Short Shrift Saturday #29

I flew from Phoenix to Portland on Wednesday along with an Indian lady who had one of those red thingies on her forehead. I said, "What's that?" And she said, "It's a red thingie."

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Signs you are getting old:

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now you won't wear out.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You don't remember being absent minded.

You have a party and the neighbors don't realize it.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

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My favorite word today is diet. N., who was this Atkins guy? Def.: A generally hopeless plan for testing your will power.

Deep Out of the Heart of Texas

While in Texas I didn't get close to Crawfish, where the President lives. But he continued to impress me:

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." --May 5, 2006.

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel." --May 4, 2006.

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German poet Heinrich Heine died. He left his entire estate to his wife -- if she would remarry, so there would be "at least one man to regret my death."

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If you want to crack up, go here, where you can discover that 5x5 is 14. I lifted this from Cascokat.

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I wish you a Merry Fartmas. Great video, except it's a stinkeroo.

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My favorite word today is chastity. N., you want a belt with that? Def.: The least practiced of the sexual perversions.

Just Passing These Along

Here are a couple of stories from my new buddy Peskie, who is a brother to Ozguru.

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend Bill. "My wife hasn't spoken to me for six months."

Bill thought for a moment, then replied: "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Good wives like that are hard to find."

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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop whjere two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why, what for?" says the other. "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him a damn bit of good."

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A very unattractive, nasty woman walks into Wal-Mart, beating on her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "Hell, no. The oldest one is 9 and the younger one is 7. Why? Do you really think they look alike?"

"Oh, no," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

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My favorite phrase today is in conclusion. Adj., I knew this would come to an end. Def.: The audience's alarm clock.

Never Let It Be Said

Some things about some other people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is, where the hell is yours? Do you point at your crotch when you ask where the restroom is?

2. People who will search the entire room for the remote because "it's too far" to walk to the TV and change the station manually.

3. When people watching a film say, "Did you see that?" No, half-deck, I spent $12 so I could come stare at the floor.

4. When people say "Life is short".... What the hell? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does.

5. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?" Yes, dumbass, and it left me standing here. Idiot.

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Sitting behind some nuns at a baseball game, three men decided their habits were blocking the view. So they tried some insults to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy says, "I'm going to move to Montana. There are only 100 nuns in Montana."

The second guy joins in. "I'm moving to Utah. There are only 50 nuns in Utah."

And the third agrees. "I'm going to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns in Idaho."

One of the nuns turns, smiles sweetly, and says, "Why don't you go to Hell. There are no nuns there."

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My favorite word today is drama. N., it ain't funny, McGee. Def.: Your life after you have taken out all the dull parts.

There's No Pun Like an Old Pun

Three vampires go into a bar. The first vampire says, "I vould like a blood." The second vampire says, "I vould like a blood." But the third vampire says, "I vould like a plasma."

So the bartender says, "Let me get this straight: You want two bloods and a blood light?"

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On her way home from the grocery store, the little old lady stops at Nathan Hale's Used Cars, and she is waited on by Nathan himself.

They look for awhile, and finally she decides she wants a Plymouth Fury, but not white like the one she is looking at.

"Well, what color would you like? Red, I have one of those. I can get you one in blue. What will it be?"

The lady reaches into her bag, pulls out an ear of corn, strips the husk and says, "There, I want a car that color."

"I'm sorry, ma'am," says Nathan. "But the Fury doesn't come in that color. You can have red, black, white, blue, almost anything else."

This severely hacks the woman off, for she wants what she wants. She is so peeved she starts throwing vegetables at poor old Nathan, who runs for his life.

Another customer sees this and asks the bookkeeper what was going on. The bookkeeper says, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn."

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Pretty soon it will be Sunday, when God rests and everybody else has to play golf.

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My favorite word today is jury. N., 12 man women good and true. Def.: Persons chosen to determine who has the better lawyer. --Robert Frost.

Strange Goings on in the Texas Nation

See, in Texas, women work outside the home. Then they do all the cooking, laundering, washing, child-rearing and toenail trimming. But this is okay because men are busy with the golf and resting up from having to work to bring home almost as much money as the women.

This is NOT TRUE in the household where I am presently immersed. Walt -- Tisha's husband -- is an excellent husband and provider and child-rear. But it is true in every other household, where they got names like Bubba and Boy John and Jim Bob Hambleton, who will sell you some insurance.

Walt took me golfing today -- he golfed and I watched. The boy needs some lessons. Not in golf. In driving. He goes so fast down the highway I barely have time to think about what we're seeing. Like, Red Haven Lumber, whose sales office is made of brick.

So there is an election going on here. It is different than in Oregon, where the top vote-getter in the primary is the party's candidate in the fall election. Here, if you don't get 50.+ percent in the primary you have a runoff. So Walt's dad, Larry Cowling, is in a runoff with Carolyn Coleman for state representative. The election is Tuesday.

Now all of you know I am not much on prayer. However, that only applies to me, not to you. So if you got any prayers on you, send one up for Larry. It isn't that Carolyn is bad; she is just not as good. Even if she does do floors.
Larry took me out for dinner. I had frog legs and Rocky Mountain Oysters.*

(*I didn't want to put in this post what Rocky Mountain Oysters are, because a lot of little kids read this b**g. So that's why I am not telling you that Rocky Mountain Oysters are calf nuts.)

