24 hours. On the printout there was a place where my heart skipped a beat. The diagnostician said this is normal. I didn't die until a couple of days later. This is why I almost quit voting.

46. A lot of internet people are "stay at home Moms" or "stay at home Dads." I am a "stay at home Grandfather." This is a helluva lot better deal than being a Mom or Dad. The Old Bastards Home where I live does all my laundry and cleaning and brings me food. My kids bring me Fixodent, cookies and Wild Turkey. I don't do nuthin' for nobody. I gave at the office.

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My favorite word today is chimera, because it reminds me of me. ("Chimera" can be interpreted as "something unbelievable." It also can be something like a Minotaur, which I am thinkin' of gettin' reincarnated as. Based on reader comments from the other day, I will NOT be gettin' reincarnated as a merkin.)

Bigfoots: Mr. and Mrs. Everyman

Did you ever wonder, like me, what is your purpose in life? Maybe, like me, you are quite useful. I have many purposes in life, such as:

1. To give people headaches.
2. To exfoliate, so my carpet beetles have something to eat.
3. To make the owners of my Old Folks' Home rich.
4. To drink your booze.

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I have a friend up in Forks, Washington, that is practically in the heart of Bigfoot territory. I asked her why she never wrote about this in her internet piece. Here's what she told me:

"There is not much to tell, really, about the Bigfoot families. They'are about like everybody else; oh, a little more hairy, and sort of tall in the saddle, but they're nice enough. It's sort of too bad they all have the same first name -- Bigfoot -- but we work around it, calling them Bigfoot Mister, Bigfoot Missus, Bigfoot Baby. And Bigfoot Next-to-Oldest, Bigfoot Parolee, Bigfoot Pope, and so on.

"I guess outsiders would think it is a little strange to see the Bigfoot people going naked all the time. For for us who live here it's really nice to see what a real whang can grow up to be.

"We have Bigfoot Bowler and Bigfoot Soccer Mom over to dinner now and then. We usually eat outside so we can be with them as they graze in the garden.

"Bigfoot children are fun to play with. I guess their favorite game is Hide and Seek, which explains why they're so difficult to find once they're in the woods. They also like Kick the Can, where they have a really big advantage. And they especially like basketball. Shaquille O'Neal sends them shoes. Word is he was a Bigfoot Baby but got converted by some missionaries.

"I think the Bigfoots are somehow related to the Grizzly Bears. But the Bigfoots have much better penmanship.

"I guess the Bigfoot people are so ordinary you wouldn't think of writing anything about them. Maybe if one of them married Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall that would be worth a mention."

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Matey says:

You are scrupulously honest, frank and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.

Punch Bowl Is Callin' My Name

Here I am, an escapee from the Age of Stegosaurs, on my last legs, and people are trying to work me to death. First it was Judy and J & J's Mom saying I had to write a bunch of stuff about what I would do if I were any number of occupations. Then Modern Millie said I had to write stuff about books. And now Chenoah has me "Turd Tagged." I tell you girls, my brain is just about fried. I ain't used to thinkin'. I am more a man of action. Man of Steel, if you really wanna know. I did leap some tall buildings in my time.

Anyhow, when you get "Turd Tagged" you have to do a little poetic. The first and third lines are: "Turd in a punch bowl." The taggee has to write the second and fourth lines, on any subject, making sure they rhyme. So I gonna do this, only I'm pretending that Chenoah did the writing. Here goes:

Turd in a punch bowl,
It resembles Ol' Hoss.
Turd in a punch bowl,
Drowned. It's not a big loss.

Dang, Chenoah! I thought you liked me better'n that.

Bottom line-wise, I get to ask three other internet writers to take on this challenge. So I hereby Turd Tag the following: Jessica Rabbitt, That Damned Judy and Poopie. They're all good sports, don't mind being dumped on.

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Something I read on the internet but I can't tell you where so I'm sorry:

"Witches don't have leaders. Granny Weatherwax was the most highly regarded of the leaders they didn't have."

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A Liff definition:

Gildersome: Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after scarcely half an hour."

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Matey says:

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

'See Spot Run' and Other Books I Read

One of my newest buddies is Thoroughly Modern Millie, who is a 79-year-old lass on the East Coast who writes a piece now and then. Maybe I should say "former buddy," because she has saddled Ol' Hoss with a "meme" -- the one where you gotta guess what books you have read and are reading. I am onliest doing this out of respect for the aged (Millie has me by 5 years), but I hope nobody memes Hoss much more. I got some baking to get done. So don't get me riled. I got hot cross buns.

So here's what Millie laid on me:

"1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?"

Crapamighty! You mean, Do I want to get burned up now or later? I ain't gonna be no damn book in a bonfire. It is clear, though, that in the movie I should be cast as an intellectual.

"2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?"

Damn right, Velvet Brown, the horse rider in "National Velvet." Elizabeth something or other, who just happens to be onliest 2 years younger'n me.

"3. The last book you bought was..."

"Locust," by Jeffrey Lockwood. I thought it had the recipe for chocolate-covered locusts. Turns out it was an insect-oriented shoot-'em-up.

"4. The last book you read was..."

"Ancient History," by J.M. Roberts. I am very big on things in the past, since I spend so much time there.

"5. What are you currently reading>"

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

"6. Five books you would take to a deserted island."

Don't nobody need no five books to get along anywhere, no how. You only need ONE book: The Oxford English Dictionary. It has all the words anybody could put in any book. All you gotta do is arrange and rearrange these words, and you got all the writin' anybody every done or will do. I guess the trick is in knowin' what order you wanta put the words in. It's a trick Ol' Hoss mastered years ago. As you well know.

"7. Who are you passing this job onto and why?"

I do not have any enemies to lay this on. So I guess the buck stops here, as Harry and I like to say. This is probably why I always vote against old ladies.

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Because of the swell dream I had last night, my favorite word today is incubus.

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Matey says:

On Jeopardy, the answer is: "Dr. Livingstone I presume."

Question: "What is Dr. Presume's full name?"

Here Is Your Math Lesson

As you well know, I am incarcerated in a Home for People of the Octogenarian Persuasion because I am 74 186/365ths years along. And yet I am keeping up with you young whippersnappers. Sometimes I get ahead of the pack. For instance, I surf the internet by going "Point and Click." This is a method way ahead of its time. Probably I shouldn't have told you; now everybody will be doing it.

Anyways, I am pointing and clicking away and one time I land on the site of a fella named Shane. He is a Briton, but that don't keep him from being a helluva good writer, even if he does have to write in English. T'other day Shanester gave me the address of a place called Liff. I would provide you with a link but you don't want to go there because you would be there all day. The authors of that page provide us with, I guess, over a thousand words that aren't words, plus their definitions. As in:

"Cairnpat -- A large piece of dried dung found in a mountainous terrain above the cowline, which leads the experienced tracker to believe that hikers have recently passed."

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Another buddy told me about his recent purchase of stuff at a Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took his $2 and was trying to figure out the change. He took 8 cents from his pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, confused. He told her to just give him two quarters, but she decided to call the manager. When he tried to explain it, she stood there and cried. This is probably why:

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math in 1990: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 2000:By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? How did the forest birds and squrrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production...

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My favorite word today is cairnpat.

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Matey says:

Q.: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A.: Not enough sand.

Seeking the Fountain of Youngness

My buddy Surfie has noted my affinity for offbeat words and has challenged me to use the terms "troglodyte" and "loquacious" in the same sentence, and it must make sense. Hell, there ain't nuthin' Ol' Hoss can't do, because I just did it. Don't you see both words in the sentence above? Hoo boy I get a kick out of out-sharpin' people.

Well, okay, an honest try:

"That Hoss is an iggerant sumbitch who just rattles on about nuthin'." There, troglodyte and loquacious in the same sentence. A sentence with much truth to it.

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Being as how I don't get out much, being confined by my oxygen tank to The Old Dinosaurs' Home, I do a lot of internet surfing. And one day, what to my wondering eyes did appear but a notice by a would-be Jonas Salk of plans to do some experimental medicine. On old people like me.

Well, I wasn't so much interested in getting worked over and on as I was in seizing an opportunity to Make My Pile. You see, I have made and been cheated out of more fortunes than Carnegie, Mellon, Rockefeller, Martha Bumfuck, Warren Buffett and my buddy Bill Gates ever had. Mostly I been ripped off by the Chinese, who copy my inventions and don't pay me any royalties. And then the IRS has busted my chops a time or two. So I'm still in need of Another Pile of Lucre. ("Lucre" is Messican for "rials.")

I got in touch with this experimenter fella, whose named happened to be Dr. Jonas Suck. I said to him, "For a piece of the action, say 10 percent royalty on any medicines you develop, I will provide you with all kinds of senior citizens: shut-ins, cast-offs, diaper-fillers, crips and fatsos. The worn out, the worn in, the dim-witted, the mute, the halt and the blind. Whatta ya need?"

Jonas, seeing as how I am a true American go-getter, levels with me. "What I am working up," he says in a conspiratorial way, eyeing the horizon for eavesdroppers, "is The Ultimate Pill. As a working title, I have designated it: The Ponce de Leon Special."

"Holy lickety brindle!" I busted out, like a bladder that has gotten too full. "The soda fountain of youth!"

"So what we need," says Dr. Suck, "is a volunteer to try these pills on. How about you, Mr. Ol' Hoss?"

"Hell damn NO," I sput (which is not quite a sputter). "I been young once, and it's like bein' the asshole of the universe. You got your colic, pneumonia, measles, diphtheria, whooping cough, acne, girl trouble, shotgun marriages, babies loading diapers with green shit, knee biters, Girl Scout cookie routes, athletic fees, drunken prom nights, college costs. The highlight of the month is delivery pizza.