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My favorite word today is brassies. N., no, that's not even close. Def.: The way Tisha pronounces the place we are going for dinner, which is Bryce's.

Short Shrift Saturday #28

Here I am in the country of Texas enjoying the hell out of the little ones. Tisha and Walt's kids -- Lucas and Carli -- are 6 and 8. I had forgotten how much fun little kids can have and be.

This is Tisha's 37th birthday. She is being much loved.

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Two women friends had gone for a night out. Both were very faithful, loving wives, but they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she just took off her panties and used those. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive pair of panties and didn't want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she wiped with that.

The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet, innocent wife was still in bed, hung over. So he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station...We'll never forget you.'"

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My favorite word today is conciousness. N., are you in there? Def.: That annoying period between naps.

And, Boy, You Have Earned This

To: Seniors of Schlotz High School

From: Ol' Hoss

Howdy, Bubs. The chairman of your School Board has asked me to speak to you on your gradation night, on accounta I am one of the leaking graduates. Hardly nobody has topped what I done since I gradually gradated. But no matter how many good things I have done in the area of dung beetles and buttcrack, this is about you'uns. So listen up.

Firstly, I seen you have sweated through 12 years of pubic school so as to get on with your life. So you done good. Let me give you some statiticians: 63 percent of you never thought you would get this far. 37 percent of you didn't. That adds up to 100 percentages if you are keeping score.

28 percent of the remaindering of you say you are going on to college. That is a worthwhile endiver...endovering...endevur thing. I want to warn you, though, that all is not peaches and sour cream at the collegial level. No, see, they have these classes that sometimes start at 8 a.m. and you don't want none of that, prolly. No, better you stay home and work at the Burger King or Sid's Mouldings which has different hours, such as 9, 11 and 14.

I think that was secondly and thirdly.

Fourthly, you wanna decide which way to go. There is a lot of discussion about sex in the Capitol (gays vs. straights, etcetera) but you need to decide for yourself. See, you can be heterosexual, unisexual, bisexual, multisexual, gay, lesbian or even get a sex change. Anyway, it's time to quit experimenting and pick one.

Now then, fifthly, this will be good news. Effective right after gradation you can go ahead and screw the teacher. See, she won't be your boss no more so there is nothing wrong-headed about it. (Oh, hoo boy, I said "head." Ho ho har de har har.)

Let us pray.

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My favorite word today is shortcut. N., I've never gone this way before. Def.: When did they put that fence in here?

Is This It? The Cure for the Common Buttcrack?

Sort of at the time you read this I will be in the air, heading back to Texas. I am going to visit my buddy Tisha, because she has such a lovely south-of-the-mouth accent.

Oh, and by the way, I tried commenting many times yesterday, but yesterday is also when B**gger was doing maintenance. So, summing up, here is my comment for your pieces yesterday: "Not bad. Needs work."

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Once again, I don't remember who sent me here, but THANKS. "Here" is where I am going to send you, because this is a video that may cure man's worst affliction: Asscrack. Kindly click on Crack Spackle, and enjoy the show.

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Look at this little picture I stole from Pointmeister, Mike Ashley. As any fool can plainly see, the need for Crack Spackle is indeed high. But I am wondering this: What if I gave everybody a couple of dung beetles? Then when you see buttcrack you drop a beetle down into the slot and let him go to work. Hoo boy, I would love to see this.

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You know you are getting old when...

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your children are looking middle-aged.

Your knees buckle but your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak -- and they stay there.

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

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My favorite word today is flashlight. N., I can see clearly now. Def.: Where you keep your dead batteries.

Nor Any Drop to Drink

The 92-year-old lady goes into the bar and orders "a Scotch and one drop of water." She says to the barkeep, "It's my birthday."

She drinks up, and the guy on the next stool says, "Hey, since it's your birthday, have one on me." So she says to the barkeep: "A Scotch, with one drop of water."

A fella down at the end of the bar hears it's her birthday, and orders another drink for her. She says: "A Scotch, with one drop of water."

The bartender says, "Excuse me ma'am, I've served a lot of funny drinks, but never with just one drop of water. What's the story?"

The lady says, "I'm 92, so you know I learned how to hold my liquor. But I could never hold my water."

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The Marx brothers did this:

What has a trunk but no key, weighs 3,000 pounds, and lives in a circus?
That's irrelevant.
Relephant! That's right.
That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
That's fine. I'll take some.
Some what?
Eliminate. A nice cold glass of eliminate.

That was from the comments section of Miss Cellania. This is from herself:

Bessie, an inmate of an old folks' home, runs into the lounge and yells:

"Whoever can guess what I've got in my hand can have sex with me tonight."

Albert pipes up: "An elephant?"

Bessie ponders. "Close enough."

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Somebody (I should write this stuff down) challenged me to make "decider" my favorite word. No sooner said, than:

My favorite word today is decider. N., plenipotentiary. Def.: What you make when you press de apples.

Strange Things Abound

I have seen other b**ggers write about "Six Strange Things About Me." Hah! I can do that. How about 60? Okay: Six.

1. I love dung beetles. The reason for this is quite simple: Dung beetles are to shit what I am to fudgesicles -- so, you see, we both enjoy our work. Besides that, they helped me clean up after the dog, when I had a dog.