"So, no thanks, Dr. Suck, to being young again. Once was too many. But I maybe got a candidate to do a trial run on -- Cassie Beenbad. She'll swallow anything. Well, I don't mean ANYTHING, if you get my drifter. But anyways, bring yer stuff over and we'll sluice it down Cassie's throat."

So, to make a long stupid story a little longer, that's what Dr. Suck and I did. And Lo the Behold! Cassie became young again. I mean, suddenly she is three months old.

"Look," I said, "this ain't gonna work out too good. If everybody gloms onto this pill, you and I will be the only people left to change diapers. AND I ALREADY HAD MY DAMN FILL OF GREEN SHIT!"

Both Dr. Suck and Ol' Hoss are still looking for a way to Make A Pile.

I Think Ol' Hoss Is Getting Silly

I know some more things about me that you don't:

36. In another life I was the Grand Duke of Luxumbourg. When I tried to cash in, I was only worth half a grand. This is why I always vote against phony titles.

37. When I was a kid, one of my uncles made root beer at a family reunion. It was the best root beer ever concocted. I don't have the recipe, unfortunately. It would be an easy way to Make My Pile.

38. When I worked as a reporter in Yakima, Wash., I asked my boss if I could do a series of stories about all the gambling in the county. He asked the Big Boss, and the Big Boss said "no." Turned out he was involved in a high stakes poker game. So I quit that job and went to work in California. I didn't find any crooks there, so I just went ahead and exposed myself.

39. At Willamette University, I was elected president of a sophomore class honorary society at its first meeting. It was also our last meeting. This is why I always vote against meetings.

40. When I was in high school, I was editor of the school newspaper. One thing that caught my eye was that Phil Gillis was always taking girlfriends away from Freddie Meyers. So I write in my column, "A new nickname has been born. You may now refer to this lad as Freddie 'Is Gillis Kissing Her Now?' Meyers." Freddie kicked my ass.

41. My mother named me Lowell after a city in Massachusetts, and Eugene after a city in Oregon. I wish she had let me do it. I woulda picked cities in Iowa and Michigan: Dubuque Kalamazoo Maudlin has a nice sound to it. Or I coulda got first and middle names from just one city in Washington. I coulda been Walla Walla Maudlin. St. Augustine works good, too.

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My favorite word today is merkin.*

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One of my fellow piece writers is a young lad calls hisself Cananopie. On Tuesday he directed his readers to a site where some folks are planning a convention on time traveling. In a FAQ section was this:

"I'm from the present and I'd like to attend, but I can't."

"No worries. If time travel is invented in your lifetime, you can always come later."

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Hoss has been wondering:

If I get a tatoo of a naked woman on my chest, are the silicone implants an extra?

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*"Merkin" is George W. Bush's pronounciation of "American." It also is a pubic wig, as in the 1964 movie "Dr. Strangelove," where the President was named Merkin Muffley.

I Love Me Best of All

When they whisked me outta the Old Folks' Home and trundled me to the hospital, I had no idea what was in store for me. Now I have found out: I spent $5,143.47 at the store. In three days. And I brought my own bedpan (I have the tricked-out Ferrari model, lined with fur off a baby seal).

To not coin a phrase, they must think I'm made out of money. "Money doesn't grow on trees," to not coin another phrase. "A fool and his money are soon parted," as long as we're busy not coining phrases. "Money is the root of all evil," ad infinitcetera.

So I sent the hospital a note, saying, "Please check your bill." They wrote back, "We checked with Bill, and Mr. Gates, the owner of this hospital, wants his money now!"

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Trundle is my favorite word today.

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Getting along with the 100 (or more) things you need to know about Ol' Hoss:

30. I was at a bar in Houston, and the band playing there was led by the famous James "Pappy" Self, who wrote the greatest fiddle tune of all time, "Orange Blossom Special." Pappy didn't make a dime off that song, because he never got a copyorvillewright on it. I shook his hand. Now I'm infamous too.

31. I have never had a "near-death experience," but my cousin did. When she came back to life I asked her what she saw. She said, "I saw my body from afar. I was really fat, and I was eating a Krispy Kreme." And then she died of hunger. I guess this won't be of much help to the Near-Death Experience Research Foundation.

32. I have a LOT in common with Bill Gates. My name is Gene. His name is Bill. We both have four letters in our name. Not everybody is so well-blessed.

33. I don't have a lot in common with Bill Gates. My apartment is 535 square feet. His house is 4,900 square feet, and counting. I am old; he is young. He's got lots of money; I got zilch. But someday I am going to invent something that will raise my net worth from nada to piddling. This is why I always vote in favor of inventions.

34. I once had a garden at home in which I raised celeriac, salsify, yard-long beans, ground cherry, kohlrabi and gophers. I was never a go-fer personally, but I knew some. They were afraid of my shadow.

35. I have been married five times -- twice to my present wife. This is not a brag; this is an admission of ox dumbness. This is why I always vote in favor of abortion of me, except it's too late.

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Matey says:

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

The Women Are Picking on Me

Being an old fogey in an Old Fogeys' Home, I got plenty to do. Like, just this morning I was trying to figure out which way the loose end of the toilet paper roll should face. It was going to be my contribution to science. But I got interrupted by a couple of babes on my link list who want me to do a "meme." It's a sort of a cultural tell-all dealie.

One of these hot women is Judy, whose real name is Judy. The other is J&J's Mom, whose real name is Mom. What they independently decided was to ask Hoss to say what he would do if he were any number of 44 named professions (like, "If I could be a chef..."). Judy said I had to pick 3 from the list; Mom said I had to pick 5. I will do a couple and see how it goes:

1. "If I could be a farmer," I would raise lots of brown cows so all the children could have chocolate milk. I would recycle all the cow pies by putting them on the porches of all the people in the city, along with their newspaper. I would attach a note to each pie saying, "This is fertilizer. Feed it to your children so they can grow big and strong. Wash it down with milk from Ol' Hoss's Jerseys and Guernseys."

2. "If I could be a writer," I would write up some writings which ain't been written up before. I would scribble up so many writings that I would have enough pages for a book, and I would get a reputation as a scribbler. The name of this book would be the Holy Bible. It would contain some half-truths and other stuff.

3. "If I could be a proctologist," I would want to examine George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Tom DeLay to find out which one is the biggest asshole.

4. "If I could be a filmmaker," I would make a movie starring Charlie Chaplin, the Marx Brothers, the Ritz Brothers, the Three Stooges, Buster Crabbe, W.C. Fields, Robert Benchley, Robin Williams, Jonathan Winters, Mort Sahl and Lenny Bruce. It would be pretty funny. It would run for 10 hours. I would put pay toilets in all the theaters.

5. "If I could be President," I would appoint women to every judicial vacancy, to every top military position, and to all the cabinet posts. Men are doing a really bad job because none of them has known the pain of childbirth or what it's like to have their boobs stared at. I also would make PMS illegal. My motto would be: "A chicken in some pots, and pot in all the other pots."

There were some other jobs that sort of struck my fancy.

"If I could be a missionary" I would go into Darkest Africa and get a suntan.

"If I could be an architect" I would construct all the houses in Tornado Alley out of cardboard, so it wouldn't cost so much to rebuild.

But I'm getting WAY too practical.

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My favorite word today is cauterize. I'm still thinking of those hot babes. ("Caught her eyes." Get it? Dope.)

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Ol' Hoss needs to know:

What do penguins wear on casual Friday?

Giggling Permitted; Also Yawning

Carolina Sister and Prudence Corsetstay, two of the stalwarts in The Old People's Home, were out having a cigarette in the rain the other day. Ms. Sister pulled out a condom, clipped the end off it, fit it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Prudence: "What the hell is that?"

Carolina: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

The next day Prudence hied herself to the pharmacy and asked for a box of condoms. The pharmacist gives her a strange look, on accounta she is easily in her mid-80's. But he goes along with it.

Pharmacist: "Uh, what brand would you like?"

Prudence: "Don't matter, as long as fits on a Camel."

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Did you see this? "Peruvian officials saved some 4,000 endangered frogs from being whizzed into popular drinks after they were found hidden in an abattoir....Frog cocktails are popular in the Andes because of their supposed aphrodisiac qualities." --Reuters.

Now, if Ol' Hoss can convince those el stupidos that they can get the same turn-on from slugs, I'll be glad to grind up every slug in Oregon for their drinking pleasure. I could Make My Pile.

"Abattoir" is my newest strange word.

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Our candidate for President, Maxine Knowsall, bitch-slapped a right-wing radio commmentator who accused her of being an atheist.

"Wipe your mouth, sonny. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips."

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You know how those search engines will come up with oddball phrases that direct people to your site? Even though you can't figure out why? I got one, from Yahoo. It said: "hot bitches for Arabs."

Hoss has NOT ONCE written about hot bitches. I DID once say that some of my best friends aren't Arabs.

You suppose they were talking about the inmate we got here name of Wilda Tightbuns?

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There was a remark from a lady about my piece yesterday, saying she didn't know there was such a word as "ursine" (bear-like qualities). She also said she didn't understand why the NFL has the Chicago Bears when there are no bears in Chicago. She's right about that, and this fall they will be renamed the Chicago Ursines.

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Matey says:

Get forgiveness now. Tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Thank You and Good Grief

I am VERY GRATEFUL to the bunches of you who come to read my pieces. And I love your comments. The comments are usually funnier than what I write. So I gotta keep writing so I can keep getting comments. It's a vicious circular.

Anyway, I usually don't comment directly on your comments. It's mostly for lack of time. See, I am reading, and commenting to when appropriate, 63 other writers. I just thought it was better for me to comment on your stuff than to comment on your comments. If you have any comment on this, comment away. (And now "comment" is becoming a funny word, like "ursine.")