2. I wear mail-order clothes. We have plenty of stores in town that sell shoes and shorts and shirts and T-shirts and pants and hankies and stuff like that. BUT IT DOESN'T COME BY MAIL!! Everybody knows that getting something in the mail is the greatest fun since chopped butter.

3. My grandson sucks. This is my step-grandson, Jordan, who is taller than me, stronger than me, smarter than me and prettier than me. So, he sucks. So would all of you people who are taller, stronger, smarter and prettier -- but, of course, there aren't any.

4. My granddad was a preacher. I've told you about this before. He was actually a great preacher, full of fire and brimstone. You did not want to be thinking about hell on his watch. Now that he's gone it is safe for me to be an atheist. Even in a foxhole.

5. My work was for nothing. One summer when I was about 19, I got a job with the lumber mill plucking rocks out of the road they had built at Pine Mountain, east of Bend. The next year, they decided that having rocks in the road gave it a good base, so they hired a trucker to bring some in. That was okay by me; I had a soft job over in the valley.

6. I like capital punishment. I know, I know. A liberal like me is supposed to be against killing people. I can't help myself. When I think of some arsehole killing a baby for no good reason, I think: Well, let's off that dude and we'll have one less bastard to worry about. I wouldn't kill ALL the killers, just some of 'em. I guess I could take applications?

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My favorite word today is insurance. N., oh I love for somebody to sell me some. Not. Def.: The only thing that makes death worthwhile.

Let's Not Fight Like Brothers, OK?

Two arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was getting settled in when the arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a Coke." The Marine said, "Oh, don't get up. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When he returned, the other arab said, "That looks really good. I think I'll go get one." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped into his shoes. And he knew immediately what had happened.

The Marine says, "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This spitting in shoes? This pissing in Cokes?"

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Dear Friends and Volunteers:

I have the privilege of being in charge of raising money for a monument of George Dubya Bush. And I am proud to report success.

We are placing this monument near the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been -- and the best thing of all: he did it on other people's money.

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My favorite word today is religions. N., fee fie fo fum. Def.: Things that are all basically founded on guilt but with different holidays.

Short Shrift Saturday #27

So the cowboy goes into a bar in Dodge City and orders a drink. Bartender says, "Haven't seen you afore. You must be new in town." Cowboy admits that is so, and the bartender says, "You might want to just keep on goin', 'cause the Brown Paper Gang is hanging around these parts."

"Brown Paper Gang?" queries the cowboy. "Why do they call them that?"

"Well, see," says the barkeep, "they got brown paper hats, brown paper saddles, and brown paper chaps. The sheriff and two or three posses are out lookin' for 'em right now."

"What is this Brown Paper Gang wanted for?" asks the cowpuncher.

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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My favorite word today is memory. N., are made of this. Def.: What you forget with.

Some People Spell it 'mAUDLEYn'

And so it was just like my Mom said: Magdalene College in Cambridge, England, is pronounced "Maudlin." Take that, Thesaurus.

See, in the dictionary it says "maudlin, adj., self-pityingly or tearfully sentimental." And it adds that this comes from Mary Magdalen, who is often pictured weeping. Just think of it!! There I was in Da Vinci Code and didn't even know it!

Now then, what I did was appeal to my buddy over in London, Huw, to whom I posed the question: "How do you pronounce Magdalene, as in Magdalene College?" And he said it is indeed "Maudlin," perhaps because the founder of the college was a gent named Audley, whose name was writ thus by waggish scribes at his school: mAUDLEYn. Which obviously is pronounced Maudlin. And then Huw said the same is true of Magdelen College in Oxford ("What is good for Cambridge is good for Oxford," you see).

I learned this pronounciation from reading my Mom's research into the history of the Maudlin family, which was started in North Carolina by a man named Ezekiel. (You suppose this is the guy with the wheel? Nah...).

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Speaking of spelling, this is in my Sunday comics:

"I heard Swish mountain climbers Yoda atop the Alfs, climbed the Egyptian Pyrenees, and I walked along the Great Mall of China."

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If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. (No, I can't remember where I got this.)

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My favorite word today is window. N., I can see right through you. Def.: What men come back with when sent window shopping.

How Perfect Is This?

'Tis the first of June and time for slipping you my Perfect Post award from May. Which goes to Ann Arbor, once again, only this time to Big Dave. This is my environmentally challenged buddy who believes yard work is for sissies. However, he does not take the easy way out and claim he doesn't mow because of allergies. No, Ol' Dave is far too subtle for that. Go see.

Perfect Post is a device invented by Momma K and Lucinda so some of us can show our love for exceptional writing. Glad to do it.

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There is a new b**gger on the block, name of Raggedy, who amuses me with this homily about Big Ernie:

"May God bless those who love us.
"And for those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
"And for those whose hearts cannot be turned,
"May God turn their ankles
"So that we may know them by their limping."

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Rabbit! Rabbit! According to the Pez family, including my sister Lucy, if you say Rabbit! Rabbit! on the first of each month, you will have good luck all month long. None of my rabbits has been as cute as this one; probably it is good for 7 years' worth of luck.

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You wanna have some fun, you go visit Steve Martin, who has a magic act that will have you laughing long.

(I stole this from Miss Cellania, who doesn't care because she had it first.)

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A 5-year-old girl is showing Grandpa a drawing she made of her new sister.

Grandpa: "That's nice, but you didn't put in any nose, eyes or mouth."

The Girl: "I don't know her that well."

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My favorite phrase today is "Standing on the Promises." N., let me count the ways. Def.: Favorite hymn of your neighborhood politician.

I Am All Eek About This Freak!

Well, I can see that my campaign to eliminate Buttcrack is a loser. A sore loser.

This here fella is known as Moonerboy, for he moons the world. I have seen pictures of him mooning Big Ben, the Notre Dame Cathedral, Westminster (right), the Olympic Stadium in Montreal, the Coliseum in Rome, the Picadilly Circus in London, dope-smokers in Holland and feta cheese freaks in Greece.

We must thank Miss Cellania for calling our attention to this ass (ho ho har de har har).

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An elephant goes into a piano bar and orders a drink. The piano player starts playing a slow-tempo blues song. The elephant breaks into giant tears.

"What's the matter, Old Soak?" asks the piano player. "Don't you like the blues?"

"Oh, it isn't that," says the elephant. "It's just that I recognize some of the keys."

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Last week, Kristy, of Tacoma, WA, paid me a most honorable mention by coming to my favorite watering hole (The Alibi Inn) for a meet and greet. What a doll!

We had Alibi chicken, Jo-Jos and beer. Nobody needs anything else. And it turns out Kristy is a Salem, OR, girl who once worked at a local fruit/vegetable packing plant. (Everybody in Salem has worked at the cannery once or twice.)

So she was going to email me a picture, but she didn't. So I swiped this one off her site. As she says, "Hoss is the pretty one."

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My favorite word today is wet. Adj., singing in the rain. Def.: What the spot is made of.

Dr. Seuss and Other People

Y'all know my buddy Dennis, whose monicker is Follow That Star? He's an engineer turned hairdresser, and a Texan turned Coloradan, and a good guy turned into a good guy. Anyway, here he is at work.

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Y'all know Dr. Seuss? Here he is, with computer problems:

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distored by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

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You know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do.

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Here's one from my buddy Peskie:

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off limits for male students, and the male dorm is off-limits for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180."

A young man raises his hand: "How much for a season pass?"

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My favorite word today is champagne. N., that tickles my nose. Def.: A make-believe ache.

Feelgood Helps Me Out With Father's Day

Feelgood Haines: "Sonora Dodd, of eastern Washington state."

Hoss: "Huh?"

Feelgood: "That's who it was, who invented Father's Day, way back in Nineteen Hundred Ought Nine. You didn't know that, did you?"

Hoss: "I could have got along without it."

Feelgood: "Listen, Bub, you need to know these things in case somebody asks. See, there she was, in church, listening to a sermon about Mothers, and she starts thinking about Fathers. Twisted little bitch, huh?"

Hoss: "I guess there's no mail. See you later, Feelgood."

Feelgood: "Oh, just hold on, Fruitcake. I ain't done. Sonora thinks it would be great to have a Father's Day, so she promotes it. Now Hallmark and Whitman's Sampler got their lobbyists to work opposing it on accounta they would have to gear up for a big day right after Mother's Day and it sounded like work. But a course they was overruled by people who had Fathers so now the haberdashers can get rid of all their ties. William Smart."

Hoss: "Uh, William Smart?"

Feelgood: "That was the father of Sonora Dodd. About whom somebody wrote the Big Ernie's Prayer, which I will now expound to you:

"Our father, who art in heaven,
Big Ernie be thy name.
Thy nine iron sucks.
But your tee time is nigh, and Hay-sus awaits on the first tee.
Give us this day our 18 holes,
And forgive us a few swear words,
As we forgive those who nudge their score.
And lead us not to overstay the 19th hole,
So the old lady won't be evil. So it goes."

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My favorite word today is stalemate. N., no winner here, folks. Def.: A husband who has seen better days.

Short Shrift Saturday #26

From an insurance company report:

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident and damage my big end."

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From a church bulletin: Members of the "Little Mothers Club" will meet at 2 p.m. Wednesday. Anyone wishing to become a "Little Mother" should see the pastor.

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Aging is not for sissies.

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Everybody here in this Old Folks Home has a black book. Every name has an M.D. after it.

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Old trombonists never die. They just slide away.

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A tribute to me: I am the ball bearing of life.

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Today I am 75 and 238/365ths of the way toward my Salmon Day. That's when, after swimming upstream all my life, I kick the bucket.

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My favorite phrase today is Asia Minor. N., you Turkey, you. Def.: A young Oriental.

This Is Only My Second Rant

Hoo boy. I am seeing Ireland and Iraq and Israel and Palestine all over again. Here. In the US of A. I am thinking I am going to rant, but maybe not.

Let's see. What the deal is, is something called the "new" religious left. This is the organized/- unorganized spiritualists who are opposing the religious right.

Okay, what we got here is this. Religious Right: No abortion, no marriages except one man, one woman. Religious Left: Environment, peace, love thy neighbor. Plus which, of course, the Religious Left is FOR abortion and could care less about who marries whom.

Here is what hacks me off: Why does religion have any place in this place?

Just look at what it has done to the Irish, the Iraqis, and the Israelis/Palestinians. Difference in religion has meant shoot your neighbor.

So is this what it's about to become here in the US of A?

Nah. We're too funny:

When you think about criticizing somebody, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize somebody you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.