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This may not get a foothold in The Old Folks Home where I live, but the younger set seems to be asking: "Is Bladder Worship Wrong?" I mean, I'm seein' it on bumper stickers and T-shirts, so I suppose it's a legitimate question.

What it seems to stem from is the emphasis on urine tests in all forms of athletic endeavor. The Piss Police are all over the place, saying "Pee in the bottle, son. It won't hurt a bit." And son is saying to himself, "Will my bladder, that I adore, betray me this time? Will they find out I have eaten the yellow snow?"

It turns out that eating the yellow snow is not a crime. It's just piss-poor form.

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The farmer, the wife and the 18-year-old daughter are in a snit. They all hate doing dishes. So Papa says, "Okay, the next person that says a word has to do the dishes." So they retire to the living room, reading, knitting, nodding off, beating off, whatever farm folks do.

Outside, a trucker has a breakdown. Seeing the farmhouse he goes thence and knocks on the door. He can see people but they don't stir. He opens the door, goes inside, and says, "I wonder if I can get some help?" They ignore the trucker. So he grabs the farmer's wife, takes her in the bedroom and has his way with her.

He starts to go back to work on his disabled truck and thinks, "Whoa. That young chick was pretty nice." So he goes back in and diddles the daughter.

The trucker then leaves and starts to work on his truck engine. His screwdriver slips and he skins his knuckles. So he goes back to the farmhouse and says, "Anybody got any Vaseline?"

And the farmer says, "I'll do the dishes!"

(A-one, a-two, a-three: GROAN.)

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One of those cosmetologist types came to The Home this week, waning to exfoliate us all. You know, strip off our dead skin cells. She apparently didn't know that dead skin is food for carpet beetles, and a lot of them are our pets. She was just another dumb-butt, peddling cruelty to animals.

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Ultraspy says:

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

A Bandwagon for Maxine

My friend Judy has enlisted me into the ranks of "Maxine for President." I agreed to join up because Maxine obviously cares about old people like me who live in Old People's Homes. For instance, one of her many mottoes is: "If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance."

I think the reason Maxine is in the race is because she knows there are so many of us ABHers out there -- the Anybody But Hillary clan. So maybe you want to join in the fun. Here, according to an email sent to me by Judy, is Maxine's stance on the issues of the day:

1. Driver Safety. "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Life: "Life is like an oven. It burns my ass."

3. Housework: "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. The Perfect Man: "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

5. Work: "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

6. Technology. "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the ass twice."

7. Aging: "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large Margarita."

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As long as I'm stealing, the S.P.E.C.E. (Society for the Preservation of English and Correct Speech is at www.specs.org.uk. It's a new site, started this month. It's a fun-in-cheeky place where language is more important than anything, even rabies and sexually transmitted disease. For instance:

"Society member Alice Sedgewick-Browne alerts us to the tendency of Welsh BBC newsreader Huw (sic) Edwards to split infinitives....we shall be monitoring the speech of Mr. Edwards very closely indeed."

And S.P.E.C.E. was forced to announce the departure of the Society's financial manager, who served well but "made the decision to step down after a series of public grammatical errors."

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Maxine says:

"When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts 'em down pretty quick."

I Am What I Am and Then Some

The rent is going up here in The Home for the Aged and Unknowing. This makes it ever more necessary for Ol' Hoss to make his pile. I wonder if there's a market for edible diapers? How about square cones for ice cream? Candles made of ear wax? Tampax Twinkies? Let me know if I hit on something you'd buy.

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Here's some more things about Hoss, the gem of the ocean:

28. When I was a student at Willamette University, a fraternity brother named Jack Larson took me on a flight in his biplane. As a reporter-photographer for the Albany Democrat-Herald two years later, I was sent out to cover the crash of a crop duster in which the pilot was killed. It was Jack. Shit does indeed happen.

29. When I was working in tourist promotion part of my job was to tell our staff photographers what pictures they needed to take for our ads. Traveling on a back road near John Day, a coyote crossed our path. My photographer was a former state cop who still packed a shooter. I said, "Kill the bastard." (Everybody knows coyotes are nothing but trouble.) The photographer said: "What did he ever do to you?" This is why I always vote in favor of coyotes.

30. In Lumber Camp No. 2 outside of Bend, the men-folk would sometimes pitch horseshoes. And sometimes we kids would run back and forth in front of the pitched horseshoes to show our bravery. Uncle Fred threw a shoe tht caught me right below the temple. They don't make kids as goofy as they used to.

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There were six of us who used to drink beer at a place in Salem called Boon's Treasury, which at one time was the Oregon State Treasury. We had one thing in common: we were all gay. No, wait, NONE of us was gay, that's what it was. Just a damn minute. What we had in common was that we all liked to go on float trips down the Rogue River in Southern Oregon.

The leader of the pack was a Vietnam veteran named Mose. He survived the war because he snored so loudly that his Marine buddies would always have him on night patrol. He never slept for 18 months. He always votes against war.

This float trip we were on was a leisurely four days, communing with black bears and nibbling doobie brownies, which were cooked up by an insane guy from Eugene who was an extra in "Animal House."

On the second day of the trip, one of our guys from Boon's, Jerry, fell overboard and drowned while we were trying to get past the worst rapids on the Rogue. Damn. We still had two days to go to get to civilization. So we did what anybody else would have done: "Row the boat and drag Jerry. Row the boat and drag Jerry." This is why I always vote against drowning.

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Hoss wonders:

Is it called "cock fighting" when there are two weenie wavers on the same corner?

Amounting to a Hill of Beans

We oldsters in the Old Farts' Home are being given the opportunity to plant a vegetable garden in the vacant half-acre north of this place. It is not going well.

Joyce Greenfinger: "Right here is where we will sew the seeds for the pole beans."

Lettie Howdoesyourgardengro?: "You mean bush beans, right?"

Joyce: "Pole beans!"

Lettie: "Bush beans!"

Merle Hertz: "Look, I've got a pole, you girls got a bush. Let's settle this in my room."

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There's a news report that Elton John will marry his long-time partner, David Furnish, late this year or early in 2006. People voting for a wedding theme song are betting on "I've Got You Under My Skin." (I know I promised never to be mean. Promises mean nothing to me.)

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More things about me (I thought you'd never ask):

24. I played a round of golf once that took six hours. Along about the third hole, one member of our foursome, Junior Fastlife, kicked the bucket. So ever after that, for the rest of us, it was "Hit the ball, drag Junior. Hit the ball, drag Junior." This can really slow you down.

25. I learned to play bridge in college. I took a year of foreign language, German. Guess which of the two I still remember. Yeah, sure, guten tag to you, too. Eins, zwei, drei....7 spades, down 2, doubled and redoubled.

26. When my brother and I did bad, our Dad would spank us with a 3-ply razor strop. One day my brother, who is 20 months older than me, got spanked and refused to cry. So Dad quit spanking both of us. I owe my brother 20 months' worth of spanking.

27. In the 7th grade, I was trying out for the track team. I didn't seem to be able to run as fast as usual (and I was a FAST sumbitch, which I learned trying to run away from all those spankings which I deserved because I was so bad but that's another story). So I got home and told my Mom I seemed to be having stomach pangs and maybe I was hungry. Mom looked in what we called "The Doctor Book," diagnosed me as having appendicitis, and off to the hospital I went. I didn't make the track team.

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Matey says:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

A Little of Everything

Ol' Hoss may have been born too late to Make His Pile. In the early 1600's, explorers were making 32,000 (!) percent profit on nutmeg from the Spice Islands.

We don't get nutmeg here in the Home for Wizened People. That's because the only thing it's ever used for is to sprinkle it on egg nog, and we don't get egg nog, either.

We can get all the salt we want. Apparently there is no danger of running out. If salt was oil, gasoline would be 39 cents a gallon. Approximately.

I don't know why it's so difficult to Make My Pile. After all, my buddy Bill Gates and I went to the same school. It was called elementary school.

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So this guy, Homer Badluck, has a great big red spot on his head, right above the bridge of his nose. He goes to the doctor.

Doctor: "What's going to happen is a wang is going to grow out of that red spot."

Homer: "A wang? You mean I gotta get up every morning and look in the mirror at a wang growing out of my head?"

Doctor: "You won't see it. The balls will be in your eyes."

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A cannibal goes into the bar looking grim.

Bartender: "What's the matter with you?"

Cannibal: "I'm fed up with people."

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Some people have asked me who the hell is "Matey" that I keep quoting. He is an Australian Good Ol' Boy what got some smarts. He is the one who said: "Is there another word for synonym?" I have no shame. I will steal from anybody.

I also found this on the Internet. Wrote it down and forgot to note who said it. It's worth knowing:

"I got fired from my job, it rained in Vermont, and I had my period."

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When my buddy Bud was working in a food-canning factory, the boss called a meeting one morning when things were going to hell.

Boss: "What we have here is a failure of communication."

Bud: "Nobody told me!"

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Matey says:

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

This Is Kind of Sad, Folks

Somebody once opined that I seem too lively to be living in an Old Folks' Home, and she wondered why I am a shut-in. I been putting this off because the answer is pretty sad. And believe me, Ol' Hoss knows sadness. Like, one year the U.S. Citizens elect George W. Barney Rubble and the next year the St. Louis Cardinal Catholics elect Fred Flintstone. Stone Agers uniting. This is pretty sad.

But this is sadder than that. You see, my wife has a rare disease called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP). Its cause is unknown and a cure is non-existent. PSP is an attack on motor skills. My wife cannot walk, and must have help rising and being seated. Her sense of balance is gone, and she has fallen frequently. She cannot dress herself. She cannot feed herself. Her eyesight is failing. But her heart is strong. She has never once said "Why me?".