If at first you don't succeed, lay off the sky diving.

All of this is according to Big Ernie, featured in a Jesus film near you.

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My favorite word today is laughter. N., ho ho har de har har. Def.: An instant vacation. --Milton Berle.

Things That Go Bump

This here pitcher was sent to me by Georgie Dubya, askin' whether I thot this might be a good catchem for Mexicans. I said I thot a burrito work better, esp. if it filled with chicken. Mexicans don't get a lot of chicken. Mosley beans. But I spose imgrants purty hongry, so fill 'em burrito with beans prolly work right smart.

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Over at Peter's Place you will find a cure for this. "This," of course, is the national disease known as Buttcrack, which I am personally campaigning against.

See, Peter has found a company that is making whiz-bang shorts for men that can't possibly be used to show Buttcrack, which is a relief to my mind. You trot right over there and see.

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Hey, Peter, you ever see this one? Ho ho har de har har. I got a million.

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A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret for a long happy life."

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."

"My goodness," says she. "So how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he says.

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My favorite word today is download. N., keep your computer hummin'. Def.: What you do in the bathroom.

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Peckers

George W. Bush walked into a curio shop in Galveston. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner of the shop and asked its price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat," he said. "But $100 if you bring it back."

George ponied up the $12, knowing he was not going to bring it back.

As he walked down the street carrying his new rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of sewers and alleys and joined him. This was disconcerting, so he walked faster. Within a couple of blocks the group of rats behind him had grown to the hundreds.

Dubya trotted faster towards the Harbor. He looked behind him and saw that the rats now numbered in the hundreds of thousands. And all were coming after him, squealing. Terrified, he ran to the end of the Harbor and threw the rat into the sea.

Amazingly, the rats jumped into the water after it, and all were drowned. George then walked back to the curio shop and confronted the owner, who said: "Aha! You're bringing it back!"

"Actually, no," said Dubya. "What I came back for was to see how much you wanted for that little bronze Mexican statue over there."

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A sign in Germany's Black Forest:

"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

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My favorite word today is tact. N., I am so clever. Def.: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. --Abraham Lincoln.

And a Tip of the Hat to My New Sister

I have recently acquired a sister, Tan Lucy Pez. This came about because I declared Brother's and Sister's Day and she didn't have any. She had three sisters, but all have passed on, which causes scientists to say "so sad." Go visit Lucy. She's a pistol.

So, anyway, Lucy and I have paired up. She doesn't look anything like me, but we both are real pretty. And now I am uncle to three gorgeous daughters of Lucy. Hot damn.

Sister Lucy has sent me a tome-like thing that I will now share with you. It is a list of 1960's artists with new titles to their hits so as to accommodate aging people like me:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

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My favorite word today is hangover. N., pounding, pounding. Def.: The wrath of grapes.

Christ, the Infiltrator

It is helpful to be old. Then you can look way back and rip off a buddy of yours for a story about all the kooks running for President in 1976:

--Ernest Wayne Whitford of California, who advocated a national health program to end constipation, which he called "the number one cause of illness in America."

--Ira R. Waggoner of Illinois, whose platform was to tow icebergs to California, melt them and use the water to irrigate American deserts.

--Don DuMont of Chicago, who plans to "infiltrate" Christ into government and who began his presidential campaign by diving into a swimming pool "to symbolize diving into the presidential swim."

--Robert L. Kelleher of Billings, Montana, who forecast the coming end of the world by running as the candidate of "The Committee to Elect the Last President."

--The Rev. James Allen Burner of West Virginia, who listed as one of his qualifications for President a 1965 appearance on "Candid Camera."

--Paul T. Lanyhow, home unknown, who ran under an assumed name "because my real name wouldn't mean anything to anyone." Among his planks was to restore patriotism by requiring everybody to get a Marine haircut, including women.

--Robert J. Roosevelt, from "somewhere back East," whose campaign slogan, naturally, was "Elect Roosevelt in 1976." He said he was a relative of TR, FDR, William McKinley and U.S. Grant, and he urged supporters to "contribute generously at once, because threats and terrorism have made it necessary for me to cancel my fund-raising dinners.

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My favorite word today is strength. N., he-man, he-woman. Def. The ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces and then eat just one of the pieces. (--Judith Viorst)

Short Shrift Saturday #26

So this dude goes to a working cattle ranch, and he is going to be "macho man." He goes for a walk with a genuine cowboy to see the sights. And remarks, "Hey, there's a big bunch of cows."

"Herd of cows," says the cowboy.

"Heard what?" says the dude.

"Herd of cows," responds the cowboy.

"Sure I've heard of cows," says Macho Man. "There's a big bunch of them right over there."

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My favorite words today are Taco Bell. N., wait for it. Def.: A Mexican telephone company.

Let Doctor Hoss Be Your Guide

Dear Doctor Hoss:

I met this man at a singles bar and he seemed really nice. So now we live together. Only now he says he misses his girlfriend, and so he wonders if she can move in too. What should I do? --Thinking in South Dakota.

Dear Thinking: Send me nude pictures of both you and the girlfriend. There may be a chance for both of you at my house. Please remit $30.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

I've always enjoyed the circus, so I went the other day. Well, what with one thing and another, the owner offered to hire me to ride the elephant in their parades. I would love to do it, but elephants give me hives. Should I offer to ride something else? --Nervous in North Dakota.