I cried when I first drafted this piece. Which does nobody no good. I used to cry a lot, feeling so sorry for my wife, but I got some good advice from my buddy Lois Lane so I don't do that much anymore. So don't feel sorry for us. We're doing fine.

Shifting gears just a little, let me tell you that I detest bigots and religious nuts and pedophiles and rapists and the like. I can't stand People Who Know What's Best for You (see: religious nuts). None of those folks has a sense of humor. So that's how Hoss gets even, by exercising his funny bone. So let's do some more getting even:

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I have slowly been tellin' you all about me. Which, of course, is the most interesting stuff you will ever read on the Internet. I can't blame you for pinin' because I haven't got all "100 Things About Hoss" laid out where you can get at 'em. But I am just being kind to you. If I showed you all 100 all at once, you'd pass out from delight and probably get hit by a train. Here, though, is No.

22. When I was a newborn, my brother nicknamed me "Babe." I was Babe Maudlin until I got my first job as a reporter in Albany, Ore., when I decided I would be Gene (middle name is Eugene) Maudlin. So my boss tried to introduce me to the police chief, but HE HAD FORGOTTEN MY NAME! So I saved the situation. "Chief, glad to know you," I said. "I'm Babe Maudlin." Dunce caps all around.

23. In high school I starred (naturally) in two school plays. In one of them I sang:

"I am the ghost of Tutankhmun,
"And I'll haunt your vampire woman,
"Everywhere she goes.
"She's a modernized Egyptian,
"I can tell by old inscriptions,"
"I'm the man who knows."

Pretty sappy. I don't think I have any of the advertising posters left. I know you wanted one.

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Matey says:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Oh the Things I Could Have Been

Yesterday, the Oldest Known Blogger (79-year-old Ancient Mom in my Geriatric Ward) published a recipe for potato latkes. Beings as I am surrounded by Old People here in The Old People's Home, I should go around and get recipes from them to share with you. I bet they got some dandies, like:

WILTED LETTUCE, by Myrtle Foodpush

Fry up 6 pounds of bacon
Wash up 2 bushels of lettuce
Pour the bacon grease over the lettuce
Crumble the bacon and spread it on top

Serves 24. Takes all day. (Myrtle said that as a farmer's wife she never cooked for less than 24 children and farmhands. "I don't know any little recipes," she said.)

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Awhile back I said that I had had 15 different jobs in my adult profesional persuasion. Here are some of the jobs I DIDN'T have:

-- Meter reader, tarot card reader
-- Catalyst, analyst, amethyst
-- Nay-sayer, sooth-sayer, egg layer
-- Pimp, pimple
-- Cock fighter, cock blower, clock watcher, cuckoo clock
-- Jockey, midget, dwarf, Tiny Tim, Lilliputian
-- Tyro, pyro
-- Carnival barker, seal barker, dog walker, fast talker
-- Pearl diver, muff diver
-- Specialist, speculum, spic
-- Haberdasher, slasher, masher, flasher, Lash Larue
-- Farmer, charmer, alarmer
-- Politician, academician, electrician, magician
-- Driller, killer (but I am vaniller)

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Because I know good writin' and readin' when I see it, I want y'all to go visit Esther Wilberforce-Packard here. Her stuff is odd, strange, weird and zany. Read several of her little pieces. And let a smile be your umbrella.

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Matey says:

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

The Ancients Can Play Games, Too

There is a general feeling here at The Home for the Horse and Buggy-whipped that the Olympic Games are unfair to old people. You have to be pretty damn hale and hearty to participate in stuff like mud wrestling, basketball showboating, and 100 meter dashers, donners and blitzens. Hale and hearty = young.

Our inmate Whose Daughter Is a Lawyer wants to file suit for age discrimination. But Carolina Sister had a better plan, I think. "We will develop a competing tournament, where haleness and heartiness won't mean diddly squat. It will be for Old People. And we will call it The Ancients' Games."

Ol' Hoss: "What kind of competitions do you have in mind, Mrs. Sister?"

Carolina Sister: "I'm sure everybody here has some good ideas. But, for a start, how about Crosswords? The winner would be the person who provides the most definitions of 'cross', such as vexatious and angryness. People in wheelchairs could play."

Hope Eternalspring: "Why yes, and how about the person who can name the most body parts, like brain and asshole?"

Clancy Applerot: "And then we segue right into contests for pus squeezing, mole counting, and needle threading."

Ben Gonefishin: "I'd like to see a category for retired pedophiles. Kind of like synchronized swimming: we'll rate the contests on style and sincerity."

Maude Frickert: "And don't forget cow chip spitting and the watermelon seed toss."

Carolina Sister: "Okay, then, it's settled. The only thing left to decide is whether we want this on NBC or ESPN. I do so like Chris Berman on ESPN. He calls me Carolina Sister City. Isn't that precious?"

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I'm pretty damn smart, but computers have got my pencil whittled. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to link other sites on the Internet. But I got some help from my buddies Raehan and Steve Bottle Rocket, so today I'm going to try to make a link. Do me a favor and see if you can find Raehan here.

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Ol' Hoss says:

You know you have Internet anxiety when you start commenting on posts before they are written.

I Live and Learn, and So Do You

Greetings from the Worn-Out and Down Home, where living in the past is a fine art form. We are all anxiously awaiting the Kentucky Derby, where we understand Man O' War is the heavy favorite.

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Following is some information about me you just can't get on Google or Yahoo. As some of you know, I am writing 100 things about why I am famous. Today we have an eclectic selection. We left off at No. 15 in past pieces, so we start with No.

16. In the summer of when I was 12, I got in a fist fight and wound up with a broken arm. In the summer of when I was 24 I got in a fist fight and wound up with a broken nose. This is why I always vote against summer.

17. Other people have opinions. Everything I say is a fact. There is no guesswork involved.

18. When I was 14 my Mom had to have a hysterectomy. While she was in the hospital my Dad, a tree faller, got his back broken by a falling snag and had to be hospitalized. This is why I always vote against hospitals.

19. I pitched softball in my late teens. In my first game in Bend City League I gave up 10 runs to a team of young players. The next time we played them I pitched a no-hit, no-run game. I was 19. The tavern that sponsored us let me drink celebratory beer. Hoo boy.

20. In college, like all the other poor buttwipes that were science challenged, I had to dissect a frog. This is why I always vote against frogs.

21. I am an excellent cook. I even developed my own cookbook. The leading recipe was a Mexican dish I called "I Wish I Could Chimichanga Like My Sister Kate." That would be pretty funny, except you young people probably never heard of a dance called "the shimmy."* This is why I always vote against young people.

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The Matey says:

Is there another word for synonym?

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*In 1917, Spencer Williams sang: "I can't play no piano, can't sing no blues, but I can Shim-Me-Sha-Wabble from my head to my toes." The song "I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate" came later, you uneducated hicks.

Remembering Senior Skip Day

Something is going down here in my Home for Dodderers and Fossils. Ten inmates are shut-ins today because something in the air is causing a bad run of diarrhea (bad run of runs?). Later on today I will be taking over/under bets on the number of times Lucy Sidesaddle has to hit the can.

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I was between girl friends when our high school senior skip day arrived. This, of course, is a day when all red-blooded American boys want to get drunk and laid, in either order. So I spied the unattached, stone body that went by the name of Marie, and said to her maybe we could snag a ride out to Shevlin Park, where we could join all the other seniors who were skipping that day.

I guess Marie had never heard any of the locker room talk about me. You know how some people have belly buttons that are concave (inny) and some that are convex (outy)? I had the only inny wang in the whole school. But I thought that maybe if it got hard it might be enough to make an impression. So, anyway, Marie said yes.

I rounded up my buddy, Jack, who allowed as how he could get his Momma's car to transport the three of us. Before heading out, Marie volunteered two quarts of beer from her Momma's stash. I guess all my Momma contributed was me.

So off we went. En route, we spied another car ahead of us and I importuned ol' Jack, "Catch up, see who that is!" So Jack speeds up in that 1938 Dodge, hits a soft shoulder and rolls the car. None of us has a seat belt (this being before the invention of Allstate and before the invention of gasbags), so we go flying through the air inside the car. Inexplicably, I wind up atop Marie -- JUST LIKE I PLANNED ALL ALONG! It was the right position, but the wrong time.

Nobody was much hurt. But there were two tragedies: I never got laid until I got to college, and both quarts of beer was busted.

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I read this: It is Stop Snoring Week in Great Britain, and one of the ideas was "Tape the snorer's lips together." A doctor in Glasgow said, "Obviously this requires caution and should not be used where the snorer has any breathing difficulties." No shit.

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Ultraspy says:

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxative. Then you will be afraid to cough.

The Discriminatory Hotels and Such

I got to comparing life in the The Old Folks Home to living in a hotel, and ruminated into this stuff:

In the late 1930's or early 1940's, contralto Marian Anderson, a black, gave a concert in my home town of Bend, Oregon. She had to stay at the local fleabag because our only Class A hotel, the Pilot Butte Inn, refused to house her. (A Negro? Sleeping on our sheets? They'll never come clean!!)

The inn was in good company. The DAR refused to let Miss Anderson give a concert in Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., in 1939.

Marian Anderson died in Oregon in 1993. The cause was said to be congestive heart failure. It could just as well have been from a broken heart.

Also during the early 1940's, Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong did a show in Bend. I don't think he was rousted by the cops until after three encores.

We had one black family in Bend. The husband supported himself by shining shoes. We had one Chinese family. They supported themselves by selling herbs. We love type-casting in Bend.