Dear Nervous: No, ride the elephant. Also, send me $19.95 for my hives remover salve.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

Sometimes people don't even seem to know or care if I am alive. I was standing in line at the movies and two people walked on my feet and didn't even excuse themselves. That very same day my best friend snubbed me and my child's teacher sent a note home TO HER FATHER. What do I do to let people know I am alive? --Ignored in Ypsilanti.

Dear Ignored: Don't pay any bills. But since I know you're alive, send me $48.50.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

There is this gentleman I know in an "old folks' home" who is supremely dirty. I don't think he has bathed for a month, yet he insists on hugging everybody he can get close to. Is there anything I can do? --Questions in Salem.

Dear Questions: Free advice: Stay away from me.

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My favorite word today is quarterback. N., no, you'll have to guess again. Def.: A miniscule refund from Dell.

Back When You and I Were Young

Don't this just make you hungry?

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Highway supervisors in Los Angeles are going with technology to solve the traffic problems. They are going to put sensors in the streets, and sensors in the cars. Then you just get in your car, say where you want to go, and -- bam! -- you're there, no problems. Sort of like a bus.

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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on Charlie taxiway! Your turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but try to get it right."

Continuing her rage, she shouted hysterically: "God, you have screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect specific instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

And then an unknown pilot broke the silence, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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My favorite word today is victim. N., poor baby. Def.: A person to whom shit happens.

I Declare This to Be 'Brother's Day'

Or, it could be "Sister's Day." Just as long as it's one or the other, or better yet, both.

See, I don't have (any more) a mother or father, so that leaves me with nobody to say nice things about. You people with mothers and fathers get to say all kinds of nice things ("taught me everything I know"; "taught me stuff I didn't want to know", etc.). Now then, if we had a Brother's and Sister's Day, most of the rest of us could roll out our platitudes.

My brother, Richard Lee Maudlin (aka Dick Maudlin), is entirely worthy of praise. For one thing, he used to write on our little church envelopes his name: "Dick the P." I giggled every time he did it.

Another time, some neighborhood acquaintance wanted Dick and me (ages 7 and 6) to take down a neighborhood bully and make him say uncle. So we squared off. The bully had me in a bad way, but brother Dick was on his back, pulling his hair. So he "uncled," and we each got 5 cents for a fudgesicle. (Big money in 1936.)

When we were about 11 and 10 and visiting our Grandfather down in New Pine Creek, we went fishing in Lily Lake. I caught a fat 12-inch rainbow but couldn't seem to haul it in. My brother stepped in the water, grabbed the fish and took it up above an old downed Ponderosa pine. You got a brother who will walk in the water for you?

In high school there was a thing called the Grahlman Award. It was given to the senior who was judged best in his class in football, basketball and track. No student had ever won in two different sports; my brother was judged best in ALL THREE. You got a brother who walks on water?

Except for mostly some broken attempts at a higher education in Eugene and Salem, my brother went back to Bend and lived there the rest of his life. He retired, then decided to run for County Commissioner. He had never run for much of anything. But it was almost no contest, two elections in a row. I think he cures people, too.

Now Dick has some form of cancer. He's in the second round of chemotherapy. Naturally, he's winning. He always won.

Happy Brother's Day, Dick.

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My favorite word today is solutions. N., liquidity. Def.: The reason there are problems.

There's Always a Solution

Holy hot streak! The temperature here yesterday was 95 degrees -- seven degrees higher than the previous record for the day.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know. I've never seen such ineptitude."

Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's ask him.....Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're really slow."

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime."

Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I am going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Can't these guys play at night?"

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The French will eat almost anything. So a young cook decided to raise rabbits and sell them to the finer restaurants in Paris. He looked and looked for a site to raise the rabbits but was not successful until an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory.

So he raised a bunch of rabbits and started in selling them. One day a restaurant owner asked where he got such fresh rabbits.

"I raise them myself, near the cathedral," the man replied. "I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

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My favorite word today is diets. N., I am SO losing this. Def.: You go on multiples because one isn't enough food.

Zippity Do-Dah

Gack! I just discovered it is going to be eighty-eight (88) degrees here today. Shoo fly pie and apple pan dowdy.

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I have tried and tried to stamp out the word b**g; you know that. I have tried and tried to stamp out butt-crack; you also know that. I also have tried and tried to stamp out the use of the word f**k; you know that very well.

None of this has worked; therefore, I am going to Make My Pile and move to Wales, where they have a different stupid language so you never know what the hell is going on but at least it won't be b**g, butt-crack or f**k. Here is how I am going to Make My Pile:

Treachery.

If that doesn't work, I will try

Guile.

Or,

Deceit.

The way this is going to work is that I will get my buddy Bill Gates involved. This is going to be like taking candy from a baby. You know Gates doesn't have any smarts or he would have bought Google a long time ago. I think I will tell him to just give me the money so I don't have to cheat him out of it. I would hate to make him look like a sap.

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I know it is WAY past Easter, but I just now found out a way to bring you this Easter Egg Roll. So now am I forgiven?

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My favorite word today is head. N., not the Navy kind. Def.: A funnel to the stomach.

Short Shrift Saturday #25

A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He got toward the end of the second street and saw a man out gardening. He asked, "Who's the boss around here?"

The man replied, "I am."

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which would you prefer?"

The man thought for a minute, and said, "The black one."

The man's wife interrupted. "No, no, get the brown one."

"Here's your chicken," said the farmer.

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My favorite word today is monia. N., takes strong medicine. Def.: It starts out pneu but it gets old.

California Now and Then, or Then and Now

Janie sent this along to Feelgood Haines:

Way back in 1850, California became a state. It had no electricity. It had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets.

Pretty much like it is now, except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

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Do these glasses make my nose look fat?

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Good ol' Peskie told me this:

A woman is walking down the street and she sees an Indian wearing a necklace made of alligator teeth.

She says, "That's nice. I imagine those mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"No," he says. "Anyone can open an oyster."

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Here's a great line from my pal Ivy:

"Normally I ride the bus to work. Mostly because I tend to nap on the way downtown, whether DART drives or I do."

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My favorite word today is ummm. Adj., what is it? Def.: To pretend interest in some object brought over by a 3-year-old.

Who Has More Fun Than Beetles?

While I was gallivanting about the country I was not idle. As usual, I was on the lookout for dung beetle stories and, as usual, I was rewarded: "SCIENTISTS STUDY DUNG BEETLE POPULATIONS" The main conclusion: "The dung beetle food situation stinks." Ho ho har de har har.

"Food for dung beetles in the Elephant Park of Southern Mozambique lacks diversity," the study says. I don't get this. Shit is shit Dung is dung, isn't it? They need it chocolate covered? With raisins? (Hee. I said raisins. Hoss 1.)

Later on, this is explained: "Some (beetles) prefer dry over wet dung, different fiber content, or different sizes of droppings." (No word on chocolate.) So when a dry dung beetle can only get wet dung, scientists would say this is "too bad."

This needs to be corrected, for these scientists tell us that "transporting dung down into the soil does all sorts of good things." Don't that just button up the petunias?

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The maharajah of an Indian state ordered that no wild animals were to be killed under any circumstances. Pretty soon there were so many Bengal Tigers roaming around killing humans that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. It is the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

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My favorite word today is alphabet.* N., wait for it. Def.: The main gorilla gets odds of 6 to 5.

(*O.K., Bonnie; did you get this one?)

I've Been Everywhere, Man

So I am playing with myself in the Dallas Airport and up walks this vision of loveliness name of Karla, and she gives me a hug. Karla has a wonderful b**g (go read it) with which she never has any trouble because her husband is a computer whiz. After one thing and another (husband will NEVER know this part), Karla hands me a gift: A Spam snow machine! Hah! You don't have one, and I do. Hoss 1, You 0. (Karla also has a beautiful physique, but her husband will never hear it from me.)

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There is Texarkana, TX, and Texarkana, AR, and here I am (with assorted minions) standing in both. The children are Lucas and Carli, belonging to Tisha and Walt Sharp. Tisha also is beautiful, you see. I attract beautiful people because I am so pretty.

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In Michi-
gan, Vicki also gave me a gift: Her lucky mar-
ble. This mar-
ble is VERY lucky, for I have flown Portland-Las Vegas-Detroit-Atlanta-Memphis-Atlanta-Dallas-Texarkana, TX-Dallas-Denver-Portland, got wheelchairs everywhere and am home. I am SO lucky.

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Here's a story Tisha's mother-in-law, Carmen, told me:

Years ago Carmen was a member of a group that had done something (I forget what) so noteworthy it came to the attention of Governor Bill Clinton, down there in Arkansas. So a bunch of women gathered to be feted by Gov. Bill. He puts his arms around a couple of them for a photo opportunity, including Carmen -- and grabs her by the butt!

She whispers, "Bill, my child is here!" So he lets go.

In the evening, Gov. Bill is supposed to dine with these ladies. He walks into the restaurant, spies a "drop-dead gorgeous" woman, gives her a deep kiss and walks out the door with her.

"And that," Carmen says, "is how we almost met Gennifer Flowers."

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My favorite word today is Bible. N., keep one in the bathroom. Def.: The only contract that doesn't have loopholes.

Tennessee to Texarkana: Alliteration Rules

So Poopie took me to her company picnic. The rule was one free drink per person. Please note that Poopie has been there before, so we were well-supplied with cups. That is me on the left. The pretty one.

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I spent two days in Tennessee with Poopie. Part of one day we spent stuck in the mud when she was trying to show me the local river, named Forked Deer. (Poopie said "forked." Hee. Hoss 1, Poopie 0.) So we got out of the mud and went back to her house where she whipped up pork tenderloin. Did you ever go someplace and not want to go home?

Poopie (who is Janie) introduced me to her parents, Janet and Billie. He's as old as I am (75 220/365ths), and HE'S STILL WORKING. Gack.

This is me on Poopie's Pecan Lane. She collects about 100 lbs. of pecans from along the road, bakes them 8 cups at a time, then sends them all to me. (Poopie: Maybe this is wrong. Let me know.)

Then I got on the airplane and went to meet Tisha Sharp, her husband, Walt, and her kids, Lucas and Carli, in Texarkana, which is in Strange, TX. All of the Sharps are really actually sharp. The city is in conflict with itself, inasmuch as there is a Texarkana, TX, and a Texarkana, AR. All the churches are in Texas; all the liquor stores are in Arkansas. So, I got an Arkansas sweatshirt.