I bring all this up because one of the inmates here in The Home of Ache and Pain, Claudia Nonesuch, has a lot of experience with different kinds of people because she used to run a hotel. I asked her one day whether she ever discriminated against any class of people.

Claudia: "Oh, yes. These people had such a strange color, and a terrible accent. One could hardly understand them."

Hoss: "You mean, black people with their Gizoogle rap talk?"

Claudia: "Oh, no. I mean those pasty-faced people from Great Britain. You'd think they'd learn to speak English. All the Japanese do."

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Well, I see the St. Louis Cardinals down in the Vatican failed to elect a woman as pope. Instead, they got themselves a hardnose who will make sure women never get to be priests or cardinals, but who will be welcome to kiss His Holiness's ass and ring.

Here's part of what First Male Benedict said in his acceptance speech: "Mary, His most Holy Mother, is on our side." When Sports Illustrated picks the next Super Bowl winner, it will be the team with the most Catholics, I guess.

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The Oregon Legislature has adopted a resolution naming the pear as the Official Oregon State Fruit. Ol' Hoss was runner-up.

I also was runner-up when they picked the filbert as the Official State Nut.

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More wisdom from Matey:

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

Degenerate Dominoes

The Activities Director here at The Home for Aged People and Cheddar likes to keep us busy with one thing and another -- movies, popcorn feeds, big poop contests, Skip-Bo and the like. This morning, the A.D. set up four of our finest ladies -- Carolina Sister, Maude Frickert, Nelly Nervous and Clementine Dourpuss -- with a dominoes game. This proved to be A Major Mistake.

In case you don't know, to score in dominoes the ends of the various legs that are made during the course of play have to end in 0 or 5. Say there are four legs with the outside numbers being 6, 4, 3 and 2. Added up, it's 15, so the person who played the last domino gets 15 points.

Clementine does not grasp the scoring concept. She wants points no matter what the total is. "There, that's 14; give me 14 points." "Look, 4, 6, 3, 3; give me 16." Carolina Sister says, "For the last time, Clemmie, that's not how we score."

Clementine goes ballistic. She starts throwing dominoes ever' which way. One of them leaves the room and lands in front of the cue ball where Paul Certain is playing pool. Paul misses a shot, and is steamed. He throws the six-ball at Clementine, but it hits Nellie right in the forehead. Services are pending.

Meanwhile, Addie Loosdrawer and Maggie Hophed are coming round the corner toward the Activity Room. In the confusion they start pummeling Maude Frickert, who reportedly used the last of the soap in the laundry room. Clementine throws more dominoes. Paul heaves the 1, 8, 9 and 15 balls, which land in the weeds outside and won't be found until fall. Merle Hertz arrives and sucker punches Paul.

(It was Paul, you see, who tried to steal Merle's place in the dining room. Asked later why he was still harboring a grudge, Merle said: "I was harboring a grudge.")

Carolina Sister pulls out her Uzi and shoots everybody. It would have been pretty bad, I guess, except Carolina's son had converted the Uzi to a water pistol. Even so, a lot of people got wet.

This was not a normal day in The Old Folks Home. Not abnormal, either. Just...uh...a little different than usual. Not much. Just a little.

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More of the 100 things about the man you love (Ol' Hoss hisself):

14. When I was 12 I got a job with a lumber mill in Bend, Oregon, as a fire suppressor. That was the fancy title for weed hoer. There were eight of us kids who hoed the weeds between the stacks of lumber that were put out to dry. We were paid 25 cents an hour. One day I announced, "When I grow up, I'm going to try to make $200 a month. I'll be set for life." When I retired, I was in a job that paid almost $5,000 a month, and felt underpaid. This is why I always vote against inflation.

15. Other jobs I have had: Picking cherries, string beans, strawberries and potatoes. Now they got machines that do most of this stuff. This why I always vote against machinery.

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More wisdom from the guru:

Why is it called tourist season when we can't shoot them?

Another Plan to Make My Pile

I usually don't put serious stuff on here, but bear with me just for a minute. There is this guy in Australia who has come up with a jimcrack of an idea based on his view of the UN, "which failed to achieve anything in the way of kerbing the (Saddam) atrocities while at the same time skimming off the funds."

"Why not just abandon the UN and start again? First condition of membership will be a freely elected government. Second condition would be a willingness to cooperate rather than obstruct. Why not call it the 'Coalition of the Willing'?"

A dandy idea. Put an Israeli type fence around the UN in New York. Set up the Coalition of the Willing in Oregon. Lots of smart people here, such as me. Viva la revolucion.

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As regular readers know, Ol' Hoss is very interested in Making a Lot of Money. I got my reasons, one being that I'm not quite as rich as Bill Gates. But that's okay, because Bill's my buddy. If he weren't, I'd invent something to put him out of business. What's he got, some piddly little outfit called Microfit, or something? If I wanted, I could invent a deal called Giantsoft and it would be all over for Bill. But I got other irons in the campfire.

What I'm thinkin' of inventing is a board game. What we would have is a four-sided board with 10 spaces on each of the sides. The spaces would be blank. People could put their game pieces down on any of the spaces, throw some dice and move in either direction on the board according to the number they throwed. And just keep throwin' the dice and moving around the board, etcetera finitum. One can play, or 100 can play, makes no difference. Nobody collects any "Go" money because the game only has game pieces and dice, to cut costs.

The game never ends. Probably we'll need some folks in the wings to take over for the first peoople that get in the game, for they are likely to atrophy.

The game would be called "Monotony." Let me know what you think.

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Perceived wisdom:

Spelling is a lossed art.

The History Buff Strikes Again

Feelgood Sockhanes joined me for breakfast in the You Call This Living? Home this morning, where we was having biscuits and pork belly gravy. This is not as good as fried sheep nuts, which is Rocky Mountain Oysters. Which got us to wondering whether fried dog nuts would be any good. That's the trouble with chefs today, those Emerils and all -- they don't think about branching out.

But that's not what was on Feelgood's mind. No, you see, Feelgood is the Revisionist History Freak. He is constantly efforting to make sure I have not bought into the standard history texts. He wants me to Know the Truth. And today he is imparting wisdom about Shakespeare.

Feelgood: "You up on your Willie the Shake plays, Hoss?"

Hoss: "Why, yes, Feelgood. Just this morning I was finishing up 'Two Gents From Veroner' before hauling out my Gutenberg version of 'The Taming of the Shrews, Mice and Voles.'"

Feelgood: "Howsomever, you prolly don't know the truth about Hamlet."

Hoss: "But you're going to tell me. I can hardly wait. I am bustin' the buttons right off my Dickies."

Feelgood: "So old Hamlet holds up this skull and crossbones and says, 'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio.' And then he points to this skull mug and says, 'Here hung those lips I have kissed I know not how oft.'"

Feelgood: "You get it, Hoss? Hamlet was lockin' lips with Yorick. They was goddam fairies! That prolly explains why Yorick died of AIDS."

Hoss: "Thanks for that tidbit, Feelgood. I will be alerting all the Danish history professors with whom I am acquainted."

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I wonder if my buddy Rachelle Loyear-Williams is making fun of me. (Rachelle is in my Geriatric Ward, over to the left.) She had a piece on April 15 about all the list-making that is going on, Internet-wise. You know the kind of stuff: 10 things I like done to me in the shower; 100 things that prove how wonderful I am; 5 questions and answers about drill sergeants I have known; the 50 tiniest penises I have seen, and so on.

Anyway, Good Ol' Hoss has started a list of things about Hisself, which he is dribbling out in dribbles and drabbles. Rachelle mighta seen this, and thought up a parody. Which is okay; I been parodied by the best Danish history professors in the land. Basically, this is what Rachelle wrote:

"Here is a list of things from me:

"100 Things I Suck At"

"1. Thinking up things to put on lists."

Things You Didn't Know Till Now

Tomorrow at The Old Folks' Home we're getting one of those Unitarian guys as our preacher. I don't know about Unitarians -- they seem a little soft on religion.

"That Christ guy was a helluva carpenter. Could have invented mortises and tenons and arches and arch supports if he wanted to. About that walking on water thing, it seems a little far-fetched to me. But whatever."

It was a Unitarian, I believe, who said the Ten Commandments weren't really "commandments." No, he said, it was simply a True/False quiz.

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Back to More Things About Ol' Hoss (the newspaper days): This is No.

13. As a reporter at the Albany (Ore.) Democrat-Herald in 1954 I spotted a football gambling operation going on at a local tavern. (I was having a sarsparilla, if you must know.) Bets were being taken on National Football League games, which was then illegal. So later on I asked the Police Chief if he knew about this, and he said, "No. You have any proof?"

I went back to the tavern, picked five games, gave the bartender a dollar, got my receipt and went back to the Chief. He busted the operator, a fella named Sandy. When they got Sandy to the police station he said, "You don't need to look in my shoes. I don't have anything there." Naturally, in his shoes, Sandy is packing $1,000.

I hit all five games. Woulda won $10. Police never gave me back my dollar, either, saying it was "evidence." That was the last time I tried to be on the right side of the law. Thieves.

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These days, it seems like you can call anybody just about anything, and it don't seem to matter much. People trade invective for invective and then go about their business.

But it doesn't seem safe to say what another person writes on the Internet is "lame." I seen some big fights erupt over that one. It wouldn't surprise me any to pretty soon see a site advertising some get-even help: "Redress of Insult, Brought to You by Rent-A-Thug."

Yeah, I'd be pretty careful about criticizing other people's Internet pieces, if I was you.

(This message brought to you by Hosannas for Hoss, Ltd.)