Tisha lets me kiss her all I want. Only I don't want much because her husband is 6'7" of kindness except unless you kiss his wife a lot. This is, then, a good place to visit when you don't have a prostate.

You can hear a lot by listening. For instance, Tish tells me that in McCurtain County, Oklahoma, a good way to kill somebody by suicide is to shoot them in the back.

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My favorite phrase today is liberty or death. N., not much to choose. Def.: An early visionary's version of "better dead than Red."

Moving Right Along

This will be hard to believe. No, wait, this will be easy to believe.

I guess the problem is that it depends upon where you live. If you are a northerner, like me, you never heard of this. If you are a southerner in Dyersburg, Tenn., like my host Janie, what could be more natural than that your brother is named "Bubba"? No shit shit, her brother is David "Bubba" Stafford. She had to think for a minute about what his first name is, because to everybody he is "Bubba."

I found this hard to believe. She thought it was as natural as sin. So it goes.

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Janie is fixing up this 85-year-old ranch house where she lives. The dining room is done, and it is spectacular. The living room awaits; it is not yet spectacular. But she is determined. All she needs now is to give up petting her dogs (Faith and Butter Bean -- pictured, smiling (!), at left) and three cats (whose names escape me) to get enough time. (Umm...good luck, Janie....)

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Did you know that here, in the South, there is such a thing as NASCAR? The Memphis newspaper refuses to give it more than a page and a half of play -- each day.

Here are the NASCAR rules: If there is a fight in the pits, that gives you a two-week suspension. If there is a fight on the raceway, that gives you a one-week suspension. Why the difference?

The fans can see the fight on the raceway.

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My favorite word today is nexus. N., oh, I get it. The guy in the next chair over from both us.

You'll Never Know Just How Much....

I am flying so much, I get a little nervous about some of the shenanigans going on in the air. For instance, here's a picture I took as we were going in for a landing in Detroit. I don't know what happened. Maybe the other guy blinked.

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So, this man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on vacation to Israel. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.

The funeral director says, "We can ship the body home for $5,000, or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for just $150. What would you like to do?"

The man thinks, and finally says, "Let's ship her home."

The funeral director protests. "Why would you want to do that, when you can have her buried here for only $150?"

"Well, see," the man says, "you had a guy who got buried here, and then rose from the dead after three days. I just can't take that chance."

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My favorite word today is sincerity. Adj., an attribute. Def.: What to try when all else fails.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch

Whilst in Vegas, my pal Vicki took this picture of buddies from far places. Seated are Tom, left, of Born Fool (Kentucky), and Ol' Hoss (Oregon). From left, standing, are Paul, his babe Mandy of Word Whiz (Connecticut), Kira of WhizWyrd and her fiance, Alex the good ol' Frenchman (South Carolina). All of these (plus Vicki - Michigan) were the Good People in Las Vegas. Everybody else was, as scientists would say, No Good.

So, what you missed was "O", the Cirque de Soleil. I have never seen anything like it, nor have you. Except now I've seen it, and you haven't: Hoss 1, You 0. Here's just one scene:

There is a large pool of water, maybe 60x100 feet. This water can be replaced, from underneath, by a solid floor, or just segments of a floor. At the end we see this fellow playing piano, with a dame reclining thereon. As the show ends, the man is playing the piano as it sinks into the water -- and he keeps playing even while completely immersed. MAGIC!! So now I have seen it, and you haven't: Hoss 2, You 0.

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Here's a conversation between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 747 (with call sign of Speed 206), as provided by my buddy Debi:

Speed 206: "Frankfurt, clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speed 206, taxi to Alpha Gate One-Seven."

Speed 206 taxis onto the main taxiway, then comes to a stop.

Ground: "Speed 206, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed 206: "Stand by, Ground, I am looking up our gate location right now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speed 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speed 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944. But I didn't land."

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My favorite word today is leavened. N., no salt, please. Def.: In my church, what must be un.

A Friend in Need Is Befriended

Last night I broke down and wept. Because of my lung disease I am inordinately short of breath, and can barely get around. Almost everything has to be done for me. So I cried and told Vicki, with whom I am staying in Michigan, that I shouldn't have come.

She said, "Don't feel that way. You can stay here forever."

I sincerely hope you have a friend like that.

Making People Famous

I don't know if it's fair dinkum to pat the hand that feeds you, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's the first of the month -- time for my Perfect Post to be awarded to Lucinda of Suburban Turmoil. Lucinda is one of the sponsors of the Perfect Post, and she is perfection indeed in this post where baby outwits the parents.

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Many, many years ago an aquaintance of mine started on the road toward being famous. His name was Bud Clark, a Northwest Portland tavern owner and liberal activist.

One fine day a friend of his went with him to downtown Portland where they made this picture -- "Expose Yourself to Art." The rest is history. Bud later went on to be mayor of Portland.

He once made a foray into Salem, where he presented me with a signed copy of this outstanding print. I have moved four times since then, and it is lost to history. Scientists say this "too bad."

The whole story behind this print, which is known throughout the country, can be found at Errol Graphics.

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Rudyard Kipling once wrote a story about war in India, which he entitled "Gunga Din." Not too many people have read the sequel about his sister, "Gunga Ho."

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My favorite phrase today is no, not really. N., I can't be that good. Def.: A remark reserved for use by someone who has been flattered beyond civility.