I Figure That Liars Can't Figure

It is fortitudinous that I am with you today. I tripped on a dead body outside my door in The Old Folks' Home and almost busted my kiester. It was Lydia Halfgood. I don't know why they can't clean up the dead bodies around here. They're a downright hazard.

And if there's one more thing I can't stand (and there is), it's those buttwipes up at the federal level, like President Karl Rove and his dummy, W. Mortimore Snerdbush, who keep saying that Social Security is going to go bust. They be moanin' about future generations what ain't gonna have a pot to pee in. Meanwhile, I keep comin' up with ideas to save their bumble-dickin' ass. Why don't they listen?

1. I've writ about this before, but it's worth repeatin'. THE GOVERNMENT CANNOT GO BROKE. The feds own the U.S. Mint. It can print all the money anybody wants. Why the hell this solution isn't obvious is beyond Ol' Hoss.

2. If that don't satisfy the dildo-eatin' communist economists, there's another easy source of revenue. Think of this: Every time the Post Office prints a new stamp, millions of philatelists* buy some and tuck 'em in albums. These will never be used. It's just like printing money. And coins: The government is making these 50-state quarters. Numismatists* are squirreling these away like hard winter acorns. They will never be spent. There is billions of dollars of stamp and coin money already on hand. God, this stuff is simple.

3. And if that weren't enough, there is always my preferred solution: Make everybody work till they're a hunnert years old. This might seem cruel to some of you, but by God I'll do anything to protect my Social Security check.

* Hoss shows off with some more big words.

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Just wondering: Is it in Cannes, France, that all the restroom jokes are written?

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A while back, in an earlier piece, I advised how we was all going to get rich by taking over a bunch of these Assisted Living Facilities. I invited you to scratch some money together so's you could invest. One of the ideas I had for you to raise money was for you to sell your first-born child.

One of my buddies, Shane Wexford (who's in my Geriatric roll at left), got sorta miffed at me when I announced I had sold my idea to my buddy, Bill Gates, and wouldn't be needing any outside investments. Here's what Shane wrote to me:

"You might be glad to hear -- for it has averted a 'legal action' -- that in relation to the Hoss 'get rich' scheme, I was able to steal back my partner's kid, after I had eBayed him. Tracked him down, spirited him away. I left a credit note for the eBay buyers saying that he was damaged goods. This keeps me in the good books of my partner, who had started asking where the riches were."

I am real sorry about that. But, hell, if you had bought kruggerands when they first came out you wouldn't be in such sorry shape, financial-wise.

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Shit. I just heard a THUMP outside my door. I'll probably be trapped in here all day.

Me and Roger

Before I came to The Last Roundup (where I live), I played a lot of golf. As you might expect, I was damn good at it. But that's another story, which won't get told someday.

My wife and I were playing in the early 1980's in Scottsdale, Arizoner. As we were leaving the 8th hole a ball comes skittering across the green and stopped right next to my cart. On the ball is printed: "Roger Maris". Roger is the guy what busted Babe Ruth's home run record, hitting 61 in 1961 (and got a lot of hate mail for his feat).

On the 9th hole my wife and I were held up by a foursome in front of us, so that gave time for Roger and his playing partner to join us on the tee. I am not much of a hero worshipper (except when it comes to me), so I said to Roger, "I hear you're a beer distributor." I guess he noticed me looking at his belly, 'cause he sucked it right up before admitting that fact.

So the four of us played the rest of the 18 holes. At the end, Roger said he wanted to thank me and my wife for not talking about baseball. He said he seldom gets a chance to work on his golf game because people wanna jaw at him about 61 home runs and being named Most Valuable Player and all that.

"So," he said, "if you want my autograph, it's okay to ask."

I said, "I was more thinkin' you probably want mine."

"Why would that be, Mr. Snake?"

"Well, according to the scorecards, I whipped your ass in golf. Don't that make me your hero?"

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I got a links partner (as in Internet links, not golf links) named Raehan, who is listed as, believe it or not, Raehan, in my Geriatric Ward, yonder at left. She is another one of my buddies, of which I got plenty.

She said in comments to my historical mumblings that I should include some stuff from my newspaper days. I am pleased to abrogate (I bet you thought I didn't know any big words). So here is No.

12. As City Editor of the Capital Journal in Salem, Oregon, I get one of the first newspapers off the press when it starts at about 1:15 p.m. On one page there are two pictures. One shows a mass murderer, the second shows a respected businessman. The pictures are switched. Ol' Hoss, true to newspaper tradition, runs downstairs and yells "Stop the press!" While we fix the glitch, 1,100 newspapers that were printed before I stop the press are consigned to recycling. I never got to stop the press because we had a late-breaking big story. I would have liked to, though. I can be quite the drama queen.

"....Makes Hoss a Dull Boy"

Yesterday I started telling you about one of the folks in The Old Folks' Home. It turned out to be me. Here is a synopsicum of what you missed if you didn't read yesterday's entry:

1. Hoss was behind the door when the brains were passed out.
2. He's a honky.
3. Losers are born, not made.
4. Something, something, something.
5. Something else.

Now that we're all caught up, here's some more stuff about Mr. Famous:

6. In high school I played the trombone in the school band. Then one day the band director said, "Hoss, you're the worst trombone player in the band, so we're switching you to tuba. It takes a lot of talent to be a bad tuba player." This was a good thing. My folks sold my trombone and sent me to Boy Scout camp.

7. I only had to play tuba during football season, because for the rest of the year I was an athaletic strap. I played basketball and participated in track. In college, I set the record in track for long jumping. It wasn't very far, but this school was noted more for brainiacs (like Mr. Mensa Hosstail) than athletiacs.

8. In college I joined a fraternity. My roommate taught me to smoke. Now, 55 years later, my doctor has taught me NOT to smoke. I am easily led.

9. I have been married a lot. I married my present wife twice, it worked out so bad the first time around. I have several children. They all know I am taking My Pile with me, so they generally ignore me. Which is fine because they got all these grandkids who are nothing but knee-biters and panty-poopers. But, just like you, they all love me.

10. I have had 15 different jobs (not counting juvenile delinquency and juvenile employment), all but one of which could have been a career post. The one that was sure to dead-end was as speechwriter for Oregon Gov. Tom McCall, since he was limited to two terms. He was a great environmentalist. He once described a smelly paper plant south of Salem, Oregon, as "a stinking cancer on the broad green bosom of the Willamette Valley." I didn't write that. I wasn't mean enough.

11. (Why stop when you're on a roll?) One of my juvenile jobs was as public address announcer for City League Softball. In those days it was common for the announcer to say who was at bat, who was on deck, and who was the third to bat -- the batter "in the hole." This traveling all-star team came through; they thought they were funny. So here were their first three batters, as announced by Young Hoss: "Now batting, White, with Crapp on deck and Glasscock in the hole." The adults in the audience booed when Hoss giggled.

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There once was a writer named Hoss,
Who with words was not at a loss.
He proved right away
With the rhyme of the day,
Toss, gauss, moss, joss, sauce, and boss.

Burma Shave.

You Didn't Ask for This

Yesterday, my buddy down in St. Loo, Dave Morris, wrote about hisself in a clever way, telling his readers 10 things about his historical. It was downright entertaining. I mean, who wouldn't want to know that he is body-hair challenged? (You can link to his piece by tracking him down in Hoss's list at the left.)

Since I am an Old Fogey, living in an Old Fogeys' Home, my life is sure to be almost as interesting as Dave's. So I thought there'd be no harm if'n I did the same. (In fact, I KNOW you been slobberin' all over yourself waiting for me to spill these beans.)

1. I was born in a house in Bend, Oregon, on Oct. 1, 1930. That house is still standing. There is a plaque near the front door that says: "Nobody important was born here."

2. I am Caucasian, or "white bread." As far as I know, I've always been Caucasian.

3. When I was a young boy, living in Lumber Camp No. 2, my older brother and I each had a large metal airplane for a toy. My Dad drove his car over my brother's plane. In the resulting confusion, my brother convinced everbody that it was MY plane that was run over. I have been confused ever since.

4. On my first day of school in Bend, the teachers had us play "Dodge Tag." You start with one "Toucher" in the middle of the field, and everybody else would try to run past him. Kids who got touched were then "Touchers," and on an on. I figured out right away there was no way for a runner to win this game, so I went home. My teacher was not pleased.

5. In the fifth grade I was the only one in my class to get 100 percent in spelling every week. My biggest success was being the only one to spell, properly, the word "Febyooarry." Lots of people don't know it's got two R's in it.

Well, lookee here. I'm writin' me a treatist about myself. You prolly can only stomach so much of this at one sittin', so I'll continue tomorrow. And don't worry. Some of the stuff I got to say actually IS interesting. I might let you vote on which item it is.

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It's just human nature to want to help people out. You can get food to take out. A lot of guys want to help women out of their clothes. Gays want to get their partners "out." Curt Schilling wants to get Derek Jeter out. You want a hangnail to grow out, not in. I was 86'd once, which is a "throw out." But I never grew any butternut squash.

The Inventor You Know and Love

I know you all remember what a great inventor I am -- inventions I hope will be someday instrumental in my effort to Make My Pile of Cash before I cash in my chips. I mean, I just recently invented the "Shrink-wrapped Budweiser With Bacon Cracklings" and the "Cotton Gin Fizz." And that's just since I got deposited in an Assisted Living Facility (nee Old Farts' Home).

I was a pretty good inventor when I was young, too. For instance, I almost invented the telephone. Officially, Alexander G. Bell invented the telephone. Probably he got all the credit because of the name he come up with: Telephone.

But I shoulda got at least equal billing. What I invented was like Bell's telephone but I attached a long electric cord to the mouthpiece. I named this product "The Walkie a Little Ways and Talkie Thingie."

I guess I gotta admit that "Telephone" had more pizzaz.

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I also was runner-up to Henry Ford, who is credited with inventing "mass production" and/or "the assembly line."

What I invented was just as good, just a little later. It were the "Assembly System Simplified, With Inventory Protected Email."

What prolly did me in was some butthead acronymed me: "A.S.S.W.I.P.E."

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Somebody tipped me to a site that lists the frequency of use of 86,000 words on the Internet. "The" is No. 1. "Fucking" is No. 3048. Which means there are 82,952 less important things than fucking. But 3,047 things MORE important? Not likely.

(This site is G rated. The paragraph above is for educational purposes only, and any Government Agency seeking to deny Ol' Hoss clearance can go to Hades. I didn't say "Hell," because that's a dirty word. And while you're in Hades, go fuck yourself.)

How to Be Funny on the Internet

Since I'm really old, I have to get up about three times during the night to go pee. I probably would raid the refrigerator, except I don't have one here in The Old Folks' Home. So what I do is jot down ideas I had while dreaming -- ideas for my column here on the Internet. I just jot down the main theme, which is proving to be not helpful. Here is what I have written down lately in the wee hours:

"ass kicking ass, donkey softball"
"daylight time, 17-jewel, never on Sunday"
"sell the Gadsden Purchase; wetback"
"resrch, secession from Texas"
"mercury in fish; the whole planet?"

I Googled all these, and Google says they're all new items, available for writing about. If I just knew what they mean.

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I got a new buddy, Tommy Taylor, at www.almostaverage.com, who has come up with the easy way to develop an Internet piece:

"1. Think of something funny.
"2. Write it down.
"3. Copy it to (here he uses the B..g word that I don't permit on this site)
"4. Post it.
"5. Read comments from many laughing readers."

The only place you might get hung up is on No. 1. But feel free to ask Tommy. He's loaded with ideas. Sure he is.

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I guy named Om Malik (as best as I can tell) has written an Internet piece describing something you and I got plenty of: Internet Anxiety Disorder. He says he gets up in the morning to a flood of emails, voice mails and unread posts. He can't get through them all, and wonders: WHAT DID I MISS?

I have a Favorites List that I call up every day. There are 61 of you on it. Which means I am missing the other people who write Internet pieces: 8,939,000 of them. I wonder what they got to say?

"My name is Hoss, and I am Internet Anxiety Disordered."

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Something else I found on the Internet (my last theft for the day): "Practice safe lunch. Use condiments."

We're So Embarrassed

Some of us in The Old Folks' Home were having a Fireside Chat the other day, when Casey Atbat suggested we each tell something about our past. He said, "For instance, we could tell about the most embarrassing thing ever happened to us. That might be interesting. Then again, it might not. But at least it would help pass some minutes before we all start to nod off."

I said, "Well, that's not a bad idea, Casey. Whyn't you go first?"

Casey says: "Oh, I never been embarrassed in all my born days, so I got nothin' to tell. I guess the closest I ever came to being embarrassed was when I was in junior high school and I tried to find out which of the female teachers was putting out. The principal called me into his office, and he was really hacked when he discovered I was a failure, that I hadn't found out who was screwable. He really wanted to know. So that was pretty embarrassing, that I couldn't help him out."

Merle Hertz butts up: "How about you Maude? You ever been embarrassed?"

Maude Frickert: "Oh my yes, and on my wedding night, of all the times to go blushy. It turned out that neither I nor my Caleb knew nothing about that sex thing. So after a bout of examinin' and pokin' and jabbin' and missionary positionin' and anal look-sees, we called the preacher. And I said to his pastorness, 'How do we do this sex business that is supposed to go with weddings and the back seat of a 1937 Packard?'

"Well, the preach showed Caleb, right there in the bedroom, what he was supposed to do. And he said, 'Maude, it has come to pass that Caleb has got a long learning curve, so I will have to show you this instruction again, say every other day for the next year or so. Caleb seems to enjoy watchin', anyway.'

"What was so embarrassing," Maude conclusions, "was that Caleb had such a long learning curve. Even the preacher wasn't that long."

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I read where the Belgian Interior Minister has apologized. It seems that some of his people who were training others in how to decipher "body language" had compared George W. Bush's facial expressions to those of chimpanzees.

Well, I indeed think an apology was in order. Chimpanzees do not have beady eyes.

The History Ace; and All About 'Blogs'

I tried best I could, but I couldn't hide from Feelgood Sockhanes forever. This Old Folks' Home is not all that big. I was tryin' to hide because I knowd he wanted to tell me about Lewis and Clark and their trip to Samoa. I had never heard of such a thing, but Feelgood knows every history ever histed, so he had to tell somebody. Ol' Hoss was it. Tagged.

Feelgood: "See, what happened was Lewis and Clark, bein' inquisitive types, boated to American Samoa in 1801. What they found there was a strait-laced society, not at all like that Free Love paradise what Margaret Mead wrote about."

Hoss: "So, they didn't get laid?"

Feelgood: "Hell, no! Lewis and Clark was as gay as a Maypole. You think they went from 1803 to 1806 without a piece a ass? They got so wrapped up in each other that Sally Hemmings had to invent the Oregon Trail."

(I breathe easy. At last, Feelgood has told me a true story. We learn all about the Oregon Trail in grade school.)

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Just before I fell sick, there seemed to be an incipient movement among us Internet writers to rid outselves of the word "blog." (Well, there were three of us. Enough for Musketeers. You ready for this, Athos?

So today is the last day you will see that fugly word on Old Horsetail's stationery. But what to call these missives? I don't know -- missive, maybe? Or letter, or account, or journal, or diary, or diatribe, or rant, or column?

When I was in the newspaper racket we did have columnists, but they seemed kind of bombastic, fulla hot air, tellin' people "Here's what's best for you, asshole." So I don't call my entries "columns," as I am not so much full of hot air as I am that other commodity you associate me with.

We also had people in the newspaper game who could write a "piece." These were prizes. A piece was reflective, passionate, an elegy, a eulogy, a picture painted with words, the human comedy, the kindly dog, the dog in heat too, I guess.

So in the hereinhereafter, Ol' Hoss will be writin' his piece, every day or two.

(Over at www.zombiepiefight.blogspot.com, the Zombie had something similar to say yesterday, April 7. He called blog "a smelly snatch of a word." And lots of people agreed with him in his comments. Maybe get something done, yet.)

Anyway, I get it over with. For the last time: BL-UGH.

Kick My Damn Ass

A guy like me who lives in an Oldster Folks' Home needs all the help he can get. So I am appreciative of a missive I got from my buddy Lois Lane, who is at Home Fires in my links at left. She's a pistol. Lois was commenting to me on an old crone in my Home that I had to take out with a crossbow (from behind a fern, 20 paces) for being annoying. Lois wrote:

"The lady in your story actually reminded me of the lady who stayed down the hall from my father while he was in the hospital recently. She would call from her room, 'Help. HELP! Please, someone, help me. Anyone there? HELLLOOO? Help.'

"When the nurses checked on her she said, 'Get me the hell out of here or I'll call the police!' They kindly reminded her that she was sick and in need of medical attention. So she busted out with, 'OH HELL! I forgot again! Oh, just kick my ass. KICK MY DAMN ASS for being so stupid.'"

Out of the mouths of old babes....

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Back in the late 1930's and early 40's our country had a thing called "The March of Dimes." It was a fund-raiser to get money for the fight against poliomyelitis. The "March" basically was held on January 30, the birthday of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who was afflicted with polio. Here's what would happen, at least in my hometown of Bend, Oregon:

The mayor would put a dime down on the sidewalk, in this case in front of the local bank. Then other people would put a dime down, making a line of dimes. All day long people would come into town and add a dime. The line of dimes went down the city block, and curled back up to the bank. That's a lot of dimes (and most of them was Mercury heads, which would be worth at least 10 times as much as a dime today).

I am not telling you this boring story for nothing. The thing that was interesting is that NOBODY NEVER EVER STOLE ONE DAMN DIME out of that line of dimes. You try something like that today and the drug crazies would descend with their scoop shovels faster'n you could say Jack Sprat.

Polio has been eradicated in all but six countries. Pretty damn good investment of Ol' Hoss's dime, of which he didn't have a lot. But FDR was my hero. Still is.

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I ate in my room yesterday. It was okay until I got to the chicken, which hadn't been cooked. To spite the chef, I didn't eat it.

A Little Doobie Will Do Ya

We in The Past Our Prime Home have a lot of respect for Dr. Philip Leveque, of Molalla, Oregon, because we have so many aches. Dr. Leveque is known colloquially as "the Marijuana Doctor." Of course he is now a Former Doctor because the dipshits who run the Oregon Medical Society don't know their asscrack from a teakettle.

In Oregon we have what is known here (and in Turkestan, too, I imagine) as the "Medical Marijuana Law." This was put on the ballot by initiative and passed by a real smart electorate. (Oregon also has the nation's only Assisted Suicide Law. We are nothing if not quirky.)

What the Medical Marijuana Law amounts to is you can grow a few marijane plants and smoke them leaves and buds without getting busted if you are in serious pain that regular medicine won't do diddly squat for. One problem is getting seeds, because selling the stuff is NOT lawful. But people who get authority to grow their own weed seem to be managing.

An osteopath, Dr. Leveque had a shingle out saying his practice was "limited to examining patients" who might need doobie as a pain killer. Somewhere around 12,000 people in Oregon have got certificates of doobie worthiness. Dr. Leveque signed over 4,000 of them. Pretty good number, seeing as how Molalla only has a population of 5,700.

It seems, though, that Dr. Phil (hoo boy!) had been taking his show on the road. He would line up a convention center or hotel to examine people for marijuana-easing-pain symptoms. Some of the people lining up had pretty ridiculous hurts, to wit:

"I am sore at my boyfriend for leaving me."
"My boss is a pain in the butt."
"I was at Wounded Knee."
"I am reading the Agony and the Ecstasy."
"I am easily irritated."
"My 99-year-old mother died unexpectedly and I am heart-broken."

I guess the words in bold type were the ones Dr. Phil heard. And they didn't sound so ridiculous to him, so all these people (and thousands more) got certificates to grow Acapulco Gold.

But the Medical Society has jerked Dr. Leveque's license. They noted that only five percent of Oregon doctors have signed EVEN ONE marijuana certificate. And they said one of his patients was a 14-year-old girl (like that was some kind of crime). For crap's sake, 14-year-olds can have the worst pain in the world, like whether to go to the prom with Henry or Jake.

Oh, the anguish. (Phil, send my certificate to Room 111, The Old Folks Home, Salem, Oregon 97304.)

Hoss Gets a Lesson

Now that Pope John Paul has passed away, I guess that leaves me as the only Infallible Person on the planet. So I be sending out a lot of Bless You's today. And Gesundheits, too, for those of you with the sneezies.

If Pope John Paul is going to reincarnate (like Hoss is planning to do), I hope he comes back as a woman. I think he needs more understanding of women and their attitudes toward divorce, abortion and becoming priests. Yes, women should be allowed to be priests, bishops, cardinals, and even Pope.

That be good: Popess Pauline.

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Ah ain gone hitizzle on yr grl fren. Yo momma.

I put that sentence there because I want you to know that Old People in Homes for the Ancient are keeping up with modern linguistics. We wasn't behind the door when the forks were passed out. We are plenty sharp, semantics-wise.

Of course, the problem with that sentence is that, as "newspeak", it's just one more roadblock in the way of Emmygrants from places like Turkey and the Gobble Desert who are trying to learn English. The problem with our language is it has so many idiots. You know what idiots is; that's like when you say "Hit me," you don't mean "Swat me," you mean gimme another card in Blackjack. Maybe it's idioms.

Anyway, for you people who are language-challenged, here's the translation of that sentence above:

Ah ain gone hitizzle on yr grl fren. Yo momma.

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Some time ago I was telling you about the Bulgarian or Hungarian, named Ravil, who taught me a phrase in his language that he said I needed to know while I was working on a road-building crew. Translated, it meant: "Go get me a drink of water." And as the new kid on the block I spent a lot of time getting water for Ravil and his buddies.

At the end of the summer, Ravil said, "Rookie, you did a good job, so I'm going to teach you one more phrase. Here it is: 'Tee eide.' It means 'Go get it yourself.'"

My head puffed up to the size of a Hummer. I was given the Keys to the Kingdom. I could talk back, sass. Hoss rules.

So it was in the fall I went to Willamette University and was inexplicably elected president of the freshman class. If they knowd me they wouldn't a dun it, but nobody knew nobody, so it came to pass.

The class had one meeting, which consisted entirely of me announcing: "We are full students here. We are not second class. We will NOT be wearing these damn beanies a minute later!" Hoss Rules.

I got back to my fraternity house full of piss and vinegar, head the size of a Mack truck. Some upperclassmen jumped me, threw me in a cold shower, tossed in my beanie and said, "You be wearing that when you come out, and it better be dry."

I spent 30 minutes in there, wavin' that beanie and blowin' hot breath on it, and finally escaped to my room.

Freshmen look good in beanies.

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When countries like Bulgaria cease to exist, do the Bulgarians cease to exist, too? Or do they become Irish so's they can be Massachusetts politicians who drink green beer on March 17? If it was me, I think I'd turn into a Mormon. There's lots of good things can be said for polygamy.

The Observant Hoss, and Hannibal

You know how us scientist types love to experiment. So it was that I spent Saturday in the gentlemen's convenience at the local Greyhound station, doing some work for my sociology treatiste doctorage. All day Saturday. What I'm doing there is testing my powers of observation, of which I got plenty.

When the men passengers would come into the pottyhouse to relieve theyselves, I would check out their package. To about every ninth one I would say: "My guess is you're traveling with a guy who's a smoker." And EVERY time I was right. One of these bozos finally screwed up enough courage to say: "That's right, but how did you know?"

And Hoss says, "You got nicotine stains on your thang."

(I gotta get over my fixation on tobacco.)

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We got us one of those child prodigals here in The Home for Old People, name of Feelgood Sockhanes. Well, he's not a child; he's 84. But he can't tie his own shoes, and can't feed himself proper. Peas just roll off his knife, down his chest and on the floor. He's got three times the number of carpet beetles under his chair than I have.

But Feelgood is a history freak. He know every piece of history ever histed. So this morning he drops a pearl on me.

Feelgood: "Hoss, you remember the story of Hannibal crossing the Alps?"

Hoss: "Why, yes, Mr. Sockhanes, I think about that every day."

Feelgood: "Well, you probably got it down pat wrong. It weren't Hannibal at all, it were his brother Lecter. And you prolly didn't know that on the way up the Alps Lecter's men got sore hungry, so Lecter strangled three elephants with his bare hands and bare teeth to get enough blubber to feed the troops."

Hoss: "That the end of the story?"

Feelgood: "Well, except for when they locked Lecter up in the Looney Bin. Everybody knows you can't get blubber off an elephant."

Feelgood: "Remind me to tell you sometime about Lewis and Clark and the studies they did in Samoa."

How Hoss Became a Weiser Guy

I had high hopes that the IRS would be different than the regular old government agency. The IRS I used to know was staffed with gentle, caring people, kind to a fault. But these new guys are nothing but goddamn bumble-dicking government dumb butts, sticking it to Old People in the Old Folks' Home.

What happened is that word of my $3 billion windfall from my buddy Bill Gates leaked out, and the IRS went for blood. Since I got that $3 billion in just one day, the IRS figures that I make that much EVERY day. So they got me down as making $1,095,000,000,000 a year. For you non-math types, that's a lot of money.

They not only took the $3 billion, but I am now in arrears, tax-wise. Fortunately, I was able to stuff my new gravestone into my shorts, so they didn't get that.

So, it's back to Making My New Pile. Which I desperate need. First thing you know I'll be 90 and only worth a million bucks, which ain't enough these days to get yourself cremated and scattered on the moon. Which I don't plan to do, but maybe I get my bones and my jones fired into a black hole, see what happens. I'll wave hello to Hubble on my way out.

As usual, I guess if I'm going to get rich I'll have to invent something, which comes easy for Ol' Hoss, like cold yogurt sliding off a hot watermelon.

So here's what I done. I done filed for my copyfranklloydwright and my patent pendergast on "Shrink-Wrapped Budweiser and Chips." Hey, this isn't funny.

Here's what it is (I can tell now that my pendergast is on file): You make up a bunch of bottles out of bacon cracklings, then fill 'em with Bud. Then you cap 'em and shrink-wrap 'em to keep the flavor in. Then when somebody gets a Bud they peel back the wrap, drink Bud and nibble on the cracklings till the whole thing is gone. Hoo boy! No recycling.

I won't hold the Budweiser people for ransom on this. I figure a penny a bottle royalty would be sufficient to bring me in some chump change, maybe $100,000 a day.

Might make enough to fly a lot of us to Andromeda. Might go south instead. I never been to Australia.

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Back when I was telling you about nursery rhymes, in an earlier piece, I guess I forgot my alltime favorite:

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Cinderella sat on his face."

Damn! I guess that don't rhyme, after all.

Making My Pile, Part 3

People in an Old Folks' Home (Tertiary Division) like me, have way too much time on our hands. For instance, lately I've found myself wondering:

Is the Southern Cross a punch by a left-handed boxer?

Is the Rapper 50-cent only twice as big as a quarter?

Are 4 rufous hummingbirds twice as big as 2 tons of cow plop?

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Okay, here we go with Part 3 of How I'm Gonna Get Rich off Ol' Hoss's Slave Labor Camp and Riding Academy. I think I'll set up the Riding Academy as a non-profit (which it won't be) corporation, because I'm going to need a tax dodge or two, what with all the money I'll be making.

Naturally I will have to get me a horse to fulfill the Riding Academy part of my DBA, but that would be okay. We've got about an acre of land outside our backdoor filled with bunch grass and dandelions so the beast will have plenty to eat. And here's how we can make some subterranean money on the deal:

First, I'll grind up all the horse apples and sell 'em for mulch. $4.50 a bag, easy.

Second, I'll get me some of those coin-operated binoculars like you see at Niager Falls and install 'em on the decks outside the second and third floors of this place. That way, the old women could put in their quarters for 5 minutes at a time and marvel at the size of that horse's wang all they want.

Benefit to Residents: Sex education.
Benefit to Hoss: $125-4,000 a month (depends on size of horse's wang).

Now, for the sum of the summation:

There are at least 70 of these Assisted Living Facilities in Oregon. By my calculations (unerring), if I took 'em all over I could haul in $4,284,125 A MONTH!

Now, here's the bad news for you investors. My buddy Bill Gates has been reading this right along with me as I type (Microsoft knows everything, just like God), and he has decided to pay me $3 billion for my idea. So you're out, and he's in.

I certainly ought to have enough, now, to buy a decent headstone.

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I've told some of you that I got me a great reincarnatin' plan. Well, I really don't, because I haven't settled on what I want to come back as. I don't want to come back as a horsetail or a snake. And the first smartfuck who says I'll come back as a horse's ass is going to be permanently banned from this site. I got pull with Internet people.

Maybe I'll come back as a banana slug. They's pretty, like me